Of Vortexes

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a never-ending vortex?

A place of constant struggle to flee, and yet the trajectory of where you find yourself does not allow an escape? 

Perhaps you wish you had wings of your own to fly.

And yet the howling winds remind you that the torture of the constant swirl has long sapped your energies and broken your spirit.

Have you ever felt that life has had its way with you... Of having flung you around like a raggedy doll - without care, or respect.

Have you felt the desire so much to want to break free.

And yet the chains of the vortex pull you deeper still.

At some point of time, you have to convince yourself that this is all in your mind.

And perhaps there needs to be a lot of work in the convincing.

Perhaps it requires a total reset.

Perhaps you have to come to a place of quiet where you can no longer hear a thing.

A place where the howling stops.

A place where the opinions stop.

A place where the expectations stop.

A peaceful place where only your mind can go.

A new place that is not a vortex.

And yet you know that your mind is not to be underestimated.

There is a brilliance there that will drive to make the vortex a permanent tangibility.

But this should not be so.

Surely your spirit isn't to be trifled with either.

With great fear presents opportunity for great courage.

Save yourself.

Still your heart and mind.

Take that bold step out.

Even though you may fall...

It is still better than staying in the vortex till it steals even your breath - at that point it will be too late to go anywhere else.

It is not too late.

Whole30 Journey: Dark Days?

Lunch today:
Grilled chicken with some baked sweet potatoes with a side of
fresh raspberries, mangoes and salad leaves. :)

W30 Day 9
Can't believe I could be at Day 20 if I didn't have to keep restarting. >_>

How I'm feeling: 
Sticky from a walk (and random aerobic exercise in the park) earlier this evening... and sleepless cause I just ate some homemade sweet potato crisps, a couple of mango cubes, and a bunch of cashews.

W30 Dark Days?
I'm not too sure, but I think I've gone down a dark road since my two overnighters at the office this past week...that, coupled with the comments on weight loss and seeing the numbers at my recent health check... something has changed.

As much as I'm still treasuring the discipline and all that has come from doing the W30, somehow the comments about my weight loss has shifted something in my psyche to be very much conscious about that indirect resultant part of this journey - which was not my initial intent. Anxiousness about work has also thrown me off and I'm back to sleeping at 2am in the morning. :( This is not good. I have to somehow reset this. My focus was about health, regaining control over different areas of my life, and just...getting life back on a happy road again. :/ Okay, I'm going to focus on getting back into momentum again this week.

Food wise I've still been pretty disciplined though.
I went back to Parkway this week and picked up two more Larabars. Bought some seaweed, asparagus and restocked on my organic mulberries (that I now really love to snack on) :). I just need to get into the momentum of three square meals. It seems tough to 1) not miss meals at work, and 2) not to snack.

But I'm going to try.

I've decided that I'm also going to try to chill a little more, and try to "get a life" more.
Things at work are still crazy and terrifying, but I'm choosing to prioritize things that ALSO matter to me. Things like family, my relationships with my friends, my relationship with God, trying to get more integrated into church-life, practicing my German and prepping myself for other languages I want to pick up... stuff like that.

This W30 process has made me start thinking about my "ideal life" vs life as it is now.... as well as my "ideal self" vs who I am right now. I guess physically I'm on the right path... but emotionally and intellectually, I seem to have shelved a lot of things for my work. There were/are a lot of things that matter to me - climate change, animal welfare, making a difference in the lives of others, learning languages, living simply and efficiently (if that doesn't sound too weird). I guess part of me is starting to realize that I have to care for myself too.

Life is not all about work and scary life things.
I need to remember that - and focus on that.

Okay, it's past 1 am. Time to hit the shower and hopefully catch some shut eye.
It's Monday tomorrow. It's the start of a new week.

God, please give me the grace, favour, and wisdom to weather this season through.

Whole30 Journey: I think I might be at the "I need a nap" phase

Day 4
(though it could actually be Day 15 if I didn't have to restart so many times)

How I'm feeling:
A little tired

Breakfast:

Grilled chicken, avocado and cherry tomatoes in roasted seaweed

Peppermint, Nettle & Gingko Tea

Lunch: 

(yay, I got hungry! At about 12ish)

Some almonds and mulberries 

A handful of pistachios

Same as breakfast except in a smaller portion, with some salmon on the side, and topped with shredded seaweed.

I didn't enjoy my lunch at all because I was so stressed by work. :(

Snack 

(about 430pm)

About 20 grapes

I actually think  I might have been stress eating. :(

Dinner

I'm not sure if I'm going to have any today. I honestly would just like to read and get to bed early today.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I woke up at 7ish again today. Hurrah!

I've begun to prioritize sleep over a lot of things. Sleep is for healing. Healing is good.

Tbh, the chicken was leftovers from last night's dinner. I'm not sure if the chicken had honey or sugar on it, but it had a weird sweetness on it. But for today I'm not going to question it. I doubt it was sugar. I just don't want to have to restart this again! 

I'm surprised I'm actually eating avocado. I used to avoid them like the plague because of the fats I know they contain. I really can't believe I'm actually eating them now...but I guess I've learned to appreciate them. Perhaps they exist to teach me that fats really make one full! It's a wonder though how we can eat so many fries, crisps, and KFC. I wonder if one can get jelat on avocado.

I've also begun to drink more water. I think I'm slowly introducing disciplines of my ideal life back into my current life. Disciplines like drinking water, journaling, trying to leave work on time, having walks at night... These are habits that make me happy.

I was somehow really peckish today. I think it was the stress.

Even though I have two bars which have cocoa in them, and I even have a can of unsweetened cocoa now, I've somehow developed a dislike toward the thought of eating them. I really haven't been in a chocolate mood at all. Maybe this is how I really feel about chocolate. I'm not sure if this should be a bad day.

Quite a few people have told me that I've lost quite a bit of weight. I'm not going to step on a scale anytime soon - as per the "rule book". But I do look forward to the day I can wear my jeans again. :)

I am convinced that losing weight is pretty simple - eat protein, sleep early (like, 10 or 11pm), drink lots of water, and get exercise. That's about it.

I'm looking forward to getting to a supermarket tonight.

I know it's only been a few days, but I am tired of tuna and eggs.

I'm going to get me some bacon, bamboo shoots, mushrooms, and whatever cool things I can find tonight. Maybe that'll be better.

Whole30 Journey: More shopping and home-cooked tuna cakes :)

Yay! Tuna Cake success!
Recipe Below.

How I'm feeling:

Peaceful

Sunday

Breakfast: 

Tuna Cakes with half an avocado and some tomato

Lunch: 

Lemongrass tea

Snack: 

A small apple and some cashews

Dinner:

Leftover breakfast :)

Monday

Breakfast: 

Tuna Cake Sushi - Tuna with Alfalfa and Cherry Tomatoes rolled in roasted seaweed

Some pineapple slices

Lunch: 

Green Tea

Dinner:

Carrot Cake LaraBar (so delish!)

Tuna seaweed roll with cherry tomatoes (I ran out of alfalfa >_<)

I have to say I had a really good weekend. One solid "me-time" weekend (even though I popped into office for just a little bit on Saturday). I haven't had a solid weekend to myself in a really long time. Perhaps it's this awareness that I have to take care of my health that I've started realizing the importance of taking care of other areas of my life too. Work has somehow now taken a secondary place in my life. Stuff needs to get done, yes, but health needs to come first.

The discipline that has come with doing the Whole 30 has helped me tremendously in this I suppose. I've become more aware of the things I eat and of getting some exercise into my daily routine...even though it's mainly been just walking.

I pretty much spent most of my Saturday with my father (which I really appreciated because I haven't spent time with him in a REALLY long time). We just went out and I tried to teach him about nutrition along the way. He's really been struggling with this new daily routine of having to take heart and diabetic pills after his heart attack. It pretty much demands a lifestyle change that's totally unfamiliar to him. He has never really had to take pills in his life. I suppose it doesn't help either that his favourite foods are amongst the likes of chicken rice, char kway teow, and prata (standard delicious Singaporean fare).

So I've finished the Whole30 book (though I think the first book - "It Starts with Food" - was a much more useful "left-brain" kinda book for me) and I've left it with my mother in hopes that her understanding of nutrition will also help influence the foods we choose to put in our house. I'm hoping it will educate her a little so she will stop eating really unhealthy things like Fish & Chips and letting my dad gobble up her leftovers. I really worry for his health a lot. I love my dad and would like him to live a long time. <3

Sunday was an awesome day of spending time with girlfriends and supermarket shopping at Parkway Parade!

I think since the Whole30, I've been obsessed with supermarkets and what my food options are. I didn't get to pick up the canned mushrooms and bamboo shoots because they were too heavy for me to lug around, but I got a whole ton of other stuff. I can't wait to get my hands on some bamboo shoots though! I miss eating crunchy non-nuts things. :)

Here's some pics from my Sunday shopping trip and my haul!

I got them from Cold Storage, Fish Mart Sakuraya, and this awesome store called Four Seasons Organic Market. They're all at the basement of Parkway Parade in Katong. :) I was a happy girl.

Here's Four Seasons Organic Market.
I was happy with all the options!
It was like a little paradise for me... but you still gotta read your labels here.

I wasn't sure if I could eat this, but I took a picture anyway just for reference. 

This place has the largest variety of LaraBars that I have seen in Singapore so far. :)
Hurrah! Gold mine!

They had other brand options too but it seemed only "The Primal Pantry" ones that were Whole30 compliant.

I've been wanting seaweed so I bought some to make some non-grain sushi. :)
Only the Roasted ones were compliant. All the 'Seasoned Seaweed"s had sugar and soy in them.
I did see one seasoned seaweed in the Korean market that was made with only Sesame Oil,
but that's grey area I don't want to play in.

Here's my final haul for the day (other than the seaweed).
The bars and the coconut slices were from Four Seasons, the cocoa was from Cold Storage.

These were from Cold Storage! Don't they sound delicious? Not to mention they were on clearance...
but it turns out that sprouted flaxseed is not really Whole30 so I had to give it away. :(

STUFF I COOKED/ATE

This was the making of my Tuna Cakes.
In there I have:

1 can of tuna chunks in olive oil (drained)
5 cloves of garlic (finely diced)
1 medium onion (diced)
1 large stalk of celery (diced)
About half a cup of coconut flour
Paprika
Garlic Powder
Cracked Black Pepper
2 eggs

It tasted...mainly of coconut at first, but the garlic powder (not salt!) and the paprika evened it out.
I need to have a less pungent binder. Maybe I'll try with less coconut flour and more egg next time.

This was what my plate looked like. It was SO filling.
I actually was full at that first cake and some avocado later.

This was what I totally couldn't eat anymore.
I think I definitely should have stopped earlier.
Interestingly, I thought the hot sauce spoiled the natural flavours so I didn't quite touch it in the end.

This was breakfast this morning.
I LOVE seaweed and I thought to make things more interesting today.

I definitely miss sushi, but this will have to do. And it was pretty good actually.
I think it'd have tasted better with some avocado...or cheese. I miss cheese. >_<

This was my delicious Carrot Cake LaraBar.
I love it that I can actually see bits of carrot in it. :)

PHYSICAL WINS

I've been waking up at about 7ish am in the morning that hasn't happened for a long time. I believe the quality of my sleep has also improved. I slept in for an hour more this morning though... but I think it was more of a Monday-morning thing. Also cause I could. :)

Another interesting (and hopefully not TMI) thing that I've noticed is that it seems my toilet-time regularity has improved. It looks like my body now knows to empty itself of waste first thing in the morning. I used to be constipated for a couple of days and probably averaged number 2s something like 3 times a week? So I suppose it's quite nice to have a daily "emptying" in the morning for the past few days. It's a nice start to the day.

The first week of me embarking on the Whole 30 saw me having some weird tummy troubles, but I wasn't sure if it was because of my flu. But anyway, I'm glad that that has kinda cleared up.

WEIRD THINGS

A friend I met yesterday said I was looking "pale". I didn't think that it was too much of a compliment. I thought I was supposed to have rosy cheeks or something with the clean eating. Maybe it's just a process. :)

I've gotten two bumps on my back. I don't think they are "back pimples" but I really hope not. I haven't ever gotten things like that in my life. In fact I've probably only ever gotten like 2 pimples in my life, so this is really weird for me. Please go away soon!

CHALLENGES

I know I'm supposed to be eating three square meals a day, but I realized that that part of discipline has been really hard for me - especially at work. Thing is, I usually have breakfast around 10am and somehow this new "protein-loading" in the morning keeps me full for a really long time...and when it hits something like 4 or 5pm, it's pretty much almost dinner time so I usually just have a snack (which I know is not supposed to be allowed) or weather it out till dinner. I'm going to perhaps try to plan to eat a smaller breakfast and see how that works out. I gotta try to get my body in a rhythm. I'm just so used to a eat-"focus on work that I don't notice I'm starving"-snack cycle.

And just to be more objective, here's a category I thought would be important to add so I can check in on that progress:

STUFF I HOPE CLEARS UP BY THE END OF THIS MONTH

- Hypothyroid stuff (blood tests out in 3 days!)

- Other stuff related to autoimmune problems: scalp issues, dropping hair (stop please!), dry skin, this irritating patch on my leg, this huge random weight gain, lethargy (which seems to now be clearing up). Please go away!

To be honest, I believe it may take me closer to 3 months to really "heal up". But I whatever it is, I'm just looking forward to better health.

And cheese at the end of this.

I miss cheese.

Please body, don't be allergic to cheese.

Whole30 Journey: Supermarket shopping and happy thoughts

Breakfast today was SO good... and also really filling.
This lasted me a solid 8 hours before I started feeling peckish.

How I'm feeling: 
Happy

Sleep:
Surprisingly couldn't really get to sleep last night. I think it was because I was really anxious about work.
Either that or it could also have been that I ate some foods that probably contained some sugar and random non-Whole30 stuff (I just didn't have the heart to tell them I strictly couldn't eat certain foods). But I don't know whether it was physical responses or guilt that kept me up.

What I ate today:
Breakfast: A tomato omelette (2 eggs) topped with alfalfa, and an avocado on the side... and a little bit of DELICIOUS Frank's hot sauce.
Dinner: A small gala apple and a handful of cashews with green tea
Post-dinner: A lovely cup of tea

Today was a great day. I made it a point not to go to work in the morning and just focus on feeding myself right in the morning. I think the blood test I had to take this past week and the on-coming results next week has put me on my toes about what I'm feeding myself with.

I unfortunately just couldn't bring myself to make a stand at my dinner last night and had a little nibble of random things on the table - including sambal kangkong (ergh, shrimp), assam fish head curry (oh, it was good stuff. Though I mainly took a slice of tomato, an ocra, and some fish), beef rendang, 3 pieces of belinjau and some longtong (sigh, vegetable oil). I did have a coconut though so I had an excuse to miss dessert... and also to keep me full and happy. I have this thing about coconuts nowadays. :)

But yes, today I'm back on track. Breakfast was so wonderful that it kept me full for something like 8 hours till I finally started feel some hunger pangs and decided to have an apple and some nuts. :)

But because of the dinner last night - with all its "unknowns", I prolly have to restart. I'm restarting the Whole30 so many times, it's not funny anymore. Although I have to also say that it's pretty much come to a point that it doesn't really matter so much anymore because I'm not restarting it because of big "I NEEDED THAT MUFFIN" reasons, but more for controlled "oh, I can't really avoid that at this occasion" and "oops, I forgot that had that ingredient" reasons. And usually, I'd have only consumed very little traces of the seemingly offensive non-Whole30 ingredients. However, I'm pretty glad at how determined I am about this whole diet overhaul and I'm excited to see if these short two weeks might have made any improvement to my hypothyroid issues next week.

Right now, I'm just focusing on getting the right things in my body and just checking in on how I'm feeling physically as I change my diet. (Interestingly, I had a few days of really dry and cracked lips last week. I don't know what that was about.) Hopefully this time I'll be able to pull through 30 consecutive days. (It's surprisingly difficult if I'm going to be this strict with myself). In the meantime, I've been having a good time visiting supermarkets and trying to stock my pantry with happy Whole30 stuff..I'm just enjoying the process now. Though I have to say, shopping Whole30 can be really quite pricey. Or perhaps it has been my choices of items to stock up. These are two receipts and some pictures from my shopping escapades.

As you can see, I've been trying to head to the more "atas" supermarkets in hopes that I might find more options.

That hot sauce is awesome! Totally recommended. It's not really "hot-hot" (Singaporeans can take a lot more heat), but it works.
It's just something about the peppers and the vinegar and the salt... so good. :)
The coconut flour is a hopeful purchase that I might be able to make some delicious salmon cakes one of these days.

Saw this tea and couldn't resist. Doesn't it sound delish?!
The Larabar was a "let's try it since I'm reading so much about it" buy.
I'll prolly have it when I really need a pick-me-up. Maybe around Day 20 or something.

These are the Whole30 approved Larabars (as taken from lifehealthhq for anyone who'd like some reference).
That coconut cream pie and chocolate coconut chew sounds so good!
Sounds like Haupia. <3 I have to find them!

And here was my "biggest temptation" during supermarket shopping:

From the ingredients, they are technically fully Whole30 compliant...
except for the rule of "no cheating"... and when I put it in my basket, it felt like cheating, so I knew I had to take it out. :(

It has been an interesting process so far. A friend from Australia is in town and she made a comment that I'm looking exceptionally beautiful these days... and I didn't know what to think and basically shared with her that it might be because I've been eating clean for a few weeks. And perhaps so.

I'm going to keep a log of the things I eat these couple of days and see how things turn out.

My mood has improved though, and I'm not sleeping or feeling lethargic as much. :)
I think my focus is slowly getting back in check... maybe it's this "being in control" "disciplined" thing that helps.
Next week I'm going to start on some yoga and try to get exercise back into my routines.
I'm enjoying this process.

Whole30 Journey: Day Two

Feeling: Hungry

What I ate
Breakfast: Warm water, pineapple slices, some cashews
Lunch: Green tea, pineapple slices, some almonds
Dinner: Hopefully something more substantial. I NEED PROTEIN!

Went supermarket shopping again this morning for breakfast and it was pretty tough. I think I've somehow have it locked in my brain that I can only take fruits and nuts (which I'm actually pretty sick of), and that my protein has to be cooked at home (of which I am also sick of eggs).

I dropped by a Cold Storage in Paya Lebar this time and all I had in my basket at the end of my shopping trip was two punnets of blueberries, some pre-sliced honey pineapple slices, a box of green tea (without brown rice bits. I double checked), and four cans of tuna. (I am surprised though how much more rubbish is put into the "flaked tuna" cans. Chunks it is)

I was a little disappointed that I can't seem to find my plantain chips though. I'm starting to wonder if I should make my own, but I honestly don't have the time to cook on weekdays. :( I eventually had some pineapple and cashews for breakfast, and the rest of the pineapple with some almonds for lunch, with a glass of green tea. It doesn't sound very filling - and it wasn't. But I unfortunately don't think it's quite appropriate to make like a cat and eat canned tuna at work. I shall try to whip something up at home tomorrow morning with the avocados that have finally ripened.

Tonight's going to be a challenge as I have a dinner appointment. I have given up on trying to avoid canola oil and vegetable oil whilst eating out (it's totally impossible unless I force all my colleagues and business partners to eat at salad stops/whole30 bars which are not available in Singapore), but how do I explain sugar, soy and grain...

These are the recommended items for tonight's dinner at Tambuah Mas and the issues I'm going to have with them (other than vegetable oil in all of them):
- Tahu Telor (fried beancurd and eggs): soy, sugar, may have flour
- Rendang Lembu (beef rendang): sugar, may have flour
- Ikan Pedas (grilled seabass in banana leaves): sugar, may have soy sauce, usually too spicy to eat alone and has to be eaten with rice
- Sop Buntut (spicy ox-tail soup): may have MSG, may have soy sauce, I'm not sure about sugar
- Udang Belado (fried succulent prawns in chilli gravy): I'm allergic to prawns, definitely will have sugar
- Gado Gado (mixed vegetables with tofu, crackers and spicy peanut dressing): LOVE this dish, but tofu = soy, crackers = grain. Sigh.
- Sayur Lodeh (cabbage, long beans and beancurd in spicy coconut milk): Soy, usually has some sugar too, usually served with rice... grain.

Argh, how is this going to work out?
I definitely need some protein tonight. It's only 4pm and I'm hungry.
I technically have a right to be hungry though. After all, all my poor body has had all day has been green tea, pineapples, and a some nuts. Poor body.

On the bright side, there's a pretty decent supermarket there.
Maybe I'll be able to get some decent (non vegetable oil fried) plantain chips. I am craving crispy. :)


On other notes: 
It's "strictly" Day 2 because of all the slip ups I've had, but I technically started on this last Monday... so it "could have been" Day 12 today. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of the discipline I have been able to exercise though. It's been a long time since I've felt SO in control of my choices. And it's nice to have a solid reason to be able to just walk away from things that are just not good for my body.

I also took my latest blood test yesterday at the clinic to check my levels of hypothyroid stuffies. Hopefully, if the Whole30 is working out for me, my numbers will look a lot better next week when the results come out. I'm looking forward to it! (I just hope that I'm not one of those who actually needs to cut out eggs and nightshades from my diet for real results. I don't think I could live without tomatoes forever.)

Whole30 Reset: Back to Day One

I took the Sunday off and spent the day doing things I loved the most - I walked to the library, read, borrowed the two Whole 30 books, and went supermarket shopping.

So it turns out my last week was a "half-baked" Whole30. I really should have read the book first to be certain whether I was following it correctly (So if you're planning to start the Whole 30, I'd encourage you to first read "It Starts with Food" to understand the science and what it's really about, then to go on to the other book). I think I've gathered enough from the first book to know I'm pretty much on the right track now, so I'm not going to cheat, today I'm back to Day One.

I'm back to Day One because I had legumes on the first day last week, I had saba covered with soy sauce twice, as well as ate out - which probably meant that I had consumed canola/vegetable oil as well as sugars somewhere in there. But it's okay, I'd rather know that I REALLY completed the Whole30 to a T than have a half-baked experience.

I shopped at Cold Storage thinking that they'd give me more options, but it was pretty tough. With the Whole30, the entire bread, cakes, pastries and cookies section is out. Dairy is out. Most frozen things are out. So are the alcohol and beverages as well as the cereals and snacks aisles... suddenly one realizes that your only options in a supermarket are in - 1) the fresh fruits and vegetables section, 2) the nuts and herbs section, 3) eggs, 4) SOME meats - actually the Cold Storage that I was at didn't have any grass-fed options, and 5) some canned vegetables, fruits, or fish. I don't know what else was available... but they didn't have my plantain chips. :( So yeah, life gets.... simpler.

It's been quite an interesting experience so far... though I'm pretty early in the journey so my creativity is likely to be limited.
This was my sad dinner last night:

I mainly felt...like a cat.

I ate about half a can of this. It basically was tuna chunks in spring water, with some cracked black pepper, paprika, and nori (roasted seaweed). I had some almonds with this... and I can only say that almonds don't seem to go very well with canned tuna. I think I shall fry up the tuna next time...perhaps with some onions. :)

I have to say that though that I slept really well last night at 1130 (which was a surprise because I have been having bouts of insomnia), and I surprisingly woke up at 4am. That has not happened for a VERY long time. I went back to some reading, and fell asleep again till 9am. I'm not sure if that was fortunate or not that I had a second round of sleep, but I shall be thankful anyway.

I think it was the time at the library that really helped me destress. It was amazing how much lighter (in terms of stress and anxiousness) I felt just being in a corner of the library and reading. I think I even had a 5 minute nap in between my reading. I love libraries. It's like being in the company of many brilliant minds and people with extraordinary lives... and picking up a book is like having the privilege of a one-on-one with them as they share their experiences and wisdom.

Breakfast this morning was a bit more eventful than last night's dinner. I had my househelper help me make it as I washed up (as I was in a rush!). :) I chose a base of olive oil to fry two eggs with the remainder of the tuna last night, some black pepper, and paprika. I think topped it all off with some lovely alfafa sprouts and nori. :)

It felt like happy food.

I didn't really get a chance to sit down at a table to have breakfast. I had it in the car on the way to work, but I did try to ensure to enjoy it as much as possible in that moment. A handful of cashews later, I was happy. :) I didn't finish all of it though and polished the rest of it off for lunch, along with some cherry tomatoes I keep in my office pantry and a handful of almonds... and a few dried mulberries just for a little sweetness. :)

I do need to plan for dinner though...
Maybe I'll just have a nice little pear and some cashews. :)

So far the day has been going well. I'm happy, I'm rested.
I do forsee that I might get sick of eggs somewhere in this journey, but I feel like I might have the discipline to pull through. :)
Not being able to eat out is going to be tricky, but hopefully, with enough planning, I'll make it through.

Whole 30 Day 5?

Okay, it might be Day 4 considering that I totally forgot Edamame was a legume on the first day, but hey... I was doing pretty well otherwise.

But today, I AM HUNGRY.
I want a potato chip.

After my alcohol poisoning scare last Saturday morning that left me with a fever and in bed for almost 24 hour stretches, something just snapped in me to want to just do something for my health. This actually started with me losing my appetite over the post-alcohol poisoning lung infection/flu where I literally lay in bed and didn't want to eat or drink anything...but I missed my vegetables, so I started with that. Somehow the rice and porridge just turned me off, and even the thought of it now still does... I had loads of time to think about how crappy my health has been, so I decided that I should perhaps do something about my health. So I decided that I should try the Whole 30.

So far things have been going alright... also considering that I haven't had much of an appetite due to this flu that has changed me into this green mucous-spewing being (of which I have to say the reason why your mucous sometimes comes out green when you are unwell is really pretty cool). I've mainly become somewhat of a Prescetarian/Fruitarian. I've mainly been eating fruits for the past few days... a small gala apple for dinner, berries for breakfast... it almost feels like I'm back to "food?meh~" jaw surgery days.

Tbh, even though it's only been 4 days, I miss having a croissant or potato chips option.
I think the no-grains part is the worst for me though. It's not really new news, but I LOVE BREAD.
And cheese.
But bread more than cheese.
And pastry more than bread.

Why does everything have flour in it?!
Like seriously, I had to give up this amazing looking tempura the other day (which was like, just in this past week)... :((

I am thankful for how disciplined I have been though. I do believe a lot of it is about the lack of appetite and the sickies.

Okay, I need to get out and go grocery shopping. I need to get a whole load of nuts and plantain chips or something.
On other notes, mulberries are an amazing snack if you're craving for some sugar.

Getting the house in order

What a day it has been... more so like what a two days it has been.

Thank God for public holidays. Really.
I cannot imagine what I would do without them... they are so important for rest.

I've come to the realization that you will know when you're overworked/working way too hard when you look forward to "forced" holidays, so that you can sleep (instead of looking forward to festivities). But tis' the situation we are in right now - that my family just has to work extra hard, and hopefully I'll be able to celebrate my birthday in October with much peace and anticipation.

In the meantime, we just need to pull through this season!

I basically spent the whole of Good Friday at home doing 3 main things - eating, sleeping, and working.... and today was pretty much the same, except that I also accomplished my springcleaning task this week.

As so:

Finally cleared the landing which was chucked with
all sorts of random junk from the other family members.
I'm not quite finished but I'll get to the rest of it when it's time to tackle the "Books" category with mum
(because most of them are hers).
It was the bane of my mornings.

Running a family business is interesting in the sense that sometimes, or rather, in the early parts of the life cycle of the family business, the professional and personal parts of family get so intertwined that goodness knows what paperwork has gone where. And now I'm on a mission to stop it.

Tomorrow I will tackle an office declutter project - and I'm tackling the main office. And then send a motherlode of stuff to the Salvation Army! I can't wait!

I will get this house in order!

Finding myself.

So... I spent most of the layover sleeping because I could barely get any with all the sounds of snoring, toilet flushing and knocking me (that is the last time I ever take that aisle seat at the back EVER again. EVER EVER NEVER again. I am totally a window seat leave-me-alone person).

Aaand, other than about an hour of Big Bang Theory, I spent most of my first day back in Singapore sleeping too. I'm not sure if it's jet lag or my new inefficient, unproductive, escapism strategy that's not going to help anyone or make a difference to the world in anyway. Aren't I the most positive person? :) And now at 12:30am Monday morning, I'm struggling to not sleep, because I don't want to wake up in the morning. Part of me is having some sort of anxiety attack of getting back to work and "real-life" I REALLY don't want to have to drive to the office. I don't want to have to meet my father for a management meeting in the morning. And I don't want to meet with the department heads for an update on what has happened these past two weeks and to make these big decisions on "Strategy 2016" and approve budgets and stuff like that.

I just don't want to.
And I don't understand it.

Thus the reason for my random writing at the wee hours in the morning... trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's tripping me up. The first book I picked up this morning when I awoke was Strengthsfinder....and with what apparently are my top five strengths (1. Ideation, 2. Strategic, 3. Futuristic, 4. Competition, 5. Activator) it seems like I should be perfectly suited to do what I do. And yet I'm stuck... and I don't believe I can do it.

During my stay in London, I reread "Tuesdays with Morrie", one of my favourite books of all time..and many of his questions challenged me, as they always do when I take a peek in. This probably set the tone for a lot of introspection on the trip... during meals I would ask others questions like "What choice of basking would you do if you were a basker?" and "If you had no limits to time, money, or risk of any form, what would you do with your life? What would your dream career be?" It was always interesting to hear what others had to say... but I found it even more so that I often didn't have an answer of my own. I often spend more time listening and trying to guess what the answers of others would be, whilst having much less self-awareness or vision as I encourage others to have.

I suppose it may help going back to basics.

I remember a time when I was studying Early Childhood Education (yes, believe or not, I actually have a diploma in that with a Certificate of Merit), the basic developmental needs of a child was broken up into 5 main categories with the acronym SPICES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Cognitive, Emotional, and Spiritual. I wonder how I fare on each of those categories... but a quick self-assessment feels like I'm not doing too well all round. Maybe that's probably why.

As I asked myself the hard questions... part of me felt like I needed to retrace my steps of human existence. I feel like I need to do some sort of archive of my life - year by year, photographs, notes, pictures...any type of historical artefact of my existence  - starting from the day I was born, to really understand why I'm having this sudden existential crisis at this point.

Okay, it's 2am. I really have to continue this conversation with myself a little later this week.

Remembering to be grateful

So after 8 years, here I am back in London, England, pondering about what to do with my life. It's a little strange to think about it - after all, I am supposed to be at an age where I should be pretty much settled into life and building on it.

At a nice old-ish age of 32, I suppose part of me feels a little...under-accomplished. After all, I have peers who are pretty much popping their second or third child and are in a totally different phase from where I'm at (I mean, not that I'm too enthralled by the tremendous amount of time and thought they spend into talk about things like breast pumps). On the other hand though, their transition into this phase of motherhood and wifeivities (if that's a word) is also quite captivating in how selfless their new roles can be... and thinking about it makes me feel a little juvenile, or even selfish, about where I'm at. But I suppose all humans have their stories to tell and rates of "growth" perhaps? I wonder how God chooses for some 32 year olds to be married, some to have children, some to be divorced, some to have crazy adventures in life, some to have boring day jobs (and happily contented with them), and some to be sitting in an apartment in the middle of the night in Central London thinking about what the hell to do with their lives by writing on their blogs.

Interesting fact of the day: There actually is a website devoted to people in such situations which is hilariously at www.wtfshouldidowithmylife.com. Yes, I stumbled upon it as a tried to summon the powers of the internet to tell me what to do with my life. Yes, it's pathetic. No, you don't have to chide me about it - I've already done that in depth to myself in the past few hours. I am quite self-managing like that.

But yes, back to feeling under-accomplished.
Aaaand...now we're stress eating clementines and salted popcorn from Tesco's.
Oh life, why are you so hard to deal with?
*cue sad depressing music which is irritating me just thinking about it*

I think part of the problem with me is possibly my bouts of forgetting to be grateful.
Looking back at just the past two weeks, I actually have SO much to be grateful for.

For one, I just got back from a week-long trip to Finland yesterday. It was pretty much a "mission" holiday as I was helping with my cousin's surprise proposal to his now-fiancee (success!). Still, beyond the mission, it was a pretty amazing time. I skiied for the first time (crashed so many times, but still loved it). I drove a Husky sled on a 3km route in the snow (and I now have a cute Husky mushing license to prove it). I went polar bear diving (is that what it's called?) in an ice hole in sub-zero temps. Bonus that I am still alive after all that crazy stuff I did. Who knew that I'd get to spend both Christmas and the New Years of 2015 in Finland? And now, I'm back in London for a week.

I should be grateful.

I should be grateful that I still have my dad. I think I would have died if I lost him to the heart attack. My father is very precious to me.
I should be grateful for my family. There are so many people without, or with troubled ones... and it really puts a strain on managing life.
I should be grateful that I even can be in this position where I am stressed over not knowing what I want to do with my life - as it comes with the luxury of having choices.

Looking back over Facebook and Instagram in the past year surprised me quite a bit. For one, all the travelling that happened - including Malaysia, Hawaii, Chicago, New York, China, and now Finland and England. How did all that happen in 2015? And with all that travelling came with it reunions, conversations, experiences, and memories.

I should be grateful.

It doesn't belittle the question of what I should do with my life. But, if anything, I suppose it helps me have some perspective into being a little more patient as I tackle the question. Hopefully, by the end of my stay here, I'd have some perspective in what I should do... and how I should get there.

In the meantime, I shall strive to enjoy the English tea and cookies in what little time I have left here.

Minimalism & Liberation

It's been a while since I've written...guess life happened.
But I'm back to writing.

The jaw is doing fine I suppose. About a month ago, I visited Surgeonman and had some x-rays done. Seemed that my left jaw bone healed up alright, but the right one was still a little unstable. My right cheek is still really tight, but I think part of me is getting used to it...which may not be a good thing in the long run. Wearing my retainers initiates a little bit of a gag-reflex sometimes, but I think it's just a matter of getting acquainted with them... and that's pretty much all the updates I have about the post-jaw surgery progress so far. I honestly can't believe it's been almost a year since the surgery.

Something clicked in me these past months though and I've been on a mission for a full life-makeover. I've started with decluttering my belongings - of which I've thrown out a massive amount of things including (but not limited to) books, clothing, memorabilia, soft toys, and old notes. I've been doing them in parts as a lot of the process can be a lot more emotionally draining than that of physical strain... not to mention there's only so much dust I can take in a day.  I've shredded SO much paper... I don't even know how I accumulated SO much paperwork.

These past two weekends, I've been doing a digital declutter. And tonight I FINALLY got one of my email boxes in order with only ONE email floating in my Inbox (of which I will be taking action on later today so that I can delete it forever). I don't know how to express it, but there's this amazing calm and joy that comes with unsubscribing from something like 20 sources, and deleting 15,423 emails. :)

I do have another mailbox with another 3000 mails to deal with, but I'm on a mission and will get there one step at a time.

I've joined the minimalism movement and have found it increasingly liberating.

I've just come to a point where I just want to...Zen-out. If that makes any sense. Part of me is just sick and tired of being under this huge load of things to do. Life is just not meant to be spent crawling around with so much weight!

I have a plan and that plan is to live.
To live a happy, fulfilling, and gracious life.

I'm headed to a friend's wedding Hawaii in a month, and then I'm off to the States for a week or so to breathe in the summer and just...plan life. I'm quite done with living a pre-planned life to fulfill the expectations of others. It's going to be a process, but I will get there. #liberation

Day 247: Gosh! 8 months!

Days since op: 247. 0_o"
Pain Level: 0 Nothing much. Sometimes the braces get caught in my cheek, but that's about it.

Swelling: I'm definitely still swollen on one cheek because of how the bone fits now. Maybe it'd get better when the braces are off.

Sleep last night: I need discipline! And I need to love my bed and sleep more!
Other weirdness: Still numb in my left lower lip and chin. Great. I wonder if it'd ever go away. I also still can't chew properly! Grrr.

Mood: It's Sunday! I'm going to buy a labeller and label everything I can get my hands on!

So this coming week is possibly my last (or second last visit) to Orthoman's and I'm a little nervous because my braces might be coming off too. I have been waiting for this for a while... but have recently been a little OCD about my profile and how my chin looks now. I'm guessing that this is just part of the process - where you know you're coming to the end of the journey (well, almost), and you just start freaking out a bit - kinda like a runner's wall. I know I did this surgery purely out of functional reasons, but I've been recently concerned about how it has affected the aesthetics... which apparently has been in a good way. But I guess I'm still human and have been freaking out about my profile and whether we made a mistake not having done the genio at the surgery.

I wasn't sure how quite to deal with the questions in my head so I decided to post some pics on the Jaw Surgery FB group (which has been amazing throughout this season of my life), to get some "professional" feedback (simply because a lot of people in the group have or have been freaked out about such stuff and many of them are very well read in this field of JS. It's a safe place and HIGHLY recommended for anyone thinking of, or are about to, or have had, jaw surgery.

Do I look like I need the genio done to even out my face?

I got some comments saying that I should consider it, and most saying that I look fine. Somehow I just can't help but wonder if I now look like I have a slight overbite (instead of my previous underbite). I think I'll just wait for the braces to come off, and the right swell to go down a bit before I decide.

This past few weeks have mainly been about celebrating CNY and all the other crazies that happen in this season. I've hardly been getting sleep and have had a lot of my mind. I'm thinking of taking a trip down to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for a conference this coming weekend to try to clear my mind a little. Let's call it a "thinking trip". I think it'd help some.

Setting the pace for 2015

Days since op: 220! Gosh, time really flies!
Pain Level: 1.  My chin hurts when I rub it. I think things are still not quite fused up.   

Swelling: I like to believe I'm still swollen.

Sleep last night: Okay, I've been trying to "get a life" nowadays so I do stay out late and sleep late...but now it's more for social reasons than due to discomfort from the surgery.
Other weirdness: Right cheek feels permanently tight. Surgeonman says it's due to some bone thing and that if I wanted to get rid of it, I might need to go back to surgery to shave some of the bone off. :( 

Mood: Lazy Sunday. It's a nice feeling to be able to laze a day away.

It's interesting how time works...that as one walks through life, you make decisions at certain junctures to build on the plot of one's life. Right now, my life has been about work, my pets, getting back to German, as well as fencing. Yes! I'm back to fencing! And here's proof!

It is such a joy to have a blade again. 
Feels like I got a part of me back! :)

It wasn't easy getting back on the piste. This past Wednesday was the first time I was back to fencing others (after a long 8 year break) and gosh did I get trashed. I did score a few points... but pretty much lost every bout - including to a left hander who decided to fence me with his right hand. Thanks.

Warrior has grown so much now. This was a picture of him just a few weeks ago. 

Isn't he the sweetest little thing? :)

And this is a more recent picture of him...except with a little surprise!

Warrior has siblings!

It was just two weeks ago that when I was checking Mummyrabbit whether her milk was sufficient for Warrior that I realized something weird was going on in her tummy. There was something more than just milk in there which left me puzzled because we had seperated Daddyrabbit from her since the delivery of Warrior. Then it clicked! The day Warrior was born, we thought we had lost the whole litter and decided to leave Mummyrabbit with Daddyrabbit... you know, for emotional support. And yeah, this was apparently what happened in those 5 minutes. On the day she gave birth! (That bastard! Haha) But yes, there is so much truth to the term "breeding like rabbits". Initially, I had thought she only had two because they felt so small in her, but when the time came, five little kits appeared.... bringing the total number of rabbits I now own to NINE (the parents, Marshmallow, Warrior, and five new little kits). 

I thought I had a handful with four at first, but now with nine I totally know what it feels like to be a working mother. :D

Mummyrabbit with her five new little kits.

This was them at a few days old. They looked like little pigs.
They were much smaller than when I remembered how Warrior was.

My five little loves. 
All getting white with fur.
The one with a little cut on his nose is Explorer.
I'm not sure how he got that cut, but it might have been from an accident with Mummyrabbit, Warrior, or from a one time I almost lost him when he crawled out and under the cage. I still don't know how that happened, but thank God I went to check on them and found him or he may not have survived!

But yep, life seems to be on to a rolling start this year. I'm back to fencing, checking in to Duolingo everyday for my German, Pilates on Saturdays.... somehow life seems to be getting back on track. There's a quote that I have on my bathroom wall that says "It does not matter how many times you fall. What matters is that you get back up." Take as much time as you need, but get back up. :)

The process is irritating though, and sometimes I get really impatient with my progress. Be it with my fitness (or current lack of), with work, with heart issues, with healing from the jaw surgery (go away numbness!), but some things just take time.

This week, I'm going to try to get my electronic life, financials, and paperwork in order.

To a wonderful 2015!