Happy in the moment.

I've been up since 4am, but considering that I must have slept at about midnight, I'm pretty happy that I was able to wake up so early. I pretty much prayed that God would wake me up so that I could get to my bakery today, but I surprised myself by choosing not to go. I chose instead to stay in bed, did some quiet time, listened to some minimalism videos and asked myself what I wanted to do with my life.

I stayed there for a good hour and a half or so. I eventually got up, showered and now am sitting down with a nice cup of tea and simply enjoying my little space in life now as the smells of the cool early morning rain wafts through the house.

For the past few weeks I've been working on my minimalism project. I kinda mashed a couple of minimalism and decluttering concepts together - mainly that of the 4-box method, the Konmari method, as well as the minimalism challenge of trying to get down to (hopefully) 300 things. But I've targeted first the goals of establishing exactly how many things I have and getting it down to 700 first. I'm still a little nervous about the higher 700-item target - considering that I already have slightly over a hundred items of clothing (not including all my accessories and shoes!).

I've started on clearing out my administrative life about a week back and it has been going great so far. I've finally sorted out most of my most important files of finances and insurance that were bothering me and I just have that of clearing through my personal portfolio and some other random papers I've kept since my university days. I need to go through books as well. I'll prolly get that done by the end of this week.

Interestingly, what this journey has done so far has been more uncomfortable than not. I've been challenged to look at areas of myself that I've disliked - including some kind of irrational fear of finishing or completing things... which perhaps is linked to other irrational fears I have... but that's something I think I'll have to dig deeper and figure out over time. It's a little complicated because I will think of weird things like how "complete" is "complete"? Which, perhaps sounds randomly philosophical, but it makes a little more sense when I talk about my embroidery project...or any art form. What's to say that a work is really "complete"? Only the artist knows, right? But how about the perfectionist artist? It's probably rare for them to ever say that any of their pieces are "completed".

This is a lesson about "letting go" isn't it? :)

Okay, enough thoughts for the morning. :) I shall enjoy another half an hour of it simply sitting with some of my other files and planning what tonight's organization project is going to be.

This year's motto: Simplify to Clarify.

It's good to say that I'm happy right now, even if just for this simple, quiet, moment.

Whole30 Journey: Day Two

Feeling: Hungry

What I ate
Breakfast: Warm water, pineapple slices, some cashews
Lunch: Green tea, pineapple slices, some almonds
Dinner: Hopefully something more substantial. I NEED PROTEIN!

Went supermarket shopping again this morning for breakfast and it was pretty tough. I think I've somehow have it locked in my brain that I can only take fruits and nuts (which I'm actually pretty sick of), and that my protein has to be cooked at home (of which I am also sick of eggs).

I dropped by a Cold Storage in Paya Lebar this time and all I had in my basket at the end of my shopping trip was two punnets of blueberries, some pre-sliced honey pineapple slices, a box of green tea (without brown rice bits. I double checked), and four cans of tuna. (I am surprised though how much more rubbish is put into the "flaked tuna" cans. Chunks it is)

I was a little disappointed that I can't seem to find my plantain chips though. I'm starting to wonder if I should make my own, but I honestly don't have the time to cook on weekdays. :( I eventually had some pineapple and cashews for breakfast, and the rest of the pineapple with some almonds for lunch, with a glass of green tea. It doesn't sound very filling - and it wasn't. But I unfortunately don't think it's quite appropriate to make like a cat and eat canned tuna at work. I shall try to whip something up at home tomorrow morning with the avocados that have finally ripened.

Tonight's going to be a challenge as I have a dinner appointment. I have given up on trying to avoid canola oil and vegetable oil whilst eating out (it's totally impossible unless I force all my colleagues and business partners to eat at salad stops/whole30 bars which are not available in Singapore), but how do I explain sugar, soy and grain...

These are the recommended items for tonight's dinner at Tambuah Mas and the issues I'm going to have with them (other than vegetable oil in all of them):
- Tahu Telor (fried beancurd and eggs): soy, sugar, may have flour
- Rendang Lembu (beef rendang): sugar, may have flour
- Ikan Pedas (grilled seabass in banana leaves): sugar, may have soy sauce, usually too spicy to eat alone and has to be eaten with rice
- Sop Buntut (spicy ox-tail soup): may have MSG, may have soy sauce, I'm not sure about sugar
- Udang Belado (fried succulent prawns in chilli gravy): I'm allergic to prawns, definitely will have sugar
- Gado Gado (mixed vegetables with tofu, crackers and spicy peanut dressing): LOVE this dish, but tofu = soy, crackers = grain. Sigh.
- Sayur Lodeh (cabbage, long beans and beancurd in spicy coconut milk): Soy, usually has some sugar too, usually served with rice... grain.

Argh, how is this going to work out?
I definitely need some protein tonight. It's only 4pm and I'm hungry.
I technically have a right to be hungry though. After all, all my poor body has had all day has been green tea, pineapples, and a some nuts. Poor body.

On the bright side, there's a pretty decent supermarket there.
Maybe I'll be able to get some decent (non vegetable oil fried) plantain chips. I am craving crispy. :)


On other notes: 
It's "strictly" Day 2 because of all the slip ups I've had, but I technically started on this last Monday... so it "could have been" Day 12 today. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of the discipline I have been able to exercise though. It's been a long time since I've felt SO in control of my choices. And it's nice to have a solid reason to be able to just walk away from things that are just not good for my body.

I also took my latest blood test yesterday at the clinic to check my levels of hypothyroid stuffies. Hopefully, if the Whole30 is working out for me, my numbers will look a lot better next week when the results come out. I'm looking forward to it! (I just hope that I'm not one of those who actually needs to cut out eggs and nightshades from my diet for real results. I don't think I could live without tomatoes forever.)

Getting the house in order

What a day it has been... more so like what a two days it has been.

Thank God for public holidays. Really.
I cannot imagine what I would do without them... they are so important for rest.

I've come to the realization that you will know when you're overworked/working way too hard when you look forward to "forced" holidays, so that you can sleep (instead of looking forward to festivities). But tis' the situation we are in right now - that my family just has to work extra hard, and hopefully I'll be able to celebrate my birthday in October with much peace and anticipation.

In the meantime, we just need to pull through this season!

I basically spent the whole of Good Friday at home doing 3 main things - eating, sleeping, and working.... and today was pretty much the same, except that I also accomplished my springcleaning task this week.

As so:

Finally cleared the landing which was chucked with
all sorts of random junk from the other family members.
I'm not quite finished but I'll get to the rest of it when it's time to tackle the "Books" category with mum
(because most of them are hers).
It was the bane of my mornings.

Running a family business is interesting in the sense that sometimes, or rather, in the early parts of the life cycle of the family business, the professional and personal parts of family get so intertwined that goodness knows what paperwork has gone where. And now I'm on a mission to stop it.

Tomorrow I will tackle an office declutter project - and I'm tackling the main office. And then send a motherlode of stuff to the Salvation Army! I can't wait!

I will get this house in order!

Day 272: :)

Good News!

Good news! Debracing is scheduled for 17th MARCH!!! :D

Bad news is that my alignment is off! As so:

Look at my midline (marked in red)! They're not aligned! :(
Come on jaw, work with me!
The blue lines are the bands I'm currently wearing to try to fix it.

So it's back to Cranberry bands for me...I think they're supposed to tease my jaws into place. Other than that, I think Orthoman has put on some locking bands along my top and bottom teeth to keep the rest of my teeth in place.

Hopefully it'd all be aligned in a couple of weeks. CAN'T WAIT TO DEBRACE THOUGH! I've been waiting so long! I shall go ahead and book a cleaning and whitening that same week! :D

Setting the pace for 2015

Days since op: 220! Gosh, time really flies!
Pain Level: 1.  My chin hurts when I rub it. I think things are still not quite fused up.   

Swelling: I like to believe I'm still swollen.

Sleep last night: Okay, I've been trying to "get a life" nowadays so I do stay out late and sleep late...but now it's more for social reasons than due to discomfort from the surgery.
Other weirdness: Right cheek feels permanently tight. Surgeonman says it's due to some bone thing and that if I wanted to get rid of it, I might need to go back to surgery to shave some of the bone off. :( 

Mood: Lazy Sunday. It's a nice feeling to be able to laze a day away.

It's interesting how time works...that as one walks through life, you make decisions at certain junctures to build on the plot of one's life. Right now, my life has been about work, my pets, getting back to German, as well as fencing. Yes! I'm back to fencing! And here's proof!

It is such a joy to have a blade again. 
Feels like I got a part of me back! :)

It wasn't easy getting back on the piste. This past Wednesday was the first time I was back to fencing others (after a long 8 year break) and gosh did I get trashed. I did score a few points... but pretty much lost every bout - including to a left hander who decided to fence me with his right hand. Thanks.

Warrior has grown so much now. This was a picture of him just a few weeks ago. 

Isn't he the sweetest little thing? :)

And this is a more recent picture of him...except with a little surprise!

Warrior has siblings!

It was just two weeks ago that when I was checking Mummyrabbit whether her milk was sufficient for Warrior that I realized something weird was going on in her tummy. There was something more than just milk in there which left me puzzled because we had seperated Daddyrabbit from her since the delivery of Warrior. Then it clicked! The day Warrior was born, we thought we had lost the whole litter and decided to leave Mummyrabbit with Daddyrabbit... you know, for emotional support. And yeah, this was apparently what happened in those 5 minutes. On the day she gave birth! (That bastard! Haha) But yes, there is so much truth to the term "breeding like rabbits". Initially, I had thought she only had two because they felt so small in her, but when the time came, five little kits appeared.... bringing the total number of rabbits I now own to NINE (the parents, Marshmallow, Warrior, and five new little kits). 

I thought I had a handful with four at first, but now with nine I totally know what it feels like to be a working mother. :D

Mummyrabbit with her five new little kits.

This was them at a few days old. They looked like little pigs.
They were much smaller than when I remembered how Warrior was.

My five little loves. 
All getting white with fur.
The one with a little cut on his nose is Explorer.
I'm not sure how he got that cut, but it might have been from an accident with Mummyrabbit, Warrior, or from a one time I almost lost him when he crawled out and under the cage. I still don't know how that happened, but thank God I went to check on them and found him or he may not have survived!

But yep, life seems to be on to a rolling start this year. I'm back to fencing, checking in to Duolingo everyday for my German, Pilates on Saturdays.... somehow life seems to be getting back on track. There's a quote that I have on my bathroom wall that says "It does not matter how many times you fall. What matters is that you get back up." Take as much time as you need, but get back up. :)

The process is irritating though, and sometimes I get really impatient with my progress. Be it with my fitness (or current lack of), with work, with heart issues, with healing from the jaw surgery (go away numbness!), but some things just take time.

This week, I'm going to try to get my electronic life, financials, and paperwork in order.

To a wonderful 2015!

Happy.

Days since op: 198
Pain Level: 0.5 - Orthoman put a band in. I thought it wasn't much, but gosh it hurt over time!

Swelling: Gonna ask Surgeonman about my right cheek next week.

Sleep last night: Stayed out late with friends just talking till 5 in the morning. Wasn't very wise considering it brought back the high fever today. X_X
Other weirdness: I now have a "button" on one of my teeth.

Mood: Meh~ I've been sick - as in, that I'm still ill with the flu...high fever, stuffy nose, bad cough...the full works.

So I went to see Orthoman yesterday (I practically flew there because of a really packed day!), I was so glad to finally grt there because I had missed two weeks of appointments. It wasn't anything too exciting...seemed like the usual changing of the bands... except this time he pasted this little metal button on one of my teeth to pull it outwards. 

As so:

Doesn't look like much, but that little band pulling at my teeth hurt like crap last night.

I'm just glad it was just a matter of affixing the little fella (no drilling or other scary stuff). I got Cranberries (the rubber bands) and though I initially thought I'd call Orthoman back and tell him to give me something tighter so things will move faster, I was really surprised how much they hurt at dinner time! #neverunderestimateOrthomanagain

I asked Orthoman about the little clump of nerves in my right cheek I was pretty worried about, and it turns out that they are salivary glands and is purely, and I quote, "anatomical". Okay, sure, Mr. Orthoman. I've also recently been feeling a little weird about my jaws - as in, a physical weird - because it sometimes feels as if I can tell exactly where the cut in the bone across my top jaw is and that my jaws are "floating" and aren't really connected to the rest of my skull. Does that make sense? Orthoman attributed it to the possibility that my nerves are still waking up which makes me more attuned to sensations. Crap, I don't know what it's going to feel like in another half a year! The last thing I want is to feel like an old lady with dentures!

Did I also mention how I had a slightly envious episode watching a friend chomp down on a candy cane? She literally just used her teeth and broke parts of the candy cane off and just chomped at it! It's totally sacrilegious (because we all know that candy canes are meant to be properly licked/sucked on, which is the appropriate method in which all candies should be rightfully consumed), but I was amazed how she could just chomp down on a hard candy cane!! I think it's going to be a few years before I attain that sort of functionality.

I was really hoping that I'd be able to get these silly braces off by Chinese New Year in February, but Dr. Wee insists that it'd be another 4-5 months of braces. :(((( NOOOooooOOOooo... When will this ever end? I really expected them to be off a lot earlier! :( Part of me would like to think he's just this uber perfectionist, but at the same time it feels like he's dragging this out. I've been in braces for 2 years! And I guess it kinda sucks that a lot of other JS patients have already been "freed" from the metal. Patience, Claire Ariela! Patience!

Also, after a long chat and some reflecting over the events of the past few years, I have decided that this year, I WILL BE HAPPY.
Awesome New Year Resolution. Everyone should include it on their list.

Day 57: New Haircut! :)

Pain Level: 0 - No pain. :) And jaws are a lot less sensitive.

Swelling: I don't really know anymore, but I'd like to think there's more to go down.

Sleep last night: Only slept at 630 this morning as I got too excited about work. :) But got something like 5 hours after... and under-eye circles. :(
Other weirdness: Been snapping bands like no one's business. Yay eating. :)

Mood: Happy. :)

Nothing much to report...except that I happily went to the hair salon and got a haircut today! 

A new haircut was supposed to be Month 3's reward, but I just had to do something about my hair to prep for my event tomorrow. I was so glad to see my hair stylist and visiting the salon always makes me super happy. Next Hair Salon at Holland Village has THE BEST hairwash in Singapore (at least that I know so far in all my life). :) I did have a weird creepy experience with my hairwasher this time though... In the middle of the hairwash, whilst my eyes were closed, he leaned in and kinda said in my ear "Am I too hard?" (referring to the pressure of the massage that is part of the hairwash) with a weird deep voice...it was creepiness central, but other than that, the hairwash was still awesome. :) 

I love how awesome my stylist is. He just makes me so happy... there's just something about getting my hair cut and blown well. :) I was a bit hesitant about getting bangs...especially when my stylist made reference to Taylor Swift, but I'm glad I just courageously did it. I think it was a pretty great decision.

Gonna see Orthoman tomorrow morning! Can't wait!

Just another happy day at the salon.

Day 38: Of Happy Walks and Rewards

Pain Level: 1 - A lot of tingling in the numb parts of my chin and lip whilst I was on my walk today. I think exercise stimulates my nerves! I should do more of these walks!

Swelling: It's going down slooowly.

Sleep last night: Not too good. Slept at 3. I don't know why I'm sleeping so late nowadays..I think I might be eating too late. :/
Other weirdness: I honestly think my hair is doing a lot better now. Yay for supplements!

Mood: Happy... exercise and walks in nature makes me happy. :)

Got a pair of pretty new shoes today
to mark the beginning of many
wonderful walks and runs. :)

I went out for a walk at the reservoir with the bestie today and I am SO thankful for her. We talked through quite a few things - specifically about charting my life and all the confusion that I have been battling. I think it's a real relief to have friends who are practical and logical and who can talk you through life when things get really emotional and confusing. Thank God for friends like that.

So after our long walk, I've decided to just go ahead with exploring the world of modeling, but also keeping academia in sight. Tomorrow I'm just going to make the bold step to send in my Masters application and see where that leads me. This journey of re-discovery of myself and my strengths has really been very eye-opening for me. I am thankful for this season. 

Walks are really therapeutic for me. There's just something about being in nature that helps me think better. I think I'm going to try to incorporate walks into my everyday life, or at least every weekend, and maybe every public holiday too. :)  I think I shall put up a list of places I shall conquer around Singapore. :) Tomorrow, I shall conquer the Tampines Eco Park (I didn't even know that existed!). I can't wait!

I've also decided to draw up a "recovery milestone" rewards chart. At one-month post--op, I rewarded myself with a mani and padi and it was really encouraging for me. It's like a little celebration to look forward to. Here are my upcoming rewards that I have planned - each carefully thought through in projecting whether I will be able to be in the right physical health to endure the processes of each of them. :)

Ariela's Recovery Milestone Rewards Chart (General Plan)

• One month Post-Op (20 Jul)Mani & Pedi
• Two months Post-Op (20 Aug): 17 Aug, Singapore Children's Society 3km walk & A feet, neck back and shoulders massage at Holland Village after. :)
• Three months Post-Op (20 Sep): Haircut Makeover at Next. I think a lot of swelling should be gone by then for me to have a new hairstyle. Hopefully!
• Four months Post-Op (20 Oct, My birthday is coming! :D): A short easy hiking weekend getaway in Tioman (probably in Nov).
• Five months Post-Op (20 Nov):
  16 Nov Run for Hope 10km run. (Hopefully I'll be able to run...or at least walk really fast.)
• Six months Post-Op (20 Dec, Christmas is coming!): A delicious PALEO PARTY. Dinner of Paleo PIZZAS and all sorts of other stuff. A Paleo Cauliflower-crust pizza. :D I can't wait!
• Seven months Post-Op (20 Jan 2015, One month to CNY): Hiking & Nature trip + SHOPPING SPREE in BANGKOK. (Also depends if Ii get into my Masters.)
• Ten months Post-Op (20 Apr 2015): Back to Fencing! Splurge on fencing gear.
• One-year Post-Op (20 June 2015): Photoshoot for portfolio 
• October 2015: Germany for Anuga!. :)
• Two-years Post-op (Graduation from Masters July 2016): Visit England and volunteer there for the Summer.

Things are looking up. 
Take that depression! :)

I'm really enjoying coming
up with syringe-friendly
recipes. :)

Food Report
Day 38 (Sunday)
Brunch

• Two bowls of Apple & Herb Salmon Quinoa (This was so delicious! :)))
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule, Vitamin B

Dinner

• 1 cup Chocolate Banana Blueberry & Almond Blend (Chock-filled with goodness!)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule, 1 cup Redoxon

Day 34: Food Post! Syringe-friendly food!

Pain Level: 0 - Didn't really feel any pain today. My right cheek is still a little tight which makes smiling a little weird. But I expect it to improve in time.

Swelling: Gone down just a tad I think.

Sleep last night: A little late, but I'm hoping to improve that today.
Other weirdness:  Nothing too weird happened today. That's a good thing I think. :)

Mood: Happy...hopeful to overcome my work slump.

I cooked great foods today and probably ate the biggest meals since the surgery. I've had dessert at both meals and I even had THREE bowls of cous cous tonight (Achievement Unlocked!). Really surprised myself that I had such a good appetite today... but I guess it might have been the rice... or the chocolate. :)

I've been stumped by work for a while and today something just clicked in me to let go of the stress. I'm looking forward to getting back to the office tomorrow... I somehow have not been able to get back. I think I might get back into the swing of things again tomorrow. Hopefully my body and mind will hold up.

Other than that, I think it's cooking that's been giving me some joy. The whole challenge of thinking of creative possibilities that'd fit into my little syringe has been giving me a happy perk. And even better that they taste SO good... so much better than my first weeks of soups, bland meals, and terribly sweet juices. I've been posting a few of them on IG and I was glad that I could encourage some other jaw surgery patients that they could still survive stuck with a syringe. Thought I'd post some of them here too...

Mains...

Desserts & Snacks... 

Food Report

Breakfast

• 2 bowls Preserved Olive Porridge with Cajun Spices and Paprika (I just love the taste)
• 1 cup Creamier Lavender and Earl Grey Ice-cream marbled with 2 tbspns of Nutella (It was SO delicious)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule, Redoxon (Vit C+Zinc)

Lunch

• Vitamin B tablet  

Dinner

• 3 bowls of Mediterranean Cous Cous with paprika (was SO good. Loved it that there were red capsicums in it!)
• 1/2 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
• 2 teaspoons Nutella (had a chocolate craving)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule

High point of the day

Cooking great foods today. Visiting my office for a bit.
Low point of the day
Felt a bit low under the stress of work earlier in the day.

Day 33: Unmotivated

Pain Level: 1 -  Got weird electrocutey feelings in my chin and lip (where it's currently numb) on my walk out to the supermarket today. Other than that, nothing much bothered me today.

Swelling: I've pretty much given up on keeping track now.

Sleep last night: Was okay. I think I got about 6 hours. Weird dreams.
Other weirdness: Pee tonight was a neon yellow today. I think it's because I've added a Vitamin B supplement to my diet. #0_o# Rash below nose still there. One little rash seems to have developed into a bump.

Mood: Unmotivated.

I've recently become very disinterested in work issues and a lot more interested in the activities that I feel are more important in my life. It's hard to put a finger on it, but I think I've just become very much jaded by all that has been going on around me - dealing with legal issues, trying to figure people out, considering business options.... is this the life I want to live?

Today my mind just focused on what was a serious, but perhaps silly question, "Is it possible to grow taller at this age?"

I've been researching a couple of different options - including this weird, but seemingly very wide-spread one called "Grow Taller for Idiots", and there's another one which works with a pill and stretches. I'm a little skeptical, so I'm going to hold on to the purchases for a while and talk to one of my aunts. My aunt actually did visit a doctor who prescribed her sons with some growth hormone pills and now they are REALLY tall. I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday to ask her about it... I figure that if there is something out there that works, even if it's just exercise and proper sleeping patterns, I might just give it a go. If I'm serious about exploring modeling, I need to break into the 5'4 or more.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I suppose it is a good thing that there is a certain level of commitment and passion to getting to this goal of mine. If it works, it might just open new doors for me. Maybe. But at least I try.

I'll have to get back on track tomorrow. A lot of people are depending on me.
I also need to start thinking about the future (beyond all the whirlwind of stuff at work) soon.

In the meantime, I've keeping myself well occupied with research and writing... and thinking of new syringe-friendly foods so that I will keep myself satiated as I can feel my body starting to craving to chew on things again. I've been encouraged by a friend that I should really be posting up my photos and recipes of my plethora of syringe-friendly foods... Maybe I'll do a food, or "food", post soon. :) Gotta watch my weight though... I still have about 8 kilos to lose to get to my target weight.

Food Report

Brunch (Woke up a little late today)

• 1 bowl of preserved olive porridge with a dash of cajun spices and paprika (this was SO good!)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule, Redoxon (Vit C+Zinc)

This was dinner tonight. :)
Herb-baked salmon with
spinach in egg drop soup.
I was SO happy how protein-packed
it was... and that I had VEGETABLES!

Tea

• 1 can of coconut water (Yuck. Wish it were fresh. It tastes so different (see: disgusting) in a can.)
• Supplements: Vitamin B

Dinner

• 2 bowls of herb-baked salmon with spinach in egg drop soup
• One piece of fried breadcrumb crusted fish which was one of the dishes for the family dinner today.  (I tore it into tiny bits and put it into my mouth... yes, I even tried to chew a bit. But it didn't work. Tasted nice though... even though I had to swallow it like a pill at the end.)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule

Exercise

• Walked out to the supermarket

High point of the day
I think getting some outside-work work done.
Low point of the day
Not getting much real work done.

Day 32: Weird Observations and Profile shots.

Pain Level: 0 - Or maybe I'm just getting used to my weird left jaw joint.

Swelling: I can't quite tell whether it's going up or down anymore.

Sleep last night: Pretty good. I think I slept a full 8 hours from 12am - 8am.
Other weirdness:  Stray threads and all sorts of weird stuff today.

Mood: Looking forward to the future.

Today was a day of weird observations.

For one, I've noticed some random stray threads drifting to the front of my teeth as I brush now. I know Surgeonman told me my stitches would drop off by themselves, but this was pretty scary. I was afraid of accidentally pulling on it and loosening something...like some part of my jaw that would drop out or something.

This was taken when
I was really swollen
around Day 3 or 4.
Can you see that
little wound on my lip?
It was from the op,
and it's now a little
crater. :(

I've also been feeling this rough patch behind my bottom incisors. At first, I thought it was some gross plaque of some sort building up (because it's a pretty difficult spot to reach with my toothbrush with my bands on). After doing a little research, I found out it's probably a (the?) spicuole - the walls of the tooth socket (Description can be found here.)  It freaked me out a bit to know that I could feel a TOOTH SOCKET. I mean, how much must the gums behind my teeth have receded for me to actually be able to feel the walls of the socket that used to hold it? Isn't that a freaky thought? It's apparently common and it's supposed to smooth out though.

On other notes, I think one of the surgeons/medical staff took a little nick off my skin at the corner of my lip and it has now become a little crater. :( It's not visible from afar, but I can definitely see the depression in my bathroom lights and it's really sad. I'm going to try to use Vitamin E to massage it daily now and hope it will naturally "fill up" again. :(

I've also developed some sort of rash today just below the sides of my nostrils. They're not the itchy sort of rashes...just a little red and bumpy. This was superbly random. I have absolutely no idea what's the cause of them. The only added thing to my diet today has been the Hi-Omega 3 tablet...which I doubt would cause rashes. I'm guessing I must have touched something and accidentally touched my face.

Other than that, I did a really brave thing today...I actually uploaded my pre and post profile shots onto the amazing Jaw Surgery FB group because I went into a little one-month post-op panic that I might have an overbite now (instead of my underbite that I was trying to fix). This was it:

Posted this in the FB Jaw Surgery group for support and feedback.
The top is my profile from before, and the bottom is at it is now.
I'm still pretty swollen and I was so worried that I might have an overbite now.

Everyone in the FB group thought it looked great though (which was a big surprise). I guess I might be overly critical of myself. Someone in the group made a comment though that I look really different. I think I've come to terms with the fact (based on the feedback of the different groups of people that I have met) that there are just some people who are going to think that I look really different, and others who think I look the same. Just as there are some days I think there hasn't been much of a change, and others which I dread to look in the mirror and spend an hour or so covering up the bottom half of my face, wishing it'd look different. Two of them thought I could consider genioplasty...which I have been wondering if the right call was made to have not done it. But I doubt I'd do it. If it's not necessary medically, why go through all of this again right?

I'm looking forward to seeing Surgeonman and Orthoman soon. Everytime I see them, I feel like the world's a better place and that this process is going much better than my nerves and insecurities sometimes skew them to be.

On other notes, I did do my research on my German classes, and Petite Modeling (even though at 5'3 I don't even make the "Petite" 5'4 cut), and Pilates classes. I've found my German classes, as well as Pilates which will begin in August - that's in a week or so, so I have time to prepare myself for them, as well as Ballet which will start in Sept (so that I will be somewhat stronger by then). I'll be getting back to fencing in a year... and maybe at the end of next year, I'll complete my first marathon.

Although all this is happening in the midst of really complicated and stressful circumstances at work, taking time to actually research things to invest into myself... I suddenly feel like I'm getting my life back a little bit at a time. :)

Food Report

Breakfast

• 1/2 bowl Black Sesame Paste (Come on hair! Let's do this!)
• Supplements: 1 CalcD tablet, 1 Hi-Omega 3 tablet, 1 cup Redoxon (Vitamin C + Zinc)
  As you can see, I just wanted to be done with all my supplements for the day

Lunch

• 1 bowl pulled-pork porridge (obviously can't get enough of this. :) Proteins!)

Dinner (super big dinner today!)

• 1 large cup of fresh watermelon juice
• 1 bowl of pulled pork porridge with 4 tsp of curry stirred in. :) (Finished all of it. No leftovers!)
• 1 cup Banana Almond Soy smoothie with ALOT of Nutella and 2 tsp Coconut Oil
• Supplements: 1 CalcD tablet, 1 Hi-Omega 3 tablet

High point of the day
Investing time in researching things to get back to things I've "always wanted to do". :)
Low point of the day
No real low points today.

Day 31: One-month Post Op!

Pain Level: 2 - My left jaw hinge is still being naughty when it's time to brush my teeth. It's trying to keep my jaws closed! I tried to pop a huge Hi-Omega 3 tablet through my teeth today and I think I opened a little too wide. :( My stitches on my bottom jaw are hurting now. :((

Swelling: I think it's going down slowly. Yay, cheekbones. Come back soon! 

Other weirdness: Sometimes when I wake up, my hands feel numb and tingly for a while.

Mood: Hopeful.

Yay, new nail colour. :)
And yes, I'm still too swollen
and self-conscious
to dare to take a full photo.

So amazing things happened today.

First of all, I MADE IT!
I made it to one-month post-op! Hurrah!

I was so proud of myself, that I celebrated it by pampering myself with a mani and pedi, as well as whipping up a wonderful celebratory dinner (which fit into my syringe of course. :))

My manicurist made a comment about my nails and skin today though. :( She said that my skin has become really dry and that my nails obviously showed signs of a lack of nutrition because they had ugly ridges and cracks, and they were really thin. :( I guess the CalcD tablets have not been enough. I've been advised to take more soybean milk and tofu (which is apparently not Paleo) to get my nails back in shape... and to moisturize my feet and hands everyday from now till... forever I suppose. I guess this is a good exercise of discipline and self-care - stuff that I never really bothered too much about till now.

I started a new regime today of incorporating at least 2 teaspoons of coconut oil, as well as a Hi-Omega 3 tablet (on top of my current CalcD and Vitamin C+Zinc routine) into my daily diet. I also read somewhere that I should be taking Vitamin B supplements. :/ Man, I don't want to be popping too many pills. I'm going to try to see how I can incorporate those needs by taking fresh blended juices.  I am determined to get luscious beautiful hair at the end of 6 months! 

I had a really deep chat with my mum this morning again about my difficulties with getting used to the changes, as well as other things like my personal insecurities and concerns for the future. The sermon at church today also challenged me about how I have been living my life (specifically, on how well I have invested my time), and about my calling in life. The topics in the conversation, as well as the challenge, really brought me to a place of reflection and self-discovery - of things I've always set aside whilst I dealt with the aspects of life which were more of a concern to others, than to me; stuff that I was interested in but ignored, because others had needs or other expectations of me that I felt I had to fulfill first. 

With the heavy dinner I had tonight, I doubt I'm going to be sleeping for a while so I'm just going to look for a pilates class, look for a modelling class (yes, even though I don't make the height and currently maybe not even the weight requirements), as well as my next German class and exam - which is actually one of my resolutions this year. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pay Germany a nice long visit next year, and perhaps spend some time in England.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try to get my life back in order.
Food Report

Breakfast

I think I'm going to start
a syringe-friendly
recipe book soon.

• 1 cup Bananas, Peanut Butter, and Unsweetened Almondmilk (and some nutella)
  I stirred 2 teaspoons of coconut oil in to improve the shine of my hair. The coconut taste was so strong and I tried to mask it with the nutella. Didn't really work. ^^
• 1 CalcD tablet

Lunch

• Missed - I went to an art exhibition, and had a meeting after...and kinda forgot to bring my syringe out #^_^# But! The heavy breakfast kept me really full!

Dinner

• 1/2 bowl Slow-cooked pulled pork in apple sauce! Delish!
• 1 cup Redoxon
• 1 CalcD tablet, 1 Hi-Omega 3 capsule

High point of the day
Did my nails! And a wonderful celebratory dinner!
Low point of the day
Realizing it's Monday again tomorrow. Boo... :(

Day 25: First post-surgery appointment with Orthoman! :)

Pain Level: 1 - My left jaw ached a lot yesterday whilst I was brushing my teeth. I get weird little electrocutey feelings in my gums/chin area at times.

Swelling: I CAN SEE SOME OF THE SHADOW OF THE HOLLOWS IN MY CHEEKBONES! Happiness!

Other weirdness: I still get dizzy spells when I get up too quickly.

Mood: Pretty happy.

This was my SAVIOUR post-surgery
when I felt like I had a whole dam
of plaque stuck on my tongue.
Made me a REALLY happy girl.

So I went to see Orthoman today and he didn't freak out nor did he drop me as his patient because I had turned into some freak or something. I was SO thankful (and yes, highly aware now that I really should be less dramatic with my panic sessions in my head). I missed seeing him! It's been so many months! (Yes, I get a little emotional toward the people who care for me. #^_^#) 

So other than Orthoman's usual awkwardness and inability to make eye contact when I talk to him (which still makes me feel a bit awkward), it was a great appointment. It was basically just him checking with how I was doing, reassuring me that the swell will go down, checking the state of my teeth and the bite - to which he said was great. :))) He also said I have great oral hygiene! Yay. :) I have to give credit to my friends - my little baby toothbrush, my tongue cleaner, and my happy Colgate alcohol-free Green Tea mouthwash. :D

It's still weird though that Orthoman is so awkward. Based on the blog he maintained for his clinic, he seemed like a nice person with a witty personality... except that it doesn't seem to come out at our appointments. Maybe I make people feel awkward. I need to find a way to improve that.

Spent the rest of the day with work stuff which is getting quite mundane at home.

I think I'm struggling a lot less with food now... I've just become a lot less anxious about it because it just feels so unproductive and damaging to my emotional and psychological health. I think I'm just going to eat what I can, not worry about my weight, get enough sunlight and keep to my simple strength training exercises to keep my Vitamin D and happy hormone levels up, and just not worry about my caloric intake anymore.

Oh, did I also mention I decided to go back to ballet?
I figured that I can't do Pilates (because doing a 5 second plank the other day almost killed me as it felt like my jaws were going to fall out), I can't fence yet (because all the lightness on feet and the possibility of getting jabbed in my mask freaks me out), so I figured ballet would work. :) It'd improve my balance, posture, as well as stretch and tone me up a little. :) I've started hunting for classes and might take an adult beginner's class with the Singapore Dance Theatre. Fingers crossed that they'd have slots!

Tomorrow, I'm headed back to office to start working half days... just to get myself back in the swing of things. I miss my office, I miss my staff, I miss my little plants in my office.

Can't wait.

Food Report

Breakfast
1 bowl of scrambled egg white with curry spice
1 CalcD tablet

Lunch
Missed - work. (I need to stop doing this. :/)

Dinner
1 cup of watermelon juice
1/2 cup of black sesame paste
1 cup of Redoxon
1 CalcD tablet

High point of the day
Seeing Orthoman again and having him not drop me as a hideous post-surgery patient or something. Also went organic shopping again! :D
Low point of the day
No low points today. :) Little victories!