Day 26: Hangry!

Pain Level: 1 - Had some ache in my left jaw joint again tonight. Can't seem to open as well today.

Swelling: I can still see some shadow in my cheekbones.

Other weirdness: My left of my chin and lower lip is still numb. :( I'm also getting fainting spells a lot more often nowadays. :/

Mood: Was Hangry, but a little more over it now.

I think today's the first day I've experienced "hanger" (pronounced "h-anger") which is basically anger that comes as a result of hunger. 

Every Tuesday is our official family dinner day at home. It's a little like Thanksgiving, or reunion dinner, except that it happens every week. And tonight was family dinner night. On the table was beef, fish, asparagus wrapped in bacon, sprouts, achar, fresh little apricots and grapes..and all sorts of other stuff. The food looked so good, the smell of bacon and delicious greens was in the air (I LOVE and CANNOT RESIST vegetables) and I could imagine exactly how each tasted, and yet I found myself sitting at the other end of the table with my little syringe and a bowl of mushed up winter melon soup. It was highly depressing...and that's when it came - HAnger. 

I think it was probably the first time I've ever experienced it, but I was completely taken off guard by it. I suddenly felt like I didn't want to eat my soup, I didn't like the colour of my bowl, I was completely unreasonable and all I wanted to do was to stuff something nice and cheesy and crunchy in my mouth (for example, a delicious Cheetos puff)...but I couldn't. I was throwing a hangry tantrum inside, and it caught me by surprise.

ANTM All-Stars with hotdogs!
Loved this shoot.

I eventually did eat my soup though - 2 bowls even. And finished with some fresh blended peaches. I just decided to be a good girl and sent myself to brush my teeth and did some strength training and it calmed me down a little. But honestly, I can't wait to eat properly again in a couple of months. 

I did have some something positive come out from my hangry episode though - cooking inspiration. I think it was somewhere in between my syringes of winter melon soup that I started thinking about what other food possibilities there were for patients on a liquid diet and I got some inspiration by the beef on the family dinner table, as well as a random Macdonald's advertisement of the great banana pies they have now in Singapore. So, sometime in the next few days, I'm going to try to make a beef congee, and I'm going to make some grilled bananas with honey and cinnamon (they should be easily mashed up to fit into the syringe). I think at the end of these few months, I might just have a nice little compilation of syringe-friendly recipes for jaw surgery patients...and perhaps they'll have a better time than picky-eater-me. Seriously, the recipes out there for jaw surgery patients are pathetic. Enough with soups and smoothies and blended gross things!

On other random (and possibly TMI notes), my bowels seem to be working again. I honestly don't know what triggered them, but I found myself spending a little more time in the toilet this morning, and was surprised that I actually had much in me to get rid off (considering my very poor appetite for the past few weeks).  I eventually figured that I may have been storing food in my intestines over the past few weeks... and it's finally out. It's weird and wonderful in a strictly biological way. It's got to be a good sign.

Also, I eventually didn't go back to office today because I was having quite a few fainting spells (where you kinda get dizzy and you think you might black-out, but don't). I hope they go away tomorrow!

Okay, I'm off to sleep. I really do need to sleep a little more.

Food Report

Breakfast

• 1/2 cup of mushed cereal in almond milk (this was so gross, and I wasted most of the cereal which just couldn't dissolve)
• 1/2 cup of black sesame paste
• 1 CalcD tablet

Lunch

• 1 cup of Redoxon (Somehow just couldn't get myself to eat. :/)

Dinner

• 2 bowls winter melon soup
• 1/2 cup fresh blended peach juice
• 1 CalcD tablet

High point of the day
Watching a little more modeling stuff. Preparing myself to get back to work tomorrow.
Low point of the day
Not really a "low point", but I was (am) concerned about my fainting spells.

Day 15: Work and other things that are working now.

Pain Level: 0 - No pain, just this weird tingly sensation on the left of my chin. It's a little annoying, but I hope it means feeling is coming back soon. 

Swelling: I think my chin looks a little more defined. Just so slightly.  Neck still gross though.

Other weirdness: I'm starting to think my lips don't match up very well. I tried to smile today and it looked really lopsided... maybe it's cause not all the muscles are ready to move yet.

Mood: Exhausted from the day. Concerned about my stagnated weight and the possibility that something went wrong with my surgery just that no one is telling me.

Today was a busy day.

I woke up to handing work emails at home, had my PA brief me about some stuff on the way to a work location, went to another meeting, came home to my sales staff briefing me some handover docs at home, then I finally received a friend at 2030 till 2330. (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be running around with my fractured jaws. :/)

Dinner was 2330 and I totally missed lunch. Yay, Day 15.

Dad to Me: "Want some?" *snigger*
My dad thinks he's so funny.
=_=

On better notes, I finally had my taste of Banana Nutella Chocolate Smoothie! (Made with Chocolate Ensure...I'm such a good girl right?) It tasted so good, I thought it was bad for me and my throat. Interestingly, I only could manage about 80-100mls of it before my stomach started saying "Okay, full now. Enough, stop". So I did, and I put the rest of it in the fridge. The health-junkie in me could not believe I only ate some chocolate and bananas for breakfast, so I attempted to eat a bowl of soy bean curd, but could only manage about a third of it.

One thing I realized from this process has been that I'm a lot more aware of how full my stomach is, and when to say stop. I remember in the past week, there were times when I was offered "food" (in inverted commas because they were some liquid version of something) and I was able to just say "tomorrow", because I'd had enough for the day. In the past, if it were something really delicious, I might have just made some space. But I guess that's changed now.

I did step on the scale today though and I think my body has also decided to stop losing weight after 7kilos (15 pounds) because it seems like my weight has stagnated. NooooOOoooo I put on 13 kilos (almost 29 pounds) for this silly surgery! (Yes, I kinda overdid it. #^_^#) Even when I asked Surgeonman the other day about my swollen underside of my chin whether it'd be permanent, he literally said "don't put on anymore weight". :( With my sharper chin in the past, I looked completely alright even when I was 7 kilos heavier! :(( Sigh, work with me, body! We have 7 kilos more to go!

Warning: Information below may be classified as "TMI", but worth mentioning from a scientific/biological standpoint.

On happier notes, my time of the month came today! I was so worried about it because of my lack of nutrition, but I suppose I've been doing much better the past few days that my body had enough to work with. :)) I've missed cycles before when I was under too much stress, when I'm normally really regular, so it was a big indicator that my body is doing alright.

Also, I could do a fair number 2 today! :D Maybe it was all the spinach yesterday! :D I love vegetables! :))) After two weeks! It was an achievement! It's like my body is slowly getting back to normality.

Nothing much else to report than that today....

Oh! I did have another bout of "I'm 80% sure that something screwed up at my surgery", because I tried smiling today. Pre-surgery I remember Surgeonman and Consultman saying that when I smile, I should be able to see 1-2mm of my gum above my teeth, but even with the widest smile I can make now, my lips still cover half my upper teeth. :( It's weird. I also started feeling like my head was not proportionate to my body anymore (I had a 3-6mm upper jaw impaction)... and it was a terrible feeling. But I'm going to choose to not freak out and just assume that it's cause not everything is healed up yet.

I really hate it when these thoughts come because one can only freak out, and just... that's about all you can do. And even if something really went wrong - that my measurements by Mucky were trusted and were all actually all wrong - you can't turn back the clock and change things. I can't go back and demand they do it again. I can't tell Surgeonman, "NO! This is going to affect me for the rest of MY life. It's MY face that is going to be hurt whether she is serious about her job or not. Do it again, please." I just have to live with it. It's pretty scary. :(

But I'm not going to allow myself to entertain these thoughts. I'm just going to focus on getting well, and healing up, and getting strong again. That's the only productive, constructive thing I can do now.

Food Report

Breakfast
80-100mls of Banana Nutella Smoothie
1/3 bowl of soy bean curd with almond milk

Lunch - Missed, because of work :(

Dinner
20mls of spinach soup (it was too salty tonight. I just couldn't drink it. :()
One bowl of soy bean curd with almond milk

High point of the day
Work stuff, and meeting with my PA.

Low point of the day
Stupid thoughts again. :(

20th June 2014

That's my new surgery date. I gotta get back to my insurance agent about it and get it processed all over again. Now that this surgery has been postponed twice over, I'm quite cautious about getting word out about it now.

I guess I'll tell people when it's actually over.

On other notes, I've decided that I've taken this put-on-weight-for-the-surgery thing a little too far and I'm really uncomfortable now with all this weight. This coming week, I'm going to start Pilates/Yoga classes and get back in shape. I think it's more important for me to be fit and healthy for the surgery, than to have enough fats to sustain me after.

20th June. Come quickly!

quick update

Each challenge has brought with it change.
Going through a season of constant changes...
This time, it was my hair colour.

I haven't written for a long time... for so many reasons. In short, the main reason has been that life has been tumultuous due to some legal issues my factory's landlady has gotten into with the superior landlord. It's too complicated a case to explain...except that I've had to deal with a tornado of challenges...all sorts of threats, aggressive construction guys, police, lies, and all that jazz. It hasn't been fun (no, not at all), but I've done everything I could to be brave to stand up to such aggressive behaviour. It has taken a lot out of me emotionally and mentally, but has also probably built a small courage and wisdom in me... but honestly, if I had a daughter I would never want her to go through all that drama. It's really too much for a single girl to bear. At one point, it got so much for me that I decided that I needed to do something drastic to myself to arm myself with some courage... so I went and dyed some of my hair purple and red. Pretty lame huh? But it did help a little.

I saw Surgeonman earlier this week about the surgery reschedule, and I'll be seeing Orthoman in a couple of hours as I once again prep to reschedule the jaw surgery. Orthoman just needs to tell me everything is still in good order and nothing has messed up (after all, it's now been 3 months since I was supposed to have my surgery). I really hope the surgery happens this time...and that nothing screws it up - no problems with the anesthetist, no blood problems, no insurance issues...PLEASE - I've been waiting so long. Interestingly, in the in-between of the reschedule, I've had days where my jaw has started acting funny too... perhaps it has been due to the peaked levels of stress in my life. I've somehow had days where I've had a tightness in my jaw...almost like an ache...which I hope will be gone forever once my jaw is set aright. Not to mention how much I hate carrying around all this weight that I purposefully put on for the surgery! It's honestly disgusting, and I can't fit into any of my jeans anymore! :(((

I've decided that once the surgery is over, I'm going to get rid of all this stupid weight, take up my pilates/yoga classes, as well as the modeling classes I've been loooong overdue to attend, get back on my German classes again...and just start to try living life happy again. It's been almost two years I've been carrying around a heavy burden of a broken heart and emotional reclusiveness. Life wasn't meant to be lived like this. I really can't wait for all this to be over.

latest profile shots and another week closer...

The teeth as of today. (Yes, I still get stuff stuck in them)
And yes, as you can see, I have put on so much weight,
that my collarbones are almost inexistent! :((

It's Saturday again! And we're another week closer to the surgery! 0_0

Here are my current profile shots - that I think haven't changed for a while now since my braces are all set in place now.

Right Profile.
Flat cheeks. Yes, I automatically force my lips close.

Left Profile.
Flat cheeks. Same auto-close...I wonder if we (under-biters)
automatically learn to close our lips for fear of bugs getting in. XD

Straight on Still forcing close... at least it doesn't look too bad.
Please excuse the parched lips...all I have had today has been coffee and some bread. :D

Lippy Shot
Here's what I really look like when I'm spacing out and not thinking about closing my lips.
Yes, I've always been more of a mouth-breather. #^_^#

Right - 45 degrees.
Today, I understand why Orthoman and Surgeonman needed 45 degree shots.
My underbite is so obvious at this angle!
Note to self: AVOID 45 DEGREE PICTURES LIKE THE PLAGUE! 

Left - 45 degrees.
See?! :((

And here is where the real problem shows -
My slanted, tilted, underbite jaw.
It's okay jaw and little teeth, we'll be all better in a month. <3

Today's, the day I shall actually show the gory details of the surgery to prep my family. Yes, I'm prolly going to show some of the photos from fellow jaw-surgery buddies (see: survivors.) that have gone ahead of me. (Thank you! :D) I'm not sure what their reactions are going to be, but I'm expecting that I will have a lot of questions to answer - as I also had to do with some of my close friends over dinner last night. But given with what they know so far, I think they should be taking the news alright...maybe except the mother - my mum's not too good with caring for people I think, so she's been asking me to consider extending my stay in the hospital for four nights instead of two. =_= (Yay,  for independent self-sufficient (EXPENSIVE) living. X_X)

There is so much to do in so little time! I think I'm going to spend at least an hour or two this weekend thinking about all the things I want to do whilst I'm stuck at home recovering post-surgery (so far, it looks like a TON of movies, dramas, books, and...organizing paperwork or something. :)).

Being under doctor's orders to put on weight. :D

I love this please-eat-more-and-put-on-weight season!
And under doctor's orders too! :D

I can't believe the amount of rubbishy foods I have been eating! It's so sinful! But absolutely rebelliously glorious how there are no more rules to what I will and will not allow myself to eat. This is probably one of the perks of going for the surgery!

Then again, I stepped on a scale yesterday and I've put on 6 kilos! AND I could barely fit into my jeans this morning. Boo... 

Okay, I think that's enough weight for now. Sorry doctors, I can't put on anymore! STAWP!

*dreams of glorious junk food*