The capacity to care

I have no more capacity to care.
Be clear, that this is different from the capacity to love.
Perhaps one is a subset of another, but for today, to protect the goodness I still hope I have, they are disparate.

I have no more capacity for passive aggressive behaviours.
I already have my own demons to fight, on somedays it takes all of me to stay alive. I'd much rather not deal with yours as well.

I have no capacity for your wounds, including the new ones you make.
I already have my own, and I am doing everything I can to not think about them.

I have no capacity for your brattish inclinations.
I already have people in my life that I love that I expend my limited energies to care for.

I have no capacity for your illogical unwise decisions.
"I told you so" no longer works, because I've already given up on cautioning you.

I guess I'm writing today because I'm concerned that my capacities are depleting...
Like a tired nurse in a war-zone with depleting supplies... sooner or later you will have to harden your heart to those you used to help, and embrace the darkness that accepts mortality wholeheartedly.

What is this darkness that lingers so long?
Has it enjoyed my company so much that it has set up camp for the long run?
Or perhaps it is on a mission - determined to douse my protected flame of idealistic kindness.

And yet I choose to struggle against it.
For darkness is insignificant in this world that is already clouded over.

What is it to be a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and yet find oneself the exhausted lost wanderer; pillaged by the journey thus far?

Focus:

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Where is the love?

The in-between

 Have you ever found yourself in a place where you feel like you don't quite fit in?

As if in a place of tribes, except you are alone - in the void between... an invisible space where no one can detect nor consider acknowledging the possibility of its existence.

I suppose it could be a beautiful place. Like a plain where one could grow a vast orchard... where fruits would abound and flower with life. And yet, on some days (perhaps most days where one does not have the energy of optimism) it's an empty vacuum... suffocating, and relentlessly dim.

And yet, would you share this land you live in?

Would you ask for another to visit?

Surely love would shut the light out - for fearing the darkness would douse its beauty.

Outside this shifting landscape, the value of the land seems worthless.
Who would trust this space - where one day it may be a gleaming palace, and the next, a toxic wasteland.
Surely there are places safer than this... even a small patch of grass would offer more security.


And yet, this space demands to be commanded.
Can its master lay claim and chart its destiny?

Of Vortexes

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a never-ending vortex?

A place of constant struggle to flee, and yet the trajectory of where you find yourself does not allow an escape? 

Perhaps you wish you had wings of your own to fly.

And yet the howling winds remind you that the torture of the constant swirl has long sapped your energies and broken your spirit.

Have you ever felt that life has had its way with you... Of having flung you around like a raggedy doll - without care, or respect.

Have you felt the desire so much to want to break free.

And yet the chains of the vortex pull you deeper still.

At some point of time, you have to convince yourself that this is all in your mind.

And perhaps there needs to be a lot of work in the convincing.

Perhaps it requires a total reset.

Perhaps you have to come to a place of quiet where you can no longer hear a thing.

A place where the howling stops.

A place where the opinions stop.

A place where the expectations stop.

A peaceful place where only your mind can go.

A new place that is not a vortex.

And yet you know that your mind is not to be underestimated.

There is a brilliance there that will drive to make the vortex a permanent tangibility.

But this should not be so.

Surely your spirit isn't to be trifled with either.

With great fear presents opportunity for great courage.

Save yourself.

Still your heart and mind.

Take that bold step out.

Even though you may fall...

It is still better than staying in the vortex till it steals even your breath - at that point it will be too late to go anywhere else.

It is not too late.