the deviation

I meant to write this earlier in March... but only got so far as the title (according to the date-stamp on this draft).

As I re-read my posts, I saw the deviation.

I used to live a life to inspire others. "Aspire to Inspire" was my mantra - and everything I did revolved around it. The choices I made, the activities I got involved in, the friends I chose, and the things I wrote... everything in me wanted to simply make a positive difference to the world in some small way. Even if it were some silly thoughts I randomly scribbled down and publicly posted somewhere, if I could make a little light in a stranger's life, even if I never knew about the tiny difference I made, that was good enough for me.

And yet, look at the deviation.

And with the deviation came the snowballs effects - physical, emotional, mental, social - so many things have changed since. I've put on so much weight, I'd started battling a lingering darkness, friends have come and gone, and some  -  the kind long-suffering ones - have kindly stayed. I've done my best to be a better human in this phase towards the ones I love and care about, and yet I am also aware how limited that capacity has become amidst the drain of life's circumstances. 

I've heard about the theory of how women enter this "masculine energy" because they were in circumstances that they felt they had to be this courageous protector and warrior of sorts - simply to stay alive. Perhaps that's what happened to me.

But I don't want to be this person anymore - it's tiring.

I don't want to be called "brave", or "strong" or even "inspirational", anymore.

I miss my simpler life of enjoying sundresses, and walks, and markets, and other girly things I took joy in.

As much I feel like I'm a late bloomer in a lot of phases of life - in that of relationships, and love, and learning to interact with humans in general - yet, at the same time, I feel like I've jumped a few years with the zone I'm in now. I feel like I've entered a season where I just want to have a simple peaceful life. I do not need any titles, or awards, or accolades, or praises. I just want a small space in the world where I can just be peaceful.

And when I go, I only want to be known as "kind". And, if I may be so honoured, perhaps also be remembered as "loving".

They needn't know my name. 
They need not know where I come from.
They need not even know that I made a tiny difference to them feeling like a significant being in this world.

This is how I will live out the rest of my life - to simply choose to show a little kindness, and hints of love - to humans, and animals, and to plants, alike.
And maybe that's how I will return back to aspiring to inspire...
Except, perhaps now as an unimportant stranger.

The capacity to care

I have no more capacity to care.
Be clear, that this is different from the capacity to love.
Perhaps one is a subset of another, but for today, to protect the goodness I still hope I have, they are disparate.

I have no more capacity for passive aggressive behaviours.
I already have my own demons to fight, on somedays it takes all of me to stay alive. I'd much rather not deal with yours as well.

I have no capacity for your wounds, including the new ones you make.
I already have my own, and I am doing everything I can to not think about them.

I have no capacity for your brattish inclinations.
I already have people in my life that I love that I expend my limited energies to care for.

I have no capacity for your illogical unwise decisions.
"I told you so" no longer works, because I've already given up on cautioning you.

I guess I'm writing today because I'm concerned that my capacities are depleting...
Like a tired nurse in a war-zone with depleting supplies... sooner or later you will have to harden your heart to those you used to help, and embrace the darkness that accepts mortality wholeheartedly.

What is this darkness that lingers so long?
Has it enjoyed my company so much that it has set up camp for the long run?
Or perhaps it is on a mission - determined to douse my protected flame of idealistic kindness.

And yet I choose to struggle against it.
For darkness is insignificant in this world that is already clouded over.

What is it to be a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and yet find oneself the exhausted lost wanderer; pillaged by the journey thus far?

Focus:

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Where is the love?

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible options...as you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.
https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFs

Attempts at piecing things together.

Ive just gotten back from three weeks away in Japan on business. It was supposed to be a work and holiday thing, but I suppose I'm not very good at mixing the two.

Having been struggling with the business, and my health, we thought it was good time to get out and do something to change the business model. To hopefully open new roads and change the winds a little.

We pretty much travelled through almost half of Japan - starting with Tokyo and ending down south in Kagoshima. The scenery changed so much from the towering heights of skyscrapers and bright lights of Tokyo to the farms of Kagoshima... we saw a lot. And ate a lot. :)

But in my mind, I missed England a lot. It's weird. I don't know why I feel like I have this affinity with London. I just love so much about it. The accent, the chivalry, the fruits, the food, the culture... perhaps I just have not seen the worser parts of it. Perhaps I should ask my friends in England what they dislike most about their culture and maybe I'd have a more temperate disposition toward it.

Has anyone ever wondered about the person you are?
I ask myself a lot of questions about that...and somehow I feel like I don't really know myself. Is it weird to think that I need to discover myself backward in order to move forward?

It's a little noisy in my mind now. I should try to piece things together before I write again.

WTA Finals and thoughts

Today was the first time that I have attended a professional tennis match live. I was technically there on business, but there were many thoughts I had. The game reminded me of the fencing matches I saw at the Southeast Asian Games in Singapore - the same ones I sat in feeling lost and confused about life a year or two ago. I remember sitting in the benches and texting my fencing Coach about what I should do about life...  I'll have to go back to that chat and do a little reading.

Many thoughts tonight.

Letting go of paper memories and dreams

This minimalism project has become so much of a heart issue...and so much earlier than I thought it would.

I spent this past week on books and papers.

It was a grueling task trying to get through all the memories and plans that I had stashed away over these years. After many days of going through hundreds of papers documenting many seasons of my life... decluttering meant that I had to choose what to keep and what to throw away - to decide which parts of my dreams I was willing to give up, and which I still wanted to keep.

I eventually gave up on a half-done psychology paper that I wrote and meant to finish for publishing with a professor in the States...but it has been put away so long, it was just time to let go. I also decided to give away all my textbooks for my Early Childhood course, most of the business notes from university days, and a large file documenting the set up of a club some 10 years ago which has grown into something beyond what I expected.

I suppose, if anything, this process has reinforced the notion that I need to now focus more on the present, and what I want to keep for the future. And to do that, I need to let go of the past.

Easier said than done though.

To be honest, I don't think I'm quite done yet - because I still held on to many "un-finished business". From my project for rural entrepreneurship for India, to a couple of old marketable ideas, to my family tree project, to the most random of books in fashion and embroidery... there still is a whole list of "interests" and "projects" that I chose to keep around. I guess it wasn't so easy to let things go as easily and thoroughly as I really should (as according to the "rules" of Marie Kondo).

It's already the start of the new week now and I'm hoping this process has brought some lasting peace and focus that I so need.

Happy in the moment.

I've been up since 4am, but considering that I must have slept at about midnight, I'm pretty happy that I was able to wake up so early. I pretty much prayed that God would wake me up so that I could get to my bakery today, but I surprised myself by choosing not to go. I chose instead to stay in bed, did some quiet time, listened to some minimalism videos and asked myself what I wanted to do with my life.

I stayed there for a good hour and a half or so. I eventually got up, showered and now am sitting down with a nice cup of tea and simply enjoying my little space in life now as the smells of the cool early morning rain wafts through the house.

For the past few weeks I've been working on my minimalism project. I kinda mashed a couple of minimalism and decluttering concepts together - mainly that of the 4-box method, the Konmari method, as well as the minimalism challenge of trying to get down to (hopefully) 300 things. But I've targeted first the goals of establishing exactly how many things I have and getting it down to 700 first. I'm still a little nervous about the higher 700-item target - considering that I already have slightly over a hundred items of clothing (not including all my accessories and shoes!).

I've started on clearing out my administrative life about a week back and it has been going great so far. I've finally sorted out most of my most important files of finances and insurance that were bothering me and I just have that of clearing through my personal portfolio and some other random papers I've kept since my university days. I need to go through books as well. I'll prolly get that done by the end of this week.

Interestingly, what this journey has done so far has been more uncomfortable than not. I've been challenged to look at areas of myself that I've disliked - including some kind of irrational fear of finishing or completing things... which perhaps is linked to other irrational fears I have... but that's something I think I'll have to dig deeper and figure out over time. It's a little complicated because I will think of weird things like how "complete" is "complete"? Which, perhaps sounds randomly philosophical, but it makes a little more sense when I talk about my embroidery project...or any art form. What's to say that a work is really "complete"? Only the artist knows, right? But how about the perfectionist artist? It's probably rare for them to ever say that any of their pieces are "completed".

This is a lesson about "letting go" isn't it? :)

Okay, enough thoughts for the morning. :) I shall enjoy another half an hour of it simply sitting with some of my other files and planning what tonight's organization project is going to be.

This year's motto: Simplify to Clarify.

It's good to say that I'm happy right now, even if just for this simple, quiet, moment.

To live for myself

It's almost 3 in the morning and let's just say I've come here to once again commit to a reboot.

I've decided that I'm just going to focus on my life and my stuff now. I'm not going to think about everyone else's life, issues, problems, hopes, dreams, and clutter. I'm just going to focus on mine and getting mine in order.

I've restarted my de-cluttering/minimalism project. Except that this time I'm actually going to take stock of everything I own and hopefully get down to a manageable number (whilst I try to tune out all the other rubbish that exists around me).

I have to own my own life, health, relationships and my own success.
I am choosing to run my life the way I feel it should be run - a fulfilling 5-day workweek, a clean and simple room and office, a sustainable and growing financial state, time for family friends and personal hobbies, and a healthy mind and spiritual walk with the Lord. THAT is how my life is going to be run.

I keep getting asked this question about "What is your passion?" "What would you stay up all night doing?" and taking an honest look inside... these are my weird and wonderful answers (because this is who I am).

Ariela would stay up all night
1. Organizing and Cleaning (which I LOVE)
2. Doing up a jigsaw puzzle (solving something?)
3. Playing some game
4. Blogging/Writing (as I'm evidently doing now)
5. Maybe doing some cool craft activity like embroidery or cross stich or knitting... if I had some sort of project.
6. Maybe cleaning out some data (which is much like #1)
7. Reading/researching/writing about something that really interests me.

I also have stayed up all night trying to get through some Korean drama series or movie marathon, but I doubt that's going to be revenue generating in any way.

So here we go.

I am writing this because I'm going to use myself as a social experiment subject about whether de-cluttering will really help improve one's mental, physical, emotional, and financial health. I'm going to take stock of all I own and throw out everything that is not me, or that I do not love (including relationships/friendships). And everything I'm going to focus on for the next few months would be whether I am truly interested in it and whether it brings me joy. If it doesn't, I will drop it (unless it's some sort of responsibility, of course).

But other than that, I'm just going to not give two wits about any one else's opinion on how I should run my life anymore.
I believe that I've been a good girl most of my life (that I don't intend to change), and I've got some pretty solid values I will not waver from... the only difference is that I'm now deciding that I'm not going to run my life the way everyone else would like me to.

I need to respect myself as a human. I'm not a puppet. I'm not someone else's dream/hope box. I am not someone else's crutch. I am not someone else's servant/secretary.

I am a unique individual, made with unique gifts and talents. I am a unique human blessed with dreams and hopes of my own.

I am taking back control of my life.
No other human should be given those reins.
Only God owns me and if He changes tack, I'll go with it.
Beyond that, I simply can't live someone else's expectations or try to help someone else to "straighten out their lives" for them anymore. There are too many people whom I've been trying to make happy... and it feels like I've been living life for so many people, but not really for myself.

Let me take care of mine now... and if God calls me to help you with yours, trust me that I'll come running. But for now, I need to love myself more.

First step, back to decluttering and minimizing my life to the basics of what I really love.

a little fear

Is it possible that one of the basic human fears is that of being left behind?

There's just something about the need of feeling relevant. Of feeling like you're somewhat ahead of the curve, or at least on par with the rest of the world.

Today I wonder if I've been left behind.

Perhaps it's because I've somehow reached a stage of physical maturity where people now quite often ask me if I'm so-and-so's wife, or whether I'm married. It's become so recurrent nowadays that it's somehow something that I actually have to consider how to respond to... or at least I've been somewhat tempted that I should have some sort of plethora of creative responses beyond my normal embarrassed "no"-and-blush routine.

It's weird - this stage of life.

I wonder if this is in any way normal.

I should really invest my time thinking about more useful things.

from a place of mistrust

Today I'm writing from a place of mistrust. It's as if a glass of hot water has been poured over a flame that I expected to set off fireworks. Or rather that I found the flame more harmful than helpful as I had hoped and expected it to be. I thought it was a blessing - a light to guide the way - and yet, I've been getting burned.

I've come to a crossroads where I realize that a lot of life is a game of cards... and that trust is underrated - with all certainty.

I suppose I have learned a few things - though I wish it weren't this costly a lesson:
1. Never fully trust a sweet talker.
2. Always look for actions.
3. Be ready with a contingency plan - always.
4. Trust your gut and the wisdom of many. Listen to it. Trust those thoughts - more than the excuses.

I feel like part of me is changing... like the idealistic me is becoming more aware of how not-idealistic the world actually is.

God, what are Your thoughts?
 Please make things clear.

On love and singlehood

It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm blogging in Singapore Changi airport whilst waiting for a staff to arrive.

It was a pretty interesting past weekend... What with me taking on a challenge of meeting someone random from an online dating site, and having a real-life brush with being hit on by some guy in a GrabCar. This weekend I was posed with some questions that I never really had to give an answer for - at least not to non-aunties.

I was commented on and asked questions by these two men...
"I think you're very pretty, why are you still single?"
"I'm sure you have a lot of guys chasing you."
"You don't look single. Such a pretty lady cannot be single."
"Are you picky? Or just oblivious?"

And other random stuff like that.
Of course there was some creepy stuff that ensued with the GrabCar guy - including "Where do you live? Where do you work? Can you add me on Facebook?..." To which my super-introverted self pretty much freaked out to.

It's a pretty weird feeling for me, tbh.
Contrary to what these guys seem to think, I really haven't had too much experience with guys... Nor have I had the experience of being hit on so directly. I am honestly so inexperienced that the only social-defense-ammunition I had in my head was to try to answer politely and yet find a way to disengage from the conversation (which seemed a far better option to jumping out of the moving car). Perhaps it may seem weird to some (considering I'm "supposed" to be a grown woman of some sort), but it was an utterly terrifying experience to inexperienced-me.

Beyond terrifying, what the experiences did was that they created a certain disconcerted feeling within about my singleness. Disconcerted for the fact that I was caught off guard with no social rules for how to respond to such uncomfortable advances, and disconcerted for the types of questions that I was posed with and an uncertainty to why I've been apparently so "unlucky in love" when these guys apparently thought that I shouldn't be.

I ended up spending the evening talking to my sister and my father about these encounters and gleaned some insights (I believe that a 3rd party point of view can be a lot more accurate, and provide a quicker access to truth, than introspection sometimes).

This is what I gleaned from their perspectives:
- I've apparently have had guys hit on me before, but I was oblivious and/or have forgotten
- My sister thinks that the observation that I am pretty is accurate (which I actually disagree with)
- My father believes that because I treasure loyalty so much, that part of me is still sillyly thinking that I need to continue to be faithful to my ex-boyfriend (which I partially disagree with. "partially" for the fact that I don't know if it's a blindspot in me somewhere).

I've had another chef also ask me "How old are you?" "Are you married?" "Why not?"

It's weird. I've never been asked such questions at such a high frequency over such a short period of time.
Maybe I'm starting to look old... and that I need to get on with that part of life faster. Or something.

Many thoughts.

What makes me come alive?

It seems like I revisit this question very often.

As I lie in bed contemplating the "how to run a company like that" comment my father made in passing this morning (thinking that I was asleep), I think today's the day I should quit my job... Or at least that time is coming soon.

I don't think this is an emotional nor reactive decision. Yes, even though it was pretty hurtful to hear after I've been sick so often but still working, but last night's insomnia coupled with the running nose, fever, and headache kept me in bed. There was no mercy. But I guess that's normal with my father unless you're diagnosed with some terminal illness or something.

As I look back, I cannot help but realize how sad I have been. I've been struggling with depression and lack of sleep for the longest time. I've barely been able to cope with the stress. My health has been bad, my hair has been falling out, my mind has been really weighted. I've also constantly been running away from things.

I suppose this is the failings of an idealist... Not really knowing where you're going. The is a saying that goes "don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

But what makes me come alive?

There are these endless questions about finding one's life purpose. For example, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Or "what would you do if money were not an issue?"

And today, as I lay sick on my bed (not "on my sickbed" which sounds mildly morbid), I'm pondering these questions. 

What would I do?

Would I stay in Singapore? Maybe.

Would I travel. Most definitely.

Would I go back to school? Maybe.

Would I want to write research papers? Umm... Maybe. Though I'm really half and half.

Okay, I need to take another tack.

What in the world makes me come alive??

Animals. Most definitely. But for a career... I'm not so sure anymore.

Fashion. Maybe, but I think the superficiality of some facets of the scene might kill me.

Performing arts? I did love drama at once, but it has been a long time since I did any acting. Also, I'm really out of shape.

What makes me come alive????

This is hard!

Okay, what would I do if money were not an issue? Although this is a totally frivolous and seemingly irresponsible question (and perhaps impractical to the point of imaginative scales), I suppose it demands its merits. What would I do? What would I do if I I had a ton of money....

I would settle all my dad's future medical bills for one.

I'd make sure all my family members were properly covered by insurance and were all well trained financially.

I'd hire a HR consultant to come in and restructure my entire company, as well as call in branding consultants to rebrand all three of our brands and develop two others I've been toying with.

I'd put aside money to buy our own factory to be tip top and equip all my department heads with a nice fat budget they can work with.

I'd buy a new house for my family.

I'd get my own place.

Then I'd go backpacking.

I'd get a good pair of walking shoes and I'd take a train from Singapore into Malaysia. I'll travel all the way up to Russia and stay there for a while. I'd explore the city, then head into Germany and travel and stay there for a while. After Germany, maybe I'd head to Paris, Madrid, then up to London, Scotland and Ireland. I'd definitely want to complete my crazy Southern Ridges walk. 

Then over to Iceland just to see the Northern lights, over to Canada, down to Seattle, Cali, then across to Chicago. I'd prolly get a small place in Chicago, that'd be nice. I liked that city... Or at least parts of it. There were parts that were scary too. We'll avoid those parts.

Then I'd prolly head down to Brazil, meet some friends there, work in a cafe there for a while, and cook lots of delicious foods, then head backward across to New Zealand, stay and travel Australia for a while... Then, depending whether I preferred Australia or NZ, would get a nice little place there. Perhaps a farm or an orchard, or both. 

And perhaps if I find love any step of the journey, I'd screw all travel plans and settle down and enjoy the joy of "mundane" day-to-day life. Ah, the good ole thoughts of 30 (plus minus)-year olds

Yes, I'd travel. After all, money is not supposed to be a concern right? The question is, "to what end or for what reason would I be traveling for?" Surely not for some frivolous reason like "experience"?

And that would also unfortunately be just a spending spree. Not to mention that I'd actually want to include the Maldives, Madagascar and Sri Lanka on that list... And a spending spree just wouldn't be practical. 

What would I love doing for work?

According to some paper I read on my MBTI profile, these are the "career suggestions":

1. Writers

2. Counselors / Social Workers

3. Teachers / Professors

4. Psychologists

5. Psychiatrists

6. Musicians

7. Clergy / Religious Workers 

Hmm. Now I already know I can scrap the ideas of 2,4&5 because I really don't think I can deal with the crazies of humans. I've been warned by my psychology professor not to consider it as I apparently "take things too hard". And I've also found humans to be extremely complicated and stressful to deal with. 6 is out because instruments have never really been my thing... Other than playing the Jazz set when I was younger, but that was about it. And 7, I've tried and apparently I'm not specifically called to that... So that leaves us with writing and teaching.

Sigh. I think maybe I just need a sabbatical from work or something. Perhaps for a year or so and just figure out what I'm made to do.

My insomantic brain dump.

It's almost two in the morning and here I am. I'm doing this mainly because I can't sleep, but also because when I googled "I can't sleep" the main results showed that if one can't fall asleep within 20mins, one should get up and do something instead of lying in bed and tackling an increasing level of anxiety. I was there for a freaking 2 and a half hours! 

I should have googled earlier.

Writing is also probably a wiser choice than sneakily watching my security cams of my office or mindlessly flipping through my constantly updating newsfeed on Facebook and catching glimpses of random news like who was the most stunning dresser at the Cannes and reminiscing the gorgeous dress Kandall Jenner wore to the Met. Then again I also learn cool things like the emergence of AquaFaba. :D

But yes, writing it is.

What a past week it had been... Tbh, it wasn't an easy week. I spent most of it wondering what in the world I was doing, and the rest of it trying to piece together everything that I believe I needed to do. Then there was Friday night. A night of me heading out with my staff which ended us up in some shots bar to which I ended up downing SEVEN shots. Now this may not seem like a big deal, until you find out that I've only ever had one shot of tequila which I sipped at during a university event. Seven was my all time record.

I guess I was pushing myself a little - wondering how far my body could go. By the fourth shot I knew my body was getting a little woozy, but I knew I could process it, so I went for three more. Truth be told, at the end of it, I was pretty sure I could have downed three more. After all, I was still walking straight and talking serious. But by something like 5 or 6am my body started to burn up with a really high fever that lasted through the night. I'm pretty sure I charred some brain cells there. I googled it in the morning and it turns out I might have had alcohol poisoning.

Alcohol and I never went well together.

Part of me wishes I did throw up everything.

And now, early Monday morning, I'm still grappling with a dumb fever which honestly feels like the flu. Not fun.

On the topic of burning braincells though, I'm starting to wonder if I had enough bouts of super high fevers that I really might have burned a load up. I've been known to forget names of people, and today, when I went out with a bunch of close friends, I really forgot one of their names. I just stood up dumbfounded because I couldn't recollect the name. :( I wonder if this is because I have a lazy brain or whether there's some sort of brain ozone hole that I've burned and it's cause some leak... But it's honestly pretty scary to think of.

And here I am, on my couch with a glass of water, blogging from my mobile. Pathetic much? Isn't the anxiety supposed to be going down, Mr Google?

I've had a lot of questions this past week about being a woman, about self worth, and about whether being a demure and resolute woman is really all the dramatic lace and royal icing it's "supposed" to be (I really couldn't use the visuals of fireworks and confetti cause that felt more frivolous, but I hope you get what I mean). 

It's a pretty long debate to begin with... In short, I have a friend who's pretty frivolous in her dealings with men and she seems to be getting all sorts of attention, whilst I'm noticing that the women who have chosen to be more demure and virtuous have seemed to be facing more issues of loneliness and basically struggling with the possibility of being what the Chinese call 剩女 (translated "leftover women", implying the state of being left on a shelf).

I had many questions in this debate in my head, including but not limited to:

1. Are such girls really so attractive to men

2. Are men really that silly to want to chase after such girls

3. Assuming that these men had a hint of their reputations, why do they still try? Are they overly optimistic that they will be the "only one" chosen?

4. What are the values of society now?

And

5. Why am I born in this era?

Amongst other random questions.

I surprisingly was bothered enough today to pose this to my parents. Don't ask me why, but I was totally emotional. I shall blame it on PMS . But yes, I did. 

I shared it with my father and he tried to talk to me some standard "dad talk" stuff like "you're very beautiful", "don't think like that",  "they are just in it for the short fling", "you wouldn't want men like that anyway"... And random stuff like that.

But the data that I see just doesn't show me the evidence that virtue is something that men care for so much anymore. In fact, I'm starting to think that most men that think that way were all from a different era and have died, and the current crop believe all women who do believe in such values have as well. 

Pity.

Because this argument becomes their excuse for misbehavior too (and perhaps of both males and females. You know, the typical playground "if XX person has done it, why can't I" argument). "Misbehavior",  of course, defined by what society deems my "prudish mind of centuries past". Am I stepping on too many toes here? Sorry. (Please stop reading if you are offended. We just think differently and that's okay. You can leave. I won't be offended.)

I'm sorry friends/sisters who have held your grace and manners well, until I solve this puzzle in my head it looks like a pretty bleak road.

And this is where we all turn to God because the road is dark and bleak. Now we know why so many women are in church. :D 

Okay, I'm kidding. I'm sure there are a few good men out there. Somewhere. Maybe distant. Hiding. 

Maybe we should put cookies on our front porches. Who can resist cookies? Right?

And if all else fails, pray.

Because "With men it is impossible, but with God all things are possible". *snigger* okay, no more biblical jokes. I'm Christian too and I honestly love God so it's not meant to be offensive. Relax. This is just my insomantic brain dump. Relax.

A weird feeling

I think I've reached a stage in my personal and professional life that I just want to walk away from everything. It feels like an utterly lonely place I've reached. I had dinner with my OM today and I shared how I've reached a point where I feel like I have to become a cold and heartless person to survive... and that scares me because it's totally not who I am naturally.

Did I overshare?

I'm tired of fighting and feeling lonely at the same time. Leadership is lonely. I'd really rather just go out and be a nameless waitress or something like that. Or some...road sweeper, or random teacher or something. I don't want anyone to know who I am, what I do, what I've done in my life... Is that weird? I just want to wake up, go to some job under some pseudo name, and just serve people one at a time.

I think I'm just generally frustrated that I feel like I'm going nowhere. And that I'm alone.
It's a weird feeling.

Working out finances for the family

It's the wee hours in the morning and I'm up as I've just concluded a 3 hour conversation with my sister about money and her concerns about how money will affect family life.

We spoke about how the parents want to buy a house, their dreams about living in a bungalow again, her feelings of having burdens, concerns about money and how it can tear a family apart... It was slightly disconcerting having that conversation.

Perhaps she's a little more pragmatic and realistic than me, but I really don't have that many concerns about money. I simply don't hold money in such high regard nor do I have that many fears over having it or not having it. Or perhaps it's the idealist in me that believes that one should just have a dream and work toward it with wisdom... And not be kept on the chains and limitations of fears of potential outcomes. Does money have that much power? Isn't it just a means, a tool, a catalyst. It's something we use - not something to fear or be controlled by.

It's not as if I've lived in a bubble and have little "practical knowledge" of "the real world" because I've lived in comfort or never felt lack... Goodness knows the fears and struggles we've had in the business. Not to mention that I have been looking at how to get loved ones out of debt. And yet, my view of money is that as long as one has 1) the smarts, resourcefulness, and creativity to think of a strategy to make money, and 2) a right attitude to be willing to work hard, surely it isn't that tough to work toward a monetary dream.

The parents want to live in a house which costs a whopping 1.2M. Our old house which I know my mother has been dreaming of returning to (which I have been secretly watching because I'd like to one day purchase it for them) was something like 10.8M.... And recently 8.6M. It sounds like a lot of money, but why a 3 hour conversation about fears and how money can be crippling? Isn't it better to just work out the numbers and think of ways to reach the goal?

Everything in me wants to buy that house back for my parents. I don't know how it's going to happen, but I will somehow make it happen. I just need the work out the numbers, pray for a strategy, and have a plan.

Let me get my house in order and it will happen. I will make it happen.

God, please give me the tenacity, creativity, intelligence, resourcefulness, and many open doors to be able to bless my parents in their golden years.... In a way that I cannot imagine how yet... But I know that with You, all things are possible.

choose to be happy

It's half past five in the morning and I'm back in my office.

I was here yesterday too for Valentine's Day - the process of shredding 10 boxes of unnecessary archived-documents was very fulfilling... just 4 more to go.

I've just noticed that Lent began on February 10th. I'm not Catholic, but thought it'd be a good exercise for me to give up something for this season. This year, I've chosen social media. No more Instagram, no more Facebook... I think I just might reclaim my life back, sleep better, and find a lot more time to do much more important and impactful things.

Choosing to be happy is not a new concept to me. The whole thing about having an internal locus of control... I know it. Just as most things in life result from the choices we make; being, or getting to a state of being happy is a choice. It just starts by saying "I want to be happy" and choosing to get there, no matter what. And it's not like I don't know how to get there - because I do. And even that's my perceived "ideal" state to be happy - it's not like I can't be happy now where I am as well.

But just for the heck of it, and for the sake of a little of a mind-dump, here are my ideals to get there:

Steps to my happy-happy state

1. Sleep by 10pm and get a solid 8 hours of sleep a night
2. Don't eat after 5pm - I sleep a lot better and feel a lot better in the morning when I do this
3. Exercise everyday for at least half an hour
4. Run at least 5 km a week (for a start)
5. Eat right - no more crappy stuff. The crappy stuff is bad for my physical health, and the guilt just gives me anxiety - which sucks.
6. Read - the Bible, and whatever heck else I've been wanting to read
7. Go to church - I've been really antisocial for a couple of years now
8. Pray. I need to accept that I really can't do everything by my own strength
9. Be disciplined with work and non-work hours
10. Make time for activities that I enjoy - language, fencing, organizing, animals, volunteering... Do I really enjoy volunteering? 
11. Konmari life and Get minimal. Throw out all the stuff that doesn't bring me joy. Get on top of life's administrative needs, finances, and the like.

That should do it.
Maybe I'll get there in 6 months, maybe a year, maybe much sooner than I think.
Whatever it is, I need to make a decision that I'm going to be happy, healthy, and successful.

I've missed 5 days, but here's to the rest of the 35 days of Lent left... and here's to deciding to get happy. I might not be able to drop everything and do it all at once, but one step forward is still progress.

fighting the storm

The Storm Within

by Micah Alex

I'm Lost within the storms
They rage within me 
I grope in the dark 
Trying to find my way out of this mess. 

I want to live like you live
Smile because you want me to
And laugh because i mean it 
Every tear takes me further down. 

I'm still not all i want to be
Still become sad for nothing
Still fear the great unknown
Worry because that's all i can do. 

Maybe this is the boat close to land
The only hope hidden by the fog
Maybe this is the way I'll learn someday
That you'll always hold me forever and ever.

A medical epiphany

So I had an epiphany this morning around 4am (I did sleep some through the night though, thank God).

And my epiphany was:

Maybe it's a thyroid problem.

As morbid or weird as it sounds, for the past couple of years, I've been wondering if I have some sort of autoimmune disease. Trust me, it's not something that a human randomly comes up with to think about - much less me because I believe I have better things to be anxious about - but doing some research on it this morning somehow started pulling things together.

I suppose this whole thing started when my skin became really dry a couple of years ago. I started to have non-fungal rashes (I went to the skin centre to get that checked once). I had bad bouts of bowel problems, sleep problems, anxiety issues, lethargy, very brittle nails, my hair is still falling, and I had some freak problems with my eyes on two separate occasions a few years ago. I went to the doctors once or twice in this period of time and both doctors guessed it might be an autoimmune problem... But I never quite got it followed up on.

Life just gets busy like that.

At one point of time, especially after my jaw surgery, I started reading up on lymphatic problems (as I was looking at how lymphatic drainage could help with the swelling) and that seemed to make sense to me. I was, however, really cautious as we live in an age where there is a lot of random unfounded self-diagnosis with the availability of sites like WebMD. So, I didn't do much about it either.

About a year ago, I bumped into an old friend of mine and somehow as we chatted in the car park she shared with me how much better she was that she found out that she had hypothyroid and she was getting it treated. As she described her symptoms, I couldn't help but constantly think "hey, that's pretty familiar". 

And this morning that meeting came back to me in my epiphany. Maybe that is why I've been feeling so lousy. 

So here I am, having dragged my aching tired body out to the clinic waiting for my turn... Which apparently looks like another 500 people in queue before me or something. I honestly don't know if hypothyroidism is what it is, but part of me will be thankful either way.

I suppose it's a good thing that I have some time out for myself. I brought a book too.

Okay life, what do you have for me today?

7am wandering wonderings

So I've made it to 7am without a wink of sleep... I'm now convinced it's jet lag.

I've put some leftover Vietnamese summer rolls from the refrigerator into the toaster oven and covered them with a slice of cheese... some sort of a treat to celebrate the new week I suppose. So whilst they're baking, here I am wondering. My wandering thoughts have been bothering me for the past few hours even though I've been trying to distract myself with more Big Bang Theory, random YouTube videos, and sporadic attempts of trying to declutter my iPhone.

The thoughts bother me though - the latest one being that maybe what I need is to learn to say "F*ck you" to some things that bother me. It's a crude word, and honestly I always felt that people who cussed were just expressing in such a generic sense for lack of vocabulary, or effort in expressing themselves more clearly. But I suppose today, my mind thought that such an expression was the most succinct way of summarizing both how I feel, and how I should respond. Urban vocabulary - interesting isn't it?

So yes, back to my mind encouraging me to tell these things to f*ck off.

I suppose the root comes from some anger that I have buried inside of me. Perhaps a culmination of remnants of emotions from many experiences in life for which I have felt unjust... and never expressed for fear they would cause social rejection... or perhaps kept inside for such language and thoughts were simply unbecoming for a lady; very ungracious and with much lack of virtue.

And yet at this juncture I am tempted to begin what could be an hour-long tirade of how much pain there is in the things I remember... to share the injustice in the experiences I've encountered.... for the people whom have hurt me... for the things that have been stolen from me - from an emotionally stable childhood at some point, to my faith in my parents, to my first kiss. My idealistic world has set standards probably unachievable by this world and has obviously caused much dissatisfaction in me...

But all my mind compels me to say right now is "F*ck you".
Although the proper, wiser, lady in me believes in the power of saying "Thank you" instead.

There has never been much fruit that arose from much anger...that's why I never entertain it for long. And I truly believe in the power of being grateful and loving instead.
And yet today, I just feel like flipping one at the universe.

I have never thought this way.
What is wrong with me? :(

At the end of my recent trip...whilst I was having a quick meal in HongKong, I noticed something about myself.
This was the way I started and ended my meal with happiness.





I did not adjust them for the shot. It's just the way I ended happily.

It's not that big and deal...and it's not something new to me. I've always known that disorganization and clutter bothered me and how much peace and calm I find in simplicity and clean lines. But I just haven't been able to do anything about it... Living in a house with seven other people (and a mother of a hoarder) makes it pretty much impossible.

My sister has been encouraging me to see a therapist for a while because she has seen the brunt of how depressed and upset I can get when I have a super low day... thing is:

1. I've tried to see a therapist once before when I was much younger, but ended that session feeling like the therapist was wasting my time and money by just sitting and nodding and asking questions. My friends and family can do that too - for free.
2. My mind runs really quickly and before I respond to a therapist, I already know the possibilities of responses that they will have... and it kinda erodes my respect for them when I'm right. 
3. I've also been trained as a facilitator and counselor... so i know how non-committal it "should" be so that the client will take their own decisions and risks and that one would not be liable for any "advice" given during a session - for all answers would be from the client themselves. This knowledge has given me a great distrust for psychologists - for they are just people interacting with you with as little risk on themselves as possible.
4. I also don't want to "officially" tarnish my personal medical record with something I don't want in my historical medical records like OCD or some other anxiety disorder of some sort.

Maybe I just need exercise.
Or maybe I just need to remember when I was happiest - the moments of great happiness and purpose in my life.
Perhaps I should really consider this year-by-year of life documentation project seriously..maybe it will give me some answers.

But for today, I just need to get through today.
I don't have much energy now for the lack of sleep... but I have to get through today.
I have to walk into my office with a smile. I have to meet decisions with frowns, and questioning questions, and force my brain to think critically and scold staff whom have been underperforming... and encourage those who are down. I have to start my day with my to-do list and end the day with as much organization and productivity and joy as I can muster. Fake it till you make it right?

I have to.
I need to.

Finding myself.

So... I spent most of the layover sleeping because I could barely get any with all the sounds of snoring, toilet flushing and knocking me (that is the last time I ever take that aisle seat at the back EVER again. EVER EVER NEVER again. I am totally a window seat leave-me-alone person).

Aaand, other than about an hour of Big Bang Theory, I spent most of my first day back in Singapore sleeping too. I'm not sure if it's jet lag or my new inefficient, unproductive, escapism strategy that's not going to help anyone or make a difference to the world in anyway. Aren't I the most positive person? :) And now at 12:30am Monday morning, I'm struggling to not sleep, because I don't want to wake up in the morning. Part of me is having some sort of anxiety attack of getting back to work and "real-life" I REALLY don't want to have to drive to the office. I don't want to have to meet my father for a management meeting in the morning. And I don't want to meet with the department heads for an update on what has happened these past two weeks and to make these big decisions on "Strategy 2016" and approve budgets and stuff like that.

I just don't want to.
And I don't understand it.

Thus the reason for my random writing at the wee hours in the morning... trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's tripping me up. The first book I picked up this morning when I awoke was Strengthsfinder....and with what apparently are my top five strengths (1. Ideation, 2. Strategic, 3. Futuristic, 4. Competition, 5. Activator) it seems like I should be perfectly suited to do what I do. And yet I'm stuck... and I don't believe I can do it.

During my stay in London, I reread "Tuesdays with Morrie", one of my favourite books of all time..and many of his questions challenged me, as they always do when I take a peek in. This probably set the tone for a lot of introspection on the trip... during meals I would ask others questions like "What choice of basking would you do if you were a basker?" and "If you had no limits to time, money, or risk of any form, what would you do with your life? What would your dream career be?" It was always interesting to hear what others had to say... but I found it even more so that I often didn't have an answer of my own. I often spend more time listening and trying to guess what the answers of others would be, whilst having much less self-awareness or vision as I encourage others to have.

I suppose it may help going back to basics.

I remember a time when I was studying Early Childhood Education (yes, believe or not, I actually have a diploma in that with a Certificate of Merit), the basic developmental needs of a child was broken up into 5 main categories with the acronym SPICES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Cognitive, Emotional, and Spiritual. I wonder how I fare on each of those categories... but a quick self-assessment feels like I'm not doing too well all round. Maybe that's probably why.

As I asked myself the hard questions... part of me felt like I needed to retrace my steps of human existence. I feel like I need to do some sort of archive of my life - year by year, photographs, notes, pictures...any type of historical artefact of my existence  - starting from the day I was born, to really understand why I'm having this sudden existential crisis at this point.

Okay, it's 2am. I really have to continue this conversation with myself a little later this week.