Whole30 Journey: Supermarket shopping and happy thoughts

Breakfast today was SO good... and also really filling.
This lasted me a solid 8 hours before I started feeling peckish.

How I'm feeling: 
Happy

Sleep:
Surprisingly couldn't really get to sleep last night. I think it was because I was really anxious about work.
Either that or it could also have been that I ate some foods that probably contained some sugar and random non-Whole30 stuff (I just didn't have the heart to tell them I strictly couldn't eat certain foods). But I don't know whether it was physical responses or guilt that kept me up.

What I ate today:
Breakfast: A tomato omelette (2 eggs) topped with alfalfa, and an avocado on the side... and a little bit of DELICIOUS Frank's hot sauce.
Dinner: A small gala apple and a handful of cashews with green tea
Post-dinner: A lovely cup of tea

Today was a great day. I made it a point not to go to work in the morning and just focus on feeding myself right in the morning. I think the blood test I had to take this past week and the on-coming results next week has put me on my toes about what I'm feeding myself with.

I unfortunately just couldn't bring myself to make a stand at my dinner last night and had a little nibble of random things on the table - including sambal kangkong (ergh, shrimp), assam fish head curry (oh, it was good stuff. Though I mainly took a slice of tomato, an ocra, and some fish), beef rendang, 3 pieces of belinjau and some longtong (sigh, vegetable oil). I did have a coconut though so I had an excuse to miss dessert... and also to keep me full and happy. I have this thing about coconuts nowadays. :)

But yes, today I'm back on track. Breakfast was so wonderful that it kept me full for something like 8 hours till I finally started feel some hunger pangs and decided to have an apple and some nuts. :)

But because of the dinner last night - with all its "unknowns", I prolly have to restart. I'm restarting the Whole30 so many times, it's not funny anymore. Although I have to also say that it's pretty much come to a point that it doesn't really matter so much anymore because I'm not restarting it because of big "I NEEDED THAT MUFFIN" reasons, but more for controlled "oh, I can't really avoid that at this occasion" and "oops, I forgot that had that ingredient" reasons. And usually, I'd have only consumed very little traces of the seemingly offensive non-Whole30 ingredients. However, I'm pretty glad at how determined I am about this whole diet overhaul and I'm excited to see if these short two weeks might have made any improvement to my hypothyroid issues next week.

Right now, I'm just focusing on getting the right things in my body and just checking in on how I'm feeling physically as I change my diet. (Interestingly, I had a few days of really dry and cracked lips last week. I don't know what that was about.) Hopefully this time I'll be able to pull through 30 consecutive days. (It's surprisingly difficult if I'm going to be this strict with myself). In the meantime, I've been having a good time visiting supermarkets and trying to stock my pantry with happy Whole30 stuff..I'm just enjoying the process now. Though I have to say, shopping Whole30 can be really quite pricey. Or perhaps it has been my choices of items to stock up. These are two receipts and some pictures from my shopping escapades.

As you can see, I've been trying to head to the more "atas" supermarkets in hopes that I might find more options.

That hot sauce is awesome! Totally recommended. It's not really "hot-hot" (Singaporeans can take a lot more heat), but it works.
It's just something about the peppers and the vinegar and the salt... so good. :)
The coconut flour is a hopeful purchase that I might be able to make some delicious salmon cakes one of these days.

Saw this tea and couldn't resist. Doesn't it sound delish?!
The Larabar was a "let's try it since I'm reading so much about it" buy.
I'll prolly have it when I really need a pick-me-up. Maybe around Day 20 or something.

These are the Whole30 approved Larabars (as taken from lifehealthhq for anyone who'd like some reference).
That coconut cream pie and chocolate coconut chew sounds so good!
Sounds like Haupia. <3 I have to find them!

And here was my "biggest temptation" during supermarket shopping:

From the ingredients, they are technically fully Whole30 compliant...
except for the rule of "no cheating"... and when I put it in my basket, it felt like cheating, so I knew I had to take it out. :(

It has been an interesting process so far. A friend from Australia is in town and she made a comment that I'm looking exceptionally beautiful these days... and I didn't know what to think and basically shared with her that it might be because I've been eating clean for a few weeks. And perhaps so.

I'm going to keep a log of the things I eat these couple of days and see how things turn out.

My mood has improved though, and I'm not sleeping or feeling lethargic as much. :)
I think my focus is slowly getting back in check... maybe it's this "being in control" "disciplined" thing that helps.
Next week I'm going to start on some yoga and try to get exercise back into my routines.
I'm enjoying this process.

Whole30 Journey: Day Two

Feeling: Hungry

What I ate
Breakfast: Warm water, pineapple slices, some cashews
Lunch: Green tea, pineapple slices, some almonds
Dinner: Hopefully something more substantial. I NEED PROTEIN!

Went supermarket shopping again this morning for breakfast and it was pretty tough. I think I've somehow have it locked in my brain that I can only take fruits and nuts (which I'm actually pretty sick of), and that my protein has to be cooked at home (of which I am also sick of eggs).

I dropped by a Cold Storage in Paya Lebar this time and all I had in my basket at the end of my shopping trip was two punnets of blueberries, some pre-sliced honey pineapple slices, a box of green tea (without brown rice bits. I double checked), and four cans of tuna. (I am surprised though how much more rubbish is put into the "flaked tuna" cans. Chunks it is)

I was a little disappointed that I can't seem to find my plantain chips though. I'm starting to wonder if I should make my own, but I honestly don't have the time to cook on weekdays. :( I eventually had some pineapple and cashews for breakfast, and the rest of the pineapple with some almonds for lunch, with a glass of green tea. It doesn't sound very filling - and it wasn't. But I unfortunately don't think it's quite appropriate to make like a cat and eat canned tuna at work. I shall try to whip something up at home tomorrow morning with the avocados that have finally ripened.

Tonight's going to be a challenge as I have a dinner appointment. I have given up on trying to avoid canola oil and vegetable oil whilst eating out (it's totally impossible unless I force all my colleagues and business partners to eat at salad stops/whole30 bars which are not available in Singapore), but how do I explain sugar, soy and grain...

These are the recommended items for tonight's dinner at Tambuah Mas and the issues I'm going to have with them (other than vegetable oil in all of them):
- Tahu Telor (fried beancurd and eggs): soy, sugar, may have flour
- Rendang Lembu (beef rendang): sugar, may have flour
- Ikan Pedas (grilled seabass in banana leaves): sugar, may have soy sauce, usually too spicy to eat alone and has to be eaten with rice
- Sop Buntut (spicy ox-tail soup): may have MSG, may have soy sauce, I'm not sure about sugar
- Udang Belado (fried succulent prawns in chilli gravy): I'm allergic to prawns, definitely will have sugar
- Gado Gado (mixed vegetables with tofu, crackers and spicy peanut dressing): LOVE this dish, but tofu = soy, crackers = grain. Sigh.
- Sayur Lodeh (cabbage, long beans and beancurd in spicy coconut milk): Soy, usually has some sugar too, usually served with rice... grain.

Argh, how is this going to work out?
I definitely need some protein tonight. It's only 4pm and I'm hungry.
I technically have a right to be hungry though. After all, all my poor body has had all day has been green tea, pineapples, and a some nuts. Poor body.

On the bright side, there's a pretty decent supermarket there.
Maybe I'll be able to get some decent (non vegetable oil fried) plantain chips. I am craving crispy. :)


On other notes: 
It's "strictly" Day 2 because of all the slip ups I've had, but I technically started on this last Monday... so it "could have been" Day 12 today. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of the discipline I have been able to exercise though. It's been a long time since I've felt SO in control of my choices. And it's nice to have a solid reason to be able to just walk away from things that are just not good for my body.

I also took my latest blood test yesterday at the clinic to check my levels of hypothyroid stuffies. Hopefully, if the Whole30 is working out for me, my numbers will look a lot better next week when the results come out. I'm looking forward to it! (I just hope that I'm not one of those who actually needs to cut out eggs and nightshades from my diet for real results. I don't think I could live without tomatoes forever.)

Whole30 Reset: Back to Day One

I took the Sunday off and spent the day doing things I loved the most - I walked to the library, read, borrowed the two Whole 30 books, and went supermarket shopping.

So it turns out my last week was a "half-baked" Whole30. I really should have read the book first to be certain whether I was following it correctly (So if you're planning to start the Whole 30, I'd encourage you to first read "It Starts with Food" to understand the science and what it's really about, then to go on to the other book). I think I've gathered enough from the first book to know I'm pretty much on the right track now, so I'm not going to cheat, today I'm back to Day One.

I'm back to Day One because I had legumes on the first day last week, I had saba covered with soy sauce twice, as well as ate out - which probably meant that I had consumed canola/vegetable oil as well as sugars somewhere in there. But it's okay, I'd rather know that I REALLY completed the Whole30 to a T than have a half-baked experience.

I shopped at Cold Storage thinking that they'd give me more options, but it was pretty tough. With the Whole30, the entire bread, cakes, pastries and cookies section is out. Dairy is out. Most frozen things are out. So are the alcohol and beverages as well as the cereals and snacks aisles... suddenly one realizes that your only options in a supermarket are in - 1) the fresh fruits and vegetables section, 2) the nuts and herbs section, 3) eggs, 4) SOME meats - actually the Cold Storage that I was at didn't have any grass-fed options, and 5) some canned vegetables, fruits, or fish. I don't know what else was available... but they didn't have my plantain chips. :( So yeah, life gets.... simpler.

It's been quite an interesting experience so far... though I'm pretty early in the journey so my creativity is likely to be limited.
This was my sad dinner last night:

I mainly felt...like a cat.

I ate about half a can of this. It basically was tuna chunks in spring water, with some cracked black pepper, paprika, and nori (roasted seaweed). I had some almonds with this... and I can only say that almonds don't seem to go very well with canned tuna. I think I shall fry up the tuna next time...perhaps with some onions. :)

I have to say that though that I slept really well last night at 1130 (which was a surprise because I have been having bouts of insomnia), and I surprisingly woke up at 4am. That has not happened for a VERY long time. I went back to some reading, and fell asleep again till 9am. I'm not sure if that was fortunate or not that I had a second round of sleep, but I shall be thankful anyway.

I think it was the time at the library that really helped me destress. It was amazing how much lighter (in terms of stress and anxiousness) I felt just being in a corner of the library and reading. I think I even had a 5 minute nap in between my reading. I love libraries. It's like being in the company of many brilliant minds and people with extraordinary lives... and picking up a book is like having the privilege of a one-on-one with them as they share their experiences and wisdom.

Breakfast this morning was a bit more eventful than last night's dinner. I had my househelper help me make it as I washed up (as I was in a rush!). :) I chose a base of olive oil to fry two eggs with the remainder of the tuna last night, some black pepper, and paprika. I think topped it all off with some lovely alfafa sprouts and nori. :)

It felt like happy food.

I didn't really get a chance to sit down at a table to have breakfast. I had it in the car on the way to work, but I did try to ensure to enjoy it as much as possible in that moment. A handful of cashews later, I was happy. :) I didn't finish all of it though and polished the rest of it off for lunch, along with some cherry tomatoes I keep in my office pantry and a handful of almonds... and a few dried mulberries just for a little sweetness. :)

I do need to plan for dinner though...
Maybe I'll just have a nice little pear and some cashews. :)

So far the day has been going well. I'm happy, I'm rested.
I do forsee that I might get sick of eggs somewhere in this journey, but I feel like I might have the discipline to pull through. :)
Not being able to eat out is going to be tricky, but hopefully, with enough planning, I'll make it through.

Back and moving into new phases.

So I'm finally back.

It has been about 14 months since the surgery. My left bottom lip and chin are still numb and so is my right cheek (which the doctor says is possibly because of scar-tissue :(). I've pretty much resigned to the possibility that I may never gain full feeling and comfort in these areas again... and that my ex (and only) boyfriend will now possibly forever be the best perceived kisser in my life... *cue tragic music* Unless, of course, my next (and hopefully final) boyfriend can catch my heart on a much deeper level. Haha.

Why am I sharing these things again?

Oh right, the lack of feelings.

Tbh, it's annoying. It's annoying on the days that I'd appreciate full-feeling at corporate events when they have these little breaks for networking and I'm starving and I need to eat something. It's irritating because I need all my energies to try to overcome my introverted-self and navigate small talk and would appreciate not having to budget some part of my consciousness worrying about whether a crumb from the cake or the little springroll I ate is still on my chin or some random part of my face. It's irritating on the days where I wake up and I think the world is bright and beautiful and I think I look like a million bucks, but there's actually stuff on my face I can't feel. It's depressing on those days.

But then again, it's not that big a deal compared to why I needed to do it. I can't imagine having to deal with pain and other more annoying things. So I shall choose to be thankful. But still pray that the feelings come back some time - hopefully before I get married. That will be useful. Please, God?

These days, life is back to normal, I've put back on ALL the weight (and then some) that I lost post-surgery on the liquid syringe diet phase... though I'm working on getting them back off.

From here on, I'm going to be writing more about life in general. I may have a few days where I complain about my annoying retainers (which are still tight and irritating...though I have been very disciplined with them), and maybe a smattering of posts about the tightness in my cheek, but the whole jaw surgery was just one small part of my journey in life.

Hope everyone's well.

Minimalism & Liberation

It's been a while since I've written...guess life happened.
But I'm back to writing.

The jaw is doing fine I suppose. About a month ago, I visited Surgeonman and had some x-rays done. Seemed that my left jaw bone healed up alright, but the right one was still a little unstable. My right cheek is still really tight, but I think part of me is getting used to it...which may not be a good thing in the long run. Wearing my retainers initiates a little bit of a gag-reflex sometimes, but I think it's just a matter of getting acquainted with them... and that's pretty much all the updates I have about the post-jaw surgery progress so far. I honestly can't believe it's been almost a year since the surgery.

Something clicked in me these past months though and I've been on a mission for a full life-makeover. I've started with decluttering my belongings - of which I've thrown out a massive amount of things including (but not limited to) books, clothing, memorabilia, soft toys, and old notes. I've been doing them in parts as a lot of the process can be a lot more emotionally draining than that of physical strain... not to mention there's only so much dust I can take in a day.  I've shredded SO much paper... I don't even know how I accumulated SO much paperwork.

These past two weekends, I've been doing a digital declutter. And tonight I FINALLY got one of my email boxes in order with only ONE email floating in my Inbox (of which I will be taking action on later today so that I can delete it forever). I don't know how to express it, but there's this amazing calm and joy that comes with unsubscribing from something like 20 sources, and deleting 15,423 emails. :)

I do have another mailbox with another 3000 mails to deal with, but I'm on a mission and will get there one step at a time.

I've joined the minimalism movement and have found it increasingly liberating.

I've just come to a point where I just want to...Zen-out. If that makes any sense. Part of me is just sick and tired of being under this huge load of things to do. Life is just not meant to be spent crawling around with so much weight!

I have a plan and that plan is to live.
To live a happy, fulfilling, and gracious life.

I'm headed to a friend's wedding Hawaii in a month, and then I'm off to the States for a week or so to breathe in the summer and just...plan life. I'm quite done with living a pre-planned life to fulfill the expectations of others. It's going to be a process, but I will get there. #liberation

The day before debracing... well, sort of.

Are they straight? Kinda? I suppose?

Tomorrow is supposed to be THE Debracing Day!

I missed out just one little detail though... that I was supposed to see Surgeonman before I get it all removed! As it turns out, I unknowingly missed my last appointment with Surgeonman and now I have to schedule a meeting before I claim my freedom from all this metal! >_<

Bad news is that Surgeonman is out of town till Weds.
Good news is that there's another Co-surgeon who will be able to see me tomorrow.
Bad news is that I have to push the debracing by a day.
Good news is that I have to push the debracing by only a day.
Bad news is that if I want to be really really picky about waiting for Surgeonman, his next open slot is in April.
Good news is that I don't think I shall be that picky.... unless I can steal him for a little tomorrow. ;)

To be honest, time has gone so fast I really can't believe it's already been almost nine months since the surgery! I can't believe this journey is almost done with.

I guess sometimes, I miss my old face...

Pre-op.
I always had to tilt my face left a little...cause I was so used to it.

Couldn't quite hide that underbite here...

And even though a lot of people tell me I look "better" now, I guess somewhere in me I still miss how I used to look like. Perhaps it's force of habit. On somedays, I even feel a little fake... and perhaps, on the days that I'm fully aware that parts of my face are still numb and may probably not have any feeling ever again, it gets pretty depressing. But on other days, I guess I don't quite think about it and focus on the more important things in life beyond how I look now. I suppose it helps that I kinda had no choice but to get it done... I think if my reason for getting through the jaw surgery was aesthetic, instead of functional, my mindset would be completely different. I still wonder why they still allow forcep deliveries if they change the face structure so much.

But I guess it doesn't help to brood on it, because this is me now...

7months post-op with the sister at CNY. :)

With my little bunny Explorer who's growing up SO fast!

I sometimes still freak out post-surgery and debate with myself that perhaps I now have some overbite that needs correcting, but honestly, I think that's when I need a good scolding. I should be thankful now that my jaw hinges are not wearing out. I should be thankful that I don't have to face arthritis. I should be thankful that there weren't any complications during and post-surgery. I should be thankful for the simple fact that I am alive.

So here's to start of the "closure" process of the jaw surgery.
There's still a tightness in my right cheek that might need fixing (hopefully not with surgery!), but that's another story for another day.

First, debracing!
(AND WHITENING! I can't wait to get my teeth nice and sparkly clean again without all these metal barriers!)

Setting the pace for 2015

Days since op: 220! Gosh, time really flies!
Pain Level: 1.  My chin hurts when I rub it. I think things are still not quite fused up.   

Swelling: I like to believe I'm still swollen.

Sleep last night: Okay, I've been trying to "get a life" nowadays so I do stay out late and sleep late...but now it's more for social reasons than due to discomfort from the surgery.
Other weirdness: Right cheek feels permanently tight. Surgeonman says it's due to some bone thing and that if I wanted to get rid of it, I might need to go back to surgery to shave some of the bone off. :( 

Mood: Lazy Sunday. It's a nice feeling to be able to laze a day away.

It's interesting how time works...that as one walks through life, you make decisions at certain junctures to build on the plot of one's life. Right now, my life has been about work, my pets, getting back to German, as well as fencing. Yes! I'm back to fencing! And here's proof!

It is such a joy to have a blade again. 
Feels like I got a part of me back! :)

It wasn't easy getting back on the piste. This past Wednesday was the first time I was back to fencing others (after a long 8 year break) and gosh did I get trashed. I did score a few points... but pretty much lost every bout - including to a left hander who decided to fence me with his right hand. Thanks.

Warrior has grown so much now. This was a picture of him just a few weeks ago. 

Isn't he the sweetest little thing? :)

And this is a more recent picture of him...except with a little surprise!

Warrior has siblings!

It was just two weeks ago that when I was checking Mummyrabbit whether her milk was sufficient for Warrior that I realized something weird was going on in her tummy. There was something more than just milk in there which left me puzzled because we had seperated Daddyrabbit from her since the delivery of Warrior. Then it clicked! The day Warrior was born, we thought we had lost the whole litter and decided to leave Mummyrabbit with Daddyrabbit... you know, for emotional support. And yeah, this was apparently what happened in those 5 minutes. On the day she gave birth! (That bastard! Haha) But yes, there is so much truth to the term "breeding like rabbits". Initially, I had thought she only had two because they felt so small in her, but when the time came, five little kits appeared.... bringing the total number of rabbits I now own to NINE (the parents, Marshmallow, Warrior, and five new little kits). 

I thought I had a handful with four at first, but now with nine I totally know what it feels like to be a working mother. :D

Mummyrabbit with her five new little kits.

This was them at a few days old. They looked like little pigs.
They were much smaller than when I remembered how Warrior was.

My five little loves. 
All getting white with fur.
The one with a little cut on his nose is Explorer.
I'm not sure how he got that cut, but it might have been from an accident with Mummyrabbit, Warrior, or from a one time I almost lost him when he crawled out and under the cage. I still don't know how that happened, but thank God I went to check on them and found him or he may not have survived!

But yep, life seems to be on to a rolling start this year. I'm back to fencing, checking in to Duolingo everyday for my German, Pilates on Saturdays.... somehow life seems to be getting back on track. There's a quote that I have on my bathroom wall that says "It does not matter how many times you fall. What matters is that you get back up." Take as much time as you need, but get back up. :)

The process is irritating though, and sometimes I get really impatient with my progress. Be it with my fitness (or current lack of), with work, with heart issues, with healing from the jaw surgery (go away numbness!), but some things just take time.

This week, I'm going to try to get my electronic life, financials, and paperwork in order.

To a wonderful 2015!

Day 194: Almost at the end of 2014!

Pain Level: 0.2 - I think I'm bleeding somewhere behind my lower left molar because I got irritated that I couldn't brush it properly (as my teeth are a bit too far back into my jaw - which makes brushing really difficult because it's a really tight spot). Using the interdental brush somehow made something bleed...again. I think it's the plaque that keeps getting stuck there that makes my molar-gums upset and prone to bleeding.

Swelling: Somehow the right side of my face is still tight. Still feels weird.

Sleep last night: Caught a bad bug and ended up with a burning fever. It's gone now. Thank God for water and Vitamin C.
Other weirdness: My right cheek feels weird and I think it's because of this weird clump of something in the inside of my cheek. I don't really know what it is, but when I press my tongue on it, it feels like it has nerves connected to the right corner of my lip or something. Also, I still can't quite chew naturally. My teeth feel like they are crashing together and it freaks me out a bit. Left part of lip and chin are still numb. Sigh.

Mood: A lil sleepy.

The end of the year is almost here and I'm not quite ready for it. When I take a quite glance of a stock take of the year, I feel as if a lot of my plans had stopped in their tracks because of 1) the jaw surgery, 2) the crazy issues at work. And yet, at the same time of feeling unaccomplished, I feel very much otherwise so - because I've learned so much through these experiences. This year I learned about courage, about friendship, faith, and hope. I learned that there is power in networks. I learned that as much as you give of yourself into the lives of others, there is no shame in asking for help when it is required. I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable...but as the saying goes "Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

This was my quote for the year:

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

Before and after.
I'm always somehow back to this cabinet.
It's tough trying to keep things organized
when you live with 7 other people.

Beyond all that, I've been trying to get my house in order again - after it became this huge storeroom dump during a crazy time when we had to move the factory - and that has been quite therapeutic. It almost feels like I'm reclaiming my life back one box/bag at a time. There's still a lot more to go, and it's probably going to take me at least half a year to get through all of it, but it's a joy knowing that it will all be settled in time.



I'm going to spend some time later tonight thinking about how to close off this year and set goals for the next... there are so many things I want to get done. 2015 will be a better year. After a horrible end to 2012, an emotionally draining 2013, and a harsher 2014, 2015 has to be a better year. It has to be. God, let it be, please. I will do everything in my capacity to make sure it will be.

On other happier notes, Mummy bunny gave birth on the 16th of December, and I lost most of the litter (probably because of the conditions they were born in, or maybe Marshmallow (my 3 month old) got to them :(). I was distraught, but as I decided to clean up, I discovered that one little warrior bunny survived because he had somehow rolled out of the cage! And true to his character, he was named Warrior. Well, at only 14 days old, he's more like a little Warrior. :) He (yes, I assume he's a boy) has been my daily dose of happiness watching him grow. It's amazing how they grow so quickly! Just slightly over a week ago, he was this pink little hairless body...and probably only half his size that he's grown to now. :)

Warrior at 11 days. <3

At 13 days. :)
He grows so fast!

Marshmallow and her treats from the pet store that was giving out goodie bags. :)

It's going to be tough to let them go soon though... because it turns out that my sister-in-law who lives with us is allergic to animal fur. :( I've got to find a safe, loving family for my little family of bunnies...I don't even know where I'm going to find someone with such a big heart to adopt all four of them. Miss them already. :,( Well, going to treasure them as long as I can have them with me. #totallyenjoyinglovingandspoilingmypets <3

Day 184: 6 months!

Pain Level: 0 - No pain, just still numb in my lower left lip and chin. 

Swelling: I'd like to think I'm still a bit swollen, but it may be just fats.

Sleep last night: I haven't been sleeping too well... bad working and life habits I think.
Other weirdness: When I wash my teeth with mouthwash and leave it in for a few seconds, my jaws feel like dentures floating in a glass. It's REALLY weird. Oh, and chewing is still weird. I somehow feel like my teeth are a bit spastic and I'm not sure where to fit them when crushing things in my mouth.

Mood: Tired

It's really early in the morning and I'm still awake. I had a really rough week as I'm trying to get life back on track. Tis' one of those days where I wonder what I am doing with my life and what needs to be done. 

It's weird, really, that even after 6 months post-surgery, when people tell me "you look really different", I don't know how to react. There's a certain sense of fear or apprehension in receiving such comments - even if they were meant to be complimentary. Even in telling the story, I always make sure to emphasize that I didn't quite have a choice - given it was told to me that I had only two options 1) either to do the surgery now, or 2) wait ten years when I would probably have worn out jaw hinges, arthritis and slower bone growth. The inability to react well is weird though. Perhaps it's an insecurity of some sort.

Yesterday, I stumbled across a Postsecret and it scared the heck out of me for a bit. 

This was it:

I know this particular PostSecret was probably made for a person who had some sort of plastic surgery, but I couldn't help but wonder if some of the people whom I speak to might think the same of me (and not say it).

But hey, there are bigger issues in life to think about aren't there?

I've finally gotten back in touch with my fencing coach, took my gear out and gotten it washed. I'm back to fencing next week! Hopefully, no one will hit my face (please don't!). I'm going to get back to running again, and Pilates. I got to get back some discipline and tenacity in my life.

Fencing next week! I can't wait!

Day 120 (4 months!): Self-questioning

It's really early in the morning and I find myself drafting my powerpoint slides for charting the Vision 2020 for the company. There seems to be so many things on my mind and I feel like I just need to get it all out.

The company is in a very interesting transition now where we are making decisions whether to move premises. There are so many things that are on my mind - Whether to rent or to purchase, how is the team going to change and whether there are changes to the business model that need to be made... As my whole life starts to revolve around work - and all the organizations that I've begun to participate in in order to support it - I wonder if I've short-changed myself in terms of my personal life which seems to be going nowhere because I haven't made much time for it. From spending time with my family, friends, and even plans for the future.. it seems I've neglected the "more important" things in life.

One of my goals this year was to be more open to people and make more friends. I guess I've kinda been doing that...except it has been mainly for work. It's weird, but I feel like I've not laugh-laughed for a long time.

I guess I need to be a little kinder to myself as a lot of changes have kinda happened in the past two years - one of which was the surgery which was a pretty big deal. It's a little shocking to think that it's already been four months! Time really passes. I guess I'm still adjusting... as some people around me are (already in this past week, I've re-acquainted with two groups of business associates who seemed a little uncomfortable with the fact that I look different). But I totally understand that it's probably a little weird for them and I just need to give them that space and time to readjust and "reacquaint" with me. Takes a lot of patience and firmness in my own self-worth though. Guess it's a process all jaw-surgery patients need to go through. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for people who look a lot more drastically different than my case. I really feel for them.

I'm looking forward to this week ahead.

Monday and Tuesday are going to be "charting days" where I hope that my management team will be able to make some important decisions...and I should really finish my grad school applications. If all goes well, I should be off to Myanmar for the weekend, and hopefully back with some clarity with the road ahead.

Day 113: Coming to terms with depression

Pain Level: 1 - My teeth have started turning a nasty yellowish colour so I started getting more vigorous with my brushing routine by digging around more with my interdental brush... and that doesn't always make my gums too happy. Gross bloody brushes...

Swelling: Surgeonman still thinks there's some and says it's normal. I think that's a good thing.  

Sleep last night: A little better, but I think I would be happier if I could get even more restful sleep.
Other weirdness: Just weird gross yellowing of teeth... I have no idea why... oh wait, maybe it was that Mocha from Starbucks... and that tea... dang!

Mood: Having my monthly girly cramps. >_<

So I made a decision today. 

I decided that I really need to take a courageous step to come to terms with the depression that I've been struggling with for a long time. I've decided to take up Surgeonman's offer for help to deal with it. I think his guess was that I may have already been a little depression-prone pre-surgery, or may have already had a mild form of depression before the surgery. Or at least I think he was hinting at that. Do I give off highly-anxious-patient vibes? ^^ I suppose I should be thankful that I know that I'm struggling, but it isn't something that's really deeply hopeless - but rather that I probably just need someone more professional in helping me talk through my struggles with work and life right now. Surgeonman mentioned that sometimes some patients get into really deep depression - especially when they come out looking extremely different from before, or that they have severe adjustments they need to make like speech impediments and stuff. For me, I suppose it's just these past two years have been such a struggle for me - with issue after issue coming at me - how it's now physically affecting my health and having this really bad hair-loss due to stress and all, just isn't too good for me anymore. I'm literally losing little mounds of hair everyday. :(

So, I'm going get help (yay for courageous decisions) - I think Surgeonman has some connections with some counsellors or something - and we'll see where that goes. I do have a hard-rule on that route though - no psyche medications. After studying psychology, and numerous conversations & debates regarding treatment of mentally/emotionally-ill patients, I'm totally against psychiatric drugs unless it's a situation of life-and -death. So no, no meds.

In the meantime, I've also decided to take things a bit easier on myself, and to attempt to reduce the amount of stress on me as much as possible. Last weekend I'd just spent some time cleaning out most of my office - compiling files, cleaning, organizing... it did make me feel quite a bit better. I've started on some of my files at home too. This coming week, I'm going to try to clear out as much electronic data too... there's just too much to handle everywhere now and it's time to simplify life for a bit.

I'm praying that this week will be my "Breakthrough Week" for me - where things at the office will be a little more settled. I've plans to head to Myanmar for a wedding for one of my staff and perhaps to Chiangmai, Thailand after that - just to improve our Thai product selection...and maybe just to get a breather from all the stress here.

Day 109: Learning to love myself more.

Pain Level: 1 - A little bump of a bone in my upper palate hurts sometimes, but otherwise things are alright.

Swelling: Right cheek still tight. Same part of lip and chin still numb.

Sleep last night: Not too good. Been having trouble sleeping. Not sure why.
Other weirdness: I stutter sometimes as the jaw goes a bit wonky. Surgeonman says it's normal and it takes time to adjust.

Mood: A little tired.

Something has been affecting my energy levels and even Surgeonman was a little concerned about that. I suppose with my dropping hair and really bad rashes, I've begun to be increasingly concerned about my health. 

Chopped off something like 5 inches!
Had to do something to stop
the dropping!

This week, I popped by the polyclinic to check if my rashes was some issue with my immune system - because everything seems to be showing up only on the left side of my body. Two hours later (with a lot of waiting in between), the doctor's diagnosis was that my rashes and dry skin and scalp (which is apparently is what is causing the hairloss) were probably due to stress than a problem with my immune system or my stylist's guess of hormonal fluctuations. Surgeonman seemed to similarly guess the same - that it might be from stress due to the major changes in how I look and adapting to that.  I didn't think stress was that big an issue, but I suppose with all that's been happening, they might be right. And it doesn't help that I haven't been getting much exercise and that my diet hasn't been very good for me. I have yet to sign up for the Pilates classes that I've been wanting to do for a while, but I somehow feel like too much is going on in life right now for me to take anymore on.

I cleared a couple of questions with Surgeonman today too... including:

• Q: When can I get my plates out?A: Preferably not. It's not necessary. If anything, maybe one year later.
• Q: I think I have a cavity cause one tooth really hurts when I brush.A: <was referred to an in-house dentist who took a little xray and showed no cavity> Might be a sensitive tooth. Consider swapping to a toothpaste for sensitive teeth.
• Q: What's the bump on my upper palate that hurts sometimes? It feels like a bone.A: Turned out to be some hook thing that's connected to some muscles. Surgeonman says that it's normal because the upper jaw was moved up, but the hook wasn't, so it just needs time to adapt. 
• Q: I've been having weird rashes. Does the surgery affect the hormones or the immune system?A: No. It's probably from stress. Think about what might be the cause of it. (Surgeonman was really nice about it saying they have the resources and stuff... but I don't think I want to go to a therapist. Issues might shift to old memories and I don't want to go there.)

The doctor at the polyclinic has referred me to the National Skin Centre for them to take a closer look at my rashes (which are honestly really gross with little bubbles). My appointment with them is scheduled for December... I hope I'll still have some hair come December. Please stop dropping! Oh, did I also mention that I decided to chop my locks to try to reduce the amount of hair that falls? Hasn't quite worked because I think the same number of strands are dropping....except that it doesn't look as scary as before because they are slightly shorter. 

Sorry, little roti prata. :/

About the memory lapses - things are a little better now. At least I can shower properly without weird "second-takes". The latest victim to my memory lapses was a piece of roti prata that I forgot on the stove though. :/ 

The plan is for me to try to take things a bit easier... I probably have to tell my sister and staff that I am under doctor's orders to breathe easier. I'm going to start a habit of taking walks in the mornings. Maybe that will help some. That, and to pray that the situation with my factory improves that would help to take some stress of life for a bit. 

Gotta remember that I'm still healing!

Day 100: Can't believe we're here.

Pain Level: 1 - Just the normal few bits of weirdness when I open my jaw.

Swelling: ?? not much idea whether it's fats or swelling anymore. The cheeks are still a little tight though... so I guess there must be a bit more.

Sleep last night: Restless. Can't seem to get into deep REM sleep.
Other weirdness: Just normal mouth weirdness - occasional spasms of my jaw when I talk.

Mood: I really didn't want this to be a sad post at day 100! I lost a lot of hair today though and it affected me quite a bit. :/

Gosh, is it already the 100-day marker? Time really flies. I can't believe it's already 100 days since the surgery.

Compared to the first two weeks of life post-surgery, life is pretty much back to normal, though I occassionally get reminders that I'm still a patient in recovery... including a really bad case of hairfall today. 

Somehow, after a little checking on my scalp the other day, I was shocked to find that it was almost a white colour and was dry and scaly. It was a pretty bad surprise... but I figure it must have been the root of my terrible hairloss. Today, in the midst of my graduate school applications, I decided to try a home remedy using coconut oil and sugar to exfoliate and nourish my scalp. I massaged the mix into my hair and let it sit for about 2 hours before rinsing it out... and goodness, what a shock I had.

This is only what fell in the shower.
There was more that fell whilst I was drying my hair.
It was terribly depressing.

It almost immediately brought back the post-op blues and I found myself wondering whether I should just shave all my hair off now or go for pixie cut (which I wouldn't have dared to do if my hair were in its original glory). I guess this is just part of the jaw surgery journey that I have to manage.

Part of me is pretty certain the hairfall is due to an immune system problem (with the weird stuff going on on my left foot, as well as some scaly skin patches on my left shin)...I think I'll go check it out at the polyclinic tomorrow.

I think I'm going to take the morning off from work tomorrow to go visit the doctors, as well as to sign up for a two-year gym package where I'll be able to get some pilates to stimulate my body a little. 

On the upside, I submitted part of my graduate school applications for a university in Singapore today. I have a professor who has encouraged me to submit for PhD in the States, but I don't have that type of courage yet with a lack of experience in the field of study I'm interested in. Part of me is excited that this part of my life - my love for the university - seems to be moving forward. I still owe them the GREs. But I'm just glad I got my essays in. :)

Day 98: Photoshoot Fears

I had a photoshoot today for a women's group that I'm involved in, and it was absolutely terrifying.

One of the photos we took.
I was glad to hide my face with the hat.

I never realized how shocked and scared I was about photo taking... not to mention how uncomfortable I felt. I was so self-conscious and worried about the way I was smiling - or not. I was worried about whether my face looked okay, whether I was looking like an alien, whether my swelling was making my face look fat, and whether my shortened face made me look like an imp. I totally didn't like so many shots... it was absolutely terrifying. Worse that I can't always tell how widely I'm smiling. At one point, I thought I was smiling, and one of the girls watching the shoot told me to smile... =_= Cooperate with me facial muscles!

For most of the day, I felt as if all my confidence was lost with my previous face which I was more comfortable with. I used to know what worked for my face, which angles to use, what styles worked for me... Now, more often than not, I find myself feeling that I look terrible in all photos of me.

It's weird.... but I kinda feel estranged from myself.
It's as if I don't really know myself anymore.

What I'm thankful for are friends who constantly remind me that it's not what I look like, but who I am... and those who also reassure me that the surgery was for the better. But yeah, I guess I am the greatest critic of myself.

I'm already 3 months post op and I'm surprised that I can't seem to get over this phase. Hope that things will be better soon.

On other notes:
I watched an episode of Running Man today and whilst I watched them be "punished" by one of the scariest roller coasters in the world in Taiwan, I realized that I probably won't be able to get on rollercoasters for a while! :( It looked SO awesome though!

Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMC07r8Pc8M
Fast forward to 5:47 - it's called The Screaming Condor. It's like an extreme viking ride.

Day 96

Pain Level: 2 - Teeth somehow feel really raw today.

Swelling: I am convinced that my face looks swollen, but it's actually fats.

Sleep last night: Meh. Woke up to my little sis banging on a lot of metallic stuff. Wasn't a good start.

Other weirdness: When I drink cold water or use mouthwash, very specific parts of my cheeks feel cold. It's as if there are "cold spots".

Mood: Tired

Please excuse the caps in the previous post. I was trying to use the Blogger app on my iPhone to test it out to see if it made blogging easier. The post looked completely fine on the app preview, but I was so shocked when I opened it today on the laptop. I have no idea how it became that way. I guess that's the last time I'm using the app.

I did go back and adjusted the font size, but it's a little too much for me to delete and retype everything sans-capitalization, so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I wasn't drunk writing that, I promise.

My body has been really tired these few days....and I'm starting to worry about the rate of my dropping hair. It's so bad that even my staff commented about it. Part of me is wondering if it's actually the supplements that I'm taking that is causing my hair to drop. Or more likely not enough sleep...

I think I'll start taking my "Sleep by 10pm" seriously.
Okay, off to try to get some rest.

Day 95? - Pain at Orthoman's

Pain Level: 1 - Ulcers have healed up a little. Teeth hurt like crap at Orthoman's yesterday though.  

Swelling: Numb part of lip with ulcers still swollen. I don't really know if the rest of my face is just fat now.

Sleep last night: Slept pretty late again... Totally unproductive. I need to get disciplined!

Other weirdness: I'm still really sensitive to metal. The fact that almost all Orthoman's took were metal was not fun.

Mood: A little tired due to lack of sleep. Glad that it's almost the end of the week.

Visiting Orthoman's yesterday was a little weird and pretty painful. It was just another round of changing the wires, but this time it really hurt (especially in my electrocutey area of my chin and lip). That and the fact that I'm really hyper sensitive to metal now, it was a really uncomfortable experience. Everytime Orthoman's tools touched my teeth as he was changing some of the bands on the brackets, it felt like he was digging/scratching part of my tooth out. I don't know how to describe it... Maybe it's a bit like nails on a chalkboard, except the nails are constantly scratching to create a crater in the board. Yuck. Even writing that is giving me the goosebumps. Just thinking of metal gives me the hibbijibbies. I tried explaining it to Orthoman yesterday and he said it's the first time he's heard of people becoming sensitive to metal... Guess I'm just weird.

Oh, I almost forgot... 

My teeth haven't been very cooperative these past few weeks. The last time I visited Orthoman, he mentioned that it was possible that we only needed two visits and that I might be able to take the braces of in two months... But at this visit, he said that the bite on one side was opening and I might be going back to bands again. :( that means that the removal of my braces is now postponed. Drats. Just when I thought I could celebrate my birthday without braces. Hopefully I'll make it in time for Christmas!