Back and moving into new phases.

So I'm finally back.

It has been about 14 months since the surgery. My left bottom lip and chin are still numb and so is my right cheek (which the doctor says is possibly because of scar-tissue :(). I've pretty much resigned to the possibility that I may never gain full feeling and comfort in these areas again... and that my ex (and only) boyfriend will now possibly forever be the best perceived kisser in my life... *cue tragic music* Unless, of course, my next (and hopefully final) boyfriend can catch my heart on a much deeper level. Haha.

Why am I sharing these things again?

Oh right, the lack of feelings.

Tbh, it's annoying. It's annoying on the days that I'd appreciate full-feeling at corporate events when they have these little breaks for networking and I'm starving and I need to eat something. It's irritating because I need all my energies to try to overcome my introverted-self and navigate small talk and would appreciate not having to budget some part of my consciousness worrying about whether a crumb from the cake or the little springroll I ate is still on my chin or some random part of my face. It's irritating on the days where I wake up and I think the world is bright and beautiful and I think I look like a million bucks, but there's actually stuff on my face I can't feel. It's depressing on those days.

But then again, it's not that big a deal compared to why I needed to do it. I can't imagine having to deal with pain and other more annoying things. So I shall choose to be thankful. But still pray that the feelings come back some time - hopefully before I get married. That will be useful. Please, God?

These days, life is back to normal, I've put back on ALL the weight (and then some) that I lost post-surgery on the liquid syringe diet phase... though I'm working on getting them back off.

From here on, I'm going to be writing more about life in general. I may have a few days where I complain about my annoying retainers (which are still tight and irritating...though I have been very disciplined with them), and maybe a smattering of posts about the tightness in my cheek, but the whole jaw surgery was just one small part of my journey in life.

Hope everyone's well.

The day before debracing... well, sort of.

Are they straight? Kinda? I suppose?

Tomorrow is supposed to be THE Debracing Day!

I missed out just one little detail though... that I was supposed to see Surgeonman before I get it all removed! As it turns out, I unknowingly missed my last appointment with Surgeonman and now I have to schedule a meeting before I claim my freedom from all this metal! >_<

Bad news is that Surgeonman is out of town till Weds.
Good news is that there's another Co-surgeon who will be able to see me tomorrow.
Bad news is that I have to push the debracing by a day.
Good news is that I have to push the debracing by only a day.
Bad news is that if I want to be really really picky about waiting for Surgeonman, his next open slot is in April.
Good news is that I don't think I shall be that picky.... unless I can steal him for a little tomorrow. ;)

To be honest, time has gone so fast I really can't believe it's already been almost nine months since the surgery! I can't believe this journey is almost done with.

I guess sometimes, I miss my old face...

Pre-op.
I always had to tilt my face left a little...cause I was so used to it.

Couldn't quite hide that underbite here...

And even though a lot of people tell me I look "better" now, I guess somewhere in me I still miss how I used to look like. Perhaps it's force of habit. On somedays, I even feel a little fake... and perhaps, on the days that I'm fully aware that parts of my face are still numb and may probably not have any feeling ever again, it gets pretty depressing. But on other days, I guess I don't quite think about it and focus on the more important things in life beyond how I look now. I suppose it helps that I kinda had no choice but to get it done... I think if my reason for getting through the jaw surgery was aesthetic, instead of functional, my mindset would be completely different. I still wonder why they still allow forcep deliveries if they change the face structure so much.

But I guess it doesn't help to brood on it, because this is me now...

7months post-op with the sister at CNY. :)

With my little bunny Explorer who's growing up SO fast!

I sometimes still freak out post-surgery and debate with myself that perhaps I now have some overbite that needs correcting, but honestly, I think that's when I need a good scolding. I should be thankful now that my jaw hinges are not wearing out. I should be thankful that I don't have to face arthritis. I should be thankful that there weren't any complications during and post-surgery. I should be thankful for the simple fact that I am alive.

So here's to start of the "closure" process of the jaw surgery.
There's still a tightness in my right cheek that might need fixing (hopefully not with surgery!), but that's another story for another day.

First, debracing!
(AND WHITENING! I can't wait to get my teeth nice and sparkly clean again without all these metal barriers!)

Day 247: Gosh! 8 months!

Days since op: 247. 0_o"
Pain Level: 0 Nothing much. Sometimes the braces get caught in my cheek, but that's about it.

Swelling: I'm definitely still swollen on one cheek because of how the bone fits now. Maybe it'd get better when the braces are off.

Sleep last night: I need discipline! And I need to love my bed and sleep more!
Other weirdness: Still numb in my left lower lip and chin. Great. I wonder if it'd ever go away. I also still can't chew properly! Grrr.

Mood: It's Sunday! I'm going to buy a labeller and label everything I can get my hands on!

So this coming week is possibly my last (or second last visit) to Orthoman's and I'm a little nervous because my braces might be coming off too. I have been waiting for this for a while... but have recently been a little OCD about my profile and how my chin looks now. I'm guessing that this is just part of the process - where you know you're coming to the end of the journey (well, almost), and you just start freaking out a bit - kinda like a runner's wall. I know I did this surgery purely out of functional reasons, but I've been recently concerned about how it has affected the aesthetics... which apparently has been in a good way. But I guess I'm still human and have been freaking out about my profile and whether we made a mistake not having done the genio at the surgery.

I wasn't sure how quite to deal with the questions in my head so I decided to post some pics on the Jaw Surgery FB group (which has been amazing throughout this season of my life), to get some "professional" feedback (simply because a lot of people in the group have or have been freaked out about such stuff and many of them are very well read in this field of JS. It's a safe place and HIGHLY recommended for anyone thinking of, or are about to, or have had, jaw surgery.

Do I look like I need the genio done to even out my face?

I got some comments saying that I should consider it, and most saying that I look fine. Somehow I just can't help but wonder if I now look like I have a slight overbite (instead of my previous underbite). I think I'll just wait for the braces to come off, and the right swell to go down a bit before I decide.

This past few weeks have mainly been about celebrating CNY and all the other crazies that happen in this season. I've hardly been getting sleep and have had a lot of my mind. I'm thinking of taking a trip down to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for a conference this coming weekend to try to clear my mind a little. Let's call it a "thinking trip". I think it'd help some.

Happy.

Days since op: 198
Pain Level: 0.5 - Orthoman put a band in. I thought it wasn't much, but gosh it hurt over time!

Swelling: Gonna ask Surgeonman about my right cheek next week.

Sleep last night: Stayed out late with friends just talking till 5 in the morning. Wasn't very wise considering it brought back the high fever today. X_X
Other weirdness: I now have a "button" on one of my teeth.

Mood: Meh~ I've been sick - as in, that I'm still ill with the flu...high fever, stuffy nose, bad cough...the full works.

So I went to see Orthoman yesterday (I practically flew there because of a really packed day!), I was so glad to finally grt there because I had missed two weeks of appointments. It wasn't anything too exciting...seemed like the usual changing of the bands... except this time he pasted this little metal button on one of my teeth to pull it outwards. 

As so:

Doesn't look like much, but that little band pulling at my teeth hurt like crap last night.

I'm just glad it was just a matter of affixing the little fella (no drilling or other scary stuff). I got Cranberries (the rubber bands) and though I initially thought I'd call Orthoman back and tell him to give me something tighter so things will move faster, I was really surprised how much they hurt at dinner time! #neverunderestimateOrthomanagain

I asked Orthoman about the little clump of nerves in my right cheek I was pretty worried about, and it turns out that they are salivary glands and is purely, and I quote, "anatomical". Okay, sure, Mr. Orthoman. I've also recently been feeling a little weird about my jaws - as in, a physical weird - because it sometimes feels as if I can tell exactly where the cut in the bone across my top jaw is and that my jaws are "floating" and aren't really connected to the rest of my skull. Does that make sense? Orthoman attributed it to the possibility that my nerves are still waking up which makes me more attuned to sensations. Crap, I don't know what it's going to feel like in another half a year! The last thing I want is to feel like an old lady with dentures!

Did I also mention how I had a slightly envious episode watching a friend chomp down on a candy cane? She literally just used her teeth and broke parts of the candy cane off and just chomped at it! It's totally sacrilegious (because we all know that candy canes are meant to be properly licked/sucked on, which is the appropriate method in which all candies should be rightfully consumed), but I was amazed how she could just chomp down on a hard candy cane!! I think it's going to be a few years before I attain that sort of functionality.

I was really hoping that I'd be able to get these silly braces off by Chinese New Year in February, but Dr. Wee insists that it'd be another 4-5 months of braces. :(((( NOOOooooOOOooo... When will this ever end? I really expected them to be off a lot earlier! :( Part of me would like to think he's just this uber perfectionist, but at the same time it feels like he's dragging this out. I've been in braces for 2 years! And I guess it kinda sucks that a lot of other JS patients have already been "freed" from the metal. Patience, Claire Ariela! Patience!

Also, after a long chat and some reflecting over the events of the past few years, I have decided that this year, I WILL BE HAPPY.
Awesome New Year Resolution. Everyone should include it on their list.

Day 194: Almost at the end of 2014!

Pain Level: 0.2 - I think I'm bleeding somewhere behind my lower left molar because I got irritated that I couldn't brush it properly (as my teeth are a bit too far back into my jaw - which makes brushing really difficult because it's a really tight spot). Using the interdental brush somehow made something bleed...again. I think it's the plaque that keeps getting stuck there that makes my molar-gums upset and prone to bleeding.

Swelling: Somehow the right side of my face is still tight. Still feels weird.

Sleep last night: Caught a bad bug and ended up with a burning fever. It's gone now. Thank God for water and Vitamin C.
Other weirdness: My right cheek feels weird and I think it's because of this weird clump of something in the inside of my cheek. I don't really know what it is, but when I press my tongue on it, it feels like it has nerves connected to the right corner of my lip or something. Also, I still can't quite chew naturally. My teeth feel like they are crashing together and it freaks me out a bit. Left part of lip and chin are still numb. Sigh.

Mood: A lil sleepy.

The end of the year is almost here and I'm not quite ready for it. When I take a quite glance of a stock take of the year, I feel as if a lot of my plans had stopped in their tracks because of 1) the jaw surgery, 2) the crazy issues at work. And yet, at the same time of feeling unaccomplished, I feel very much otherwise so - because I've learned so much through these experiences. This year I learned about courage, about friendship, faith, and hope. I learned that there is power in networks. I learned that as much as you give of yourself into the lives of others, there is no shame in asking for help when it is required. I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable...but as the saying goes "Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

This was my quote for the year:

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

Before and after.
I'm always somehow back to this cabinet.
It's tough trying to keep things organized
when you live with 7 other people.

Beyond all that, I've been trying to get my house in order again - after it became this huge storeroom dump during a crazy time when we had to move the factory - and that has been quite therapeutic. It almost feels like I'm reclaiming my life back one box/bag at a time. There's still a lot more to go, and it's probably going to take me at least half a year to get through all of it, but it's a joy knowing that it will all be settled in time.



I'm going to spend some time later tonight thinking about how to close off this year and set goals for the next... there are so many things I want to get done. 2015 will be a better year. After a horrible end to 2012, an emotionally draining 2013, and a harsher 2014, 2015 has to be a better year. It has to be. God, let it be, please. I will do everything in my capacity to make sure it will be.

On other happier notes, Mummy bunny gave birth on the 16th of December, and I lost most of the litter (probably because of the conditions they were born in, or maybe Marshmallow (my 3 month old) got to them :(). I was distraught, but as I decided to clean up, I discovered that one little warrior bunny survived because he had somehow rolled out of the cage! And true to his character, he was named Warrior. Well, at only 14 days old, he's more like a little Warrior. :) He (yes, I assume he's a boy) has been my daily dose of happiness watching him grow. It's amazing how they grow so quickly! Just slightly over a week ago, he was this pink little hairless body...and probably only half his size that he's grown to now. :)

Warrior at 11 days. <3

At 13 days. :)
He grows so fast!

Marshmallow and her treats from the pet store that was giving out goodie bags. :)

It's going to be tough to let them go soon though... because it turns out that my sister-in-law who lives with us is allergic to animal fur. :( I've got to find a safe, loving family for my little family of bunnies...I don't even know where I'm going to find someone with such a big heart to adopt all four of them. Miss them already. :,( Well, going to treasure them as long as I can have them with me. #totallyenjoyinglovingandspoilingmypets <3

Day 184: 6 months!

Pain Level: 0 - No pain, just still numb in my lower left lip and chin. 

Swelling: I'd like to think I'm still a bit swollen, but it may be just fats.

Sleep last night: I haven't been sleeping too well... bad working and life habits I think.
Other weirdness: When I wash my teeth with mouthwash and leave it in for a few seconds, my jaws feel like dentures floating in a glass. It's REALLY weird. Oh, and chewing is still weird. I somehow feel like my teeth are a bit spastic and I'm not sure where to fit them when crushing things in my mouth.

Mood: Tired

It's really early in the morning and I'm still awake. I had a really rough week as I'm trying to get life back on track. Tis' one of those days where I wonder what I am doing with my life and what needs to be done. 

It's weird, really, that even after 6 months post-surgery, when people tell me "you look really different", I don't know how to react. There's a certain sense of fear or apprehension in receiving such comments - even if they were meant to be complimentary. Even in telling the story, I always make sure to emphasize that I didn't quite have a choice - given it was told to me that I had only two options 1) either to do the surgery now, or 2) wait ten years when I would probably have worn out jaw hinges, arthritis and slower bone growth. The inability to react well is weird though. Perhaps it's an insecurity of some sort.

Yesterday, I stumbled across a Postsecret and it scared the heck out of me for a bit. 

This was it:

I know this particular PostSecret was probably made for a person who had some sort of plastic surgery, but I couldn't help but wonder if some of the people whom I speak to might think the same of me (and not say it).

But hey, there are bigger issues in life to think about aren't there?

I've finally gotten back in touch with my fencing coach, took my gear out and gotten it washed. I'm back to fencing next week! Hopefully, no one will hit my face (please don't!). I'm going to get back to running again, and Pilates. I got to get back some discipline and tenacity in my life.

Fencing next week! I can't wait!

Day 120 (4 months!): Self-questioning

It's really early in the morning and I find myself drafting my powerpoint slides for charting the Vision 2020 for the company. There seems to be so many things on my mind and I feel like I just need to get it all out.

The company is in a very interesting transition now where we are making decisions whether to move premises. There are so many things that are on my mind - Whether to rent or to purchase, how is the team going to change and whether there are changes to the business model that need to be made... As my whole life starts to revolve around work - and all the organizations that I've begun to participate in in order to support it - I wonder if I've short-changed myself in terms of my personal life which seems to be going nowhere because I haven't made much time for it. From spending time with my family, friends, and even plans for the future.. it seems I've neglected the "more important" things in life.

One of my goals this year was to be more open to people and make more friends. I guess I've kinda been doing that...except it has been mainly for work. It's weird, but I feel like I've not laugh-laughed for a long time.

I guess I need to be a little kinder to myself as a lot of changes have kinda happened in the past two years - one of which was the surgery which was a pretty big deal. It's a little shocking to think that it's already been four months! Time really passes. I guess I'm still adjusting... as some people around me are (already in this past week, I've re-acquainted with two groups of business associates who seemed a little uncomfortable with the fact that I look different). But I totally understand that it's probably a little weird for them and I just need to give them that space and time to readjust and "reacquaint" with me. Takes a lot of patience and firmness in my own self-worth though. Guess it's a process all jaw-surgery patients need to go through. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for people who look a lot more drastically different than my case. I really feel for them.

I'm looking forward to this week ahead.

Monday and Tuesday are going to be "charting days" where I hope that my management team will be able to make some important decisions...and I should really finish my grad school applications. If all goes well, I should be off to Myanmar for the weekend, and hopefully back with some clarity with the road ahead.

Day 113: Coming to terms with depression

Pain Level: 1 - My teeth have started turning a nasty yellowish colour so I started getting more vigorous with my brushing routine by digging around more with my interdental brush... and that doesn't always make my gums too happy. Gross bloody brushes...

Swelling: Surgeonman still thinks there's some and says it's normal. I think that's a good thing.  

Sleep last night: A little better, but I think I would be happier if I could get even more restful sleep.
Other weirdness: Just weird gross yellowing of teeth... I have no idea why... oh wait, maybe it was that Mocha from Starbucks... and that tea... dang!

Mood: Having my monthly girly cramps. >_<

So I made a decision today. 

I decided that I really need to take a courageous step to come to terms with the depression that I've been struggling with for a long time. I've decided to take up Surgeonman's offer for help to deal with it. I think his guess was that I may have already been a little depression-prone pre-surgery, or may have already had a mild form of depression before the surgery. Or at least I think he was hinting at that. Do I give off highly-anxious-patient vibes? ^^ I suppose I should be thankful that I know that I'm struggling, but it isn't something that's really deeply hopeless - but rather that I probably just need someone more professional in helping me talk through my struggles with work and life right now. Surgeonman mentioned that sometimes some patients get into really deep depression - especially when they come out looking extremely different from before, or that they have severe adjustments they need to make like speech impediments and stuff. For me, I suppose it's just these past two years have been such a struggle for me - with issue after issue coming at me - how it's now physically affecting my health and having this really bad hair-loss due to stress and all, just isn't too good for me anymore. I'm literally losing little mounds of hair everyday. :(

So, I'm going get help (yay for courageous decisions) - I think Surgeonman has some connections with some counsellors or something - and we'll see where that goes. I do have a hard-rule on that route though - no psyche medications. After studying psychology, and numerous conversations & debates regarding treatment of mentally/emotionally-ill patients, I'm totally against psychiatric drugs unless it's a situation of life-and -death. So no, no meds.

In the meantime, I've also decided to take things a bit easier on myself, and to attempt to reduce the amount of stress on me as much as possible. Last weekend I'd just spent some time cleaning out most of my office - compiling files, cleaning, organizing... it did make me feel quite a bit better. I've started on some of my files at home too. This coming week, I'm going to try to clear out as much electronic data too... there's just too much to handle everywhere now and it's time to simplify life for a bit.

I'm praying that this week will be my "Breakthrough Week" for me - where things at the office will be a little more settled. I've plans to head to Myanmar for a wedding for one of my staff and perhaps to Chiangmai, Thailand after that - just to improve our Thai product selection...and maybe just to get a breather from all the stress here.

Day 109: Learning to love myself more.

Pain Level: 1 - A little bump of a bone in my upper palate hurts sometimes, but otherwise things are alright.

Swelling: Right cheek still tight. Same part of lip and chin still numb.

Sleep last night: Not too good. Been having trouble sleeping. Not sure why.
Other weirdness: I stutter sometimes as the jaw goes a bit wonky. Surgeonman says it's normal and it takes time to adjust.

Mood: A little tired.

Something has been affecting my energy levels and even Surgeonman was a little concerned about that. I suppose with my dropping hair and really bad rashes, I've begun to be increasingly concerned about my health. 

Chopped off something like 5 inches!
Had to do something to stop
the dropping!

This week, I popped by the polyclinic to check if my rashes was some issue with my immune system - because everything seems to be showing up only on the left side of my body. Two hours later (with a lot of waiting in between), the doctor's diagnosis was that my rashes and dry skin and scalp (which is apparently is what is causing the hairloss) were probably due to stress than a problem with my immune system or my stylist's guess of hormonal fluctuations. Surgeonman seemed to similarly guess the same - that it might be from stress due to the major changes in how I look and adapting to that.  I didn't think stress was that big an issue, but I suppose with all that's been happening, they might be right. And it doesn't help that I haven't been getting much exercise and that my diet hasn't been very good for me. I have yet to sign up for the Pilates classes that I've been wanting to do for a while, but I somehow feel like too much is going on in life right now for me to take anymore on.

I cleared a couple of questions with Surgeonman today too... including:

• Q: When can I get my plates out?A: Preferably not. It's not necessary. If anything, maybe one year later.
• Q: I think I have a cavity cause one tooth really hurts when I brush.A: <was referred to an in-house dentist who took a little xray and showed no cavity> Might be a sensitive tooth. Consider swapping to a toothpaste for sensitive teeth.
• Q: What's the bump on my upper palate that hurts sometimes? It feels like a bone.A: Turned out to be some hook thing that's connected to some muscles. Surgeonman says that it's normal because the upper jaw was moved up, but the hook wasn't, so it just needs time to adapt. 
• Q: I've been having weird rashes. Does the surgery affect the hormones or the immune system?A: No. It's probably from stress. Think about what might be the cause of it. (Surgeonman was really nice about it saying they have the resources and stuff... but I don't think I want to go to a therapist. Issues might shift to old memories and I don't want to go there.)

The doctor at the polyclinic has referred me to the National Skin Centre for them to take a closer look at my rashes (which are honestly really gross with little bubbles). My appointment with them is scheduled for December... I hope I'll still have some hair come December. Please stop dropping! Oh, did I also mention that I decided to chop my locks to try to reduce the amount of hair that falls? Hasn't quite worked because I think the same number of strands are dropping....except that it doesn't look as scary as before because they are slightly shorter. 

Sorry, little roti prata. :/

About the memory lapses - things are a little better now. At least I can shower properly without weird "second-takes". The latest victim to my memory lapses was a piece of roti prata that I forgot on the stove though. :/ 

The plan is for me to try to take things a bit easier... I probably have to tell my sister and staff that I am under doctor's orders to breathe easier. I'm going to start a habit of taking walks in the mornings. Maybe that will help some. That, and to pray that the situation with my factory improves that would help to take some stress of life for a bit. 

Gotta remember that I'm still healing!

Day 100: Can't believe we're here.

Pain Level: 1 - Just the normal few bits of weirdness when I open my jaw.

Swelling: ?? not much idea whether it's fats or swelling anymore. The cheeks are still a little tight though... so I guess there must be a bit more.

Sleep last night: Restless. Can't seem to get into deep REM sleep.
Other weirdness: Just normal mouth weirdness - occasional spasms of my jaw when I talk.

Mood: I really didn't want this to be a sad post at day 100! I lost a lot of hair today though and it affected me quite a bit. :/

Gosh, is it already the 100-day marker? Time really flies. I can't believe it's already 100 days since the surgery.

Compared to the first two weeks of life post-surgery, life is pretty much back to normal, though I occassionally get reminders that I'm still a patient in recovery... including a really bad case of hairfall today. 

Somehow, after a little checking on my scalp the other day, I was shocked to find that it was almost a white colour and was dry and scaly. It was a pretty bad surprise... but I figure it must have been the root of my terrible hairloss. Today, in the midst of my graduate school applications, I decided to try a home remedy using coconut oil and sugar to exfoliate and nourish my scalp. I massaged the mix into my hair and let it sit for about 2 hours before rinsing it out... and goodness, what a shock I had.

This is only what fell in the shower.
There was more that fell whilst I was drying my hair.
It was terribly depressing.

It almost immediately brought back the post-op blues and I found myself wondering whether I should just shave all my hair off now or go for pixie cut (which I wouldn't have dared to do if my hair were in its original glory). I guess this is just part of the jaw surgery journey that I have to manage.

Part of me is pretty certain the hairfall is due to an immune system problem (with the weird stuff going on on my left foot, as well as some scaly skin patches on my left shin)...I think I'll go check it out at the polyclinic tomorrow.

I think I'm going to take the morning off from work tomorrow to go visit the doctors, as well as to sign up for a two-year gym package where I'll be able to get some pilates to stimulate my body a little. 

On the upside, I submitted part of my graduate school applications for a university in Singapore today. I have a professor who has encouraged me to submit for PhD in the States, but I don't have that type of courage yet with a lack of experience in the field of study I'm interested in. Part of me is excited that this part of my life - my love for the university - seems to be moving forward. I still owe them the GREs. But I'm just glad I got my essays in. :)

Day 98: Photoshoot Fears

I had a photoshoot today for a women's group that I'm involved in, and it was absolutely terrifying.

One of the photos we took.
I was glad to hide my face with the hat.

I never realized how shocked and scared I was about photo taking... not to mention how uncomfortable I felt. I was so self-conscious and worried about the way I was smiling - or not. I was worried about whether my face looked okay, whether I was looking like an alien, whether my swelling was making my face look fat, and whether my shortened face made me look like an imp. I totally didn't like so many shots... it was absolutely terrifying. Worse that I can't always tell how widely I'm smiling. At one point, I thought I was smiling, and one of the girls watching the shoot told me to smile... =_= Cooperate with me facial muscles!

For most of the day, I felt as if all my confidence was lost with my previous face which I was more comfortable with. I used to know what worked for my face, which angles to use, what styles worked for me... Now, more often than not, I find myself feeling that I look terrible in all photos of me.

It's weird.... but I kinda feel estranged from myself.
It's as if I don't really know myself anymore.

What I'm thankful for are friends who constantly remind me that it's not what I look like, but who I am... and those who also reassure me that the surgery was for the better. But yeah, I guess I am the greatest critic of myself.

I'm already 3 months post op and I'm surprised that I can't seem to get over this phase. Hope that things will be better soon.

On other notes:
I watched an episode of Running Man today and whilst I watched them be "punished" by one of the scariest roller coasters in the world in Taiwan, I realized that I probably won't be able to get on rollercoasters for a while! :( It looked SO awesome though!

Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMC07r8Pc8M
Fast forward to 5:47 - it's called The Screaming Condor. It's like an extreme viking ride.

Day 96

Pain Level: 2 - Teeth somehow feel really raw today.

Swelling: I am convinced that my face looks swollen, but it's actually fats.

Sleep last night: Meh. Woke up to my little sis banging on a lot of metallic stuff. Wasn't a good start.

Other weirdness: When I drink cold water or use mouthwash, very specific parts of my cheeks feel cold. It's as if there are "cold spots".

Mood: Tired

Please excuse the caps in the previous post. I was trying to use the Blogger app on my iPhone to test it out to see if it made blogging easier. The post looked completely fine on the app preview, but I was so shocked when I opened it today on the laptop. I have no idea how it became that way. I guess that's the last time I'm using the app.

I did go back and adjusted the font size, but it's a little too much for me to delete and retype everything sans-capitalization, so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I wasn't drunk writing that, I promise.

My body has been really tired these few days....and I'm starting to worry about the rate of my dropping hair. It's so bad that even my staff commented about it. Part of me is wondering if it's actually the supplements that I'm taking that is causing my hair to drop. Or more likely not enough sleep...

I think I'll start taking my "Sleep by 10pm" seriously.
Okay, off to try to get some rest.

Day 95? - Pain at Orthoman's

Pain Level: 1 - Ulcers have healed up a little. Teeth hurt like crap at Orthoman's yesterday though.  

Swelling: Numb part of lip with ulcers still swollen. I don't really know if the rest of my face is just fat now.

Sleep last night: Slept pretty late again... Totally unproductive. I need to get disciplined!

Other weirdness: I'm still really sensitive to metal. The fact that almost all Orthoman's took were metal was not fun.

Mood: A little tired due to lack of sleep. Glad that it's almost the end of the week.

Visiting Orthoman's yesterday was a little weird and pretty painful. It was just another round of changing the wires, but this time it really hurt (especially in my electrocutey area of my chin and lip). That and the fact that I'm really hyper sensitive to metal now, it was a really uncomfortable experience. Everytime Orthoman's tools touched my teeth as he was changing some of the bands on the brackets, it felt like he was digging/scratching part of my tooth out. I don't know how to describe it... Maybe it's a bit like nails on a chalkboard, except the nails are constantly scratching to create a crater in the board. Yuck. Even writing that is giving me the goosebumps. Just thinking of metal gives me the hibbijibbies. I tried explaining it to Orthoman yesterday and he said it's the first time he's heard of people becoming sensitive to metal... Guess I'm just weird.

Oh, I almost forgot... 

My teeth haven't been very cooperative these past few weeks. The last time I visited Orthoman, he mentioned that it was possible that we only needed two visits and that I might be able to take the braces of in two months... But at this visit, he said that the bite on one side was opening and I might be going back to bands again. :( that means that the removal of my braces is now postponed. Drats. Just when I thought I could celebrate my birthday without braces. Hopefully I'll make it in time for Christmas!

Day 93 (well, 94 now that it's past midnight): 3 months post-op update!

Pain Level: 2 - The numb part of my chin and lip has been hurting quite a bit these few days. I've somehow got two mouth ulcers around that area, and it is swollen. I'm getting a lot of electrocutey zaps throughout the day.

Swelling: General swelling is going down slowly now, though the right side of my face is still a little tight.

Sleep last night: Slept really late because I got caught up in work. Still been sleeping faced up because I'm afraid of messing the jaw up whilst it's healing. Been using a higher pillow than I was used to before the surgery (just in case I still have to keep the swelling in check).
Other weirdness: Twice I had a weird feeling in my upper palette and my eyes were somewhat forced to squint for a moment. It was weird. 

Mood: A little moody because of the ulcers, the swollen left part of my lower lip, and my sad left foot (see previous post)

Thought to drop in and write a little note about how things are at 3 months post-op.

Sad little ulcers. :(

I suppose most of the swelling on my face has subsided... perhaps with another 15% more to go. I'm still quite careful with my face though because I can still feel the tightness and a little swelling. There was a period of two or three days when I wasn't feeling too well, I developed some sort of fever and somehow my upper palette became a bit swollen and slightly soft (a little bit like how it was in the early post-op days) and that freaked me out a bit. But it subsided.

Till now, I still can't chew and that frustrates me quite a bit - especially that I LOVE vegetables. Even tearing simple greens like butterhead lettuce leaves is difficult. I generally give up and either use my hands/cutlery to tear them up into little pieces and swallow them whole, or leave it altogether. I guess patience is the name of the game. Still, it kinda sucks that I can't seem to chew.

I also can't quite open my mouth as wide as jaws are supposed to be able to (I've checked with my sisters and a few friends and they can go up to four or five fingers wide!). I'm hovering at one and a half and actually think it might be my current maximum. At my last visit with Orthoman, he advised me to do a little more exercise with my jaws to stretch the muscles a little. I guess it doesn't help that I don't really like to talk, and when I do it's pretty tiring after a while.

Other than that... Hair is still dropping and that's not fun either.

On the upside, I think I'm getting used to the fact that I've gone through the jaw surgery and I look a little different. To some extent I think I'm also quite appreciating the results....but more so, the fact that I had gone through this experience with a courage I didn't know I had.

These days, life has been mostly about work and about governmental policies - of which the cases that I have had to deal with these past few months are a little too complicated to share. But let's just say that I've spent most of the past few months analyzing a specific policy due to the circumstances at work, and spent a few hours today drawing up a flow chart and drafting a long explanatory email to illustrate the exact problems with the policy.

Gosh, it's 2 in the morning.
I gotta get to sleep... Another long day tomorrow.

Day 83: Identifying with other types of sick people and weird stuff.

It's 4am in the morning and here I am writing a post because my sleep cycle has somehow been turned on its head a bit for the past few weeks. I don't know if it's stress from work, or just part of the recovery journey, but I haven't been able to sleep early.

It's been a tough few weeks in the sense that I've grown to identify with some aspects of three types of sicknesses in the world...well, two sicknesses, and one aging problem. With the issues I've faced, I've felt like an old lady, an Alzheimer's patient, and a cancer patient.

The Old Lady

There are a lot of things age takes away from you, and one of those abilities are that of chewing properly... except that my current inability to chew isn't from aging. I think it's a combination of the sensitivity of my jaws and teeth, as well as my fear of biting into something that will mess everything up, that has left me - at almost 3 months post-op - still tearing/cutting things into itty bits and swallowing them whole.

I met with Surgeonman last week, and when I told him that I can't seem to chew, he seemed a little shocked and joked that he didn't want me turning into an "auntie" (which is the local slang for an old woman). Thing is, I'm totally not used to my new bite and it really freaks me out that I might bite something and find my jaws locked in some weird position or something. Maybe it's a confidence issue that will build over time.

I haven't been losing weight though - in fact, I've put back 4 of the 10 kilos I lost from the first couple of weeks of syringing. I think after those first few weeks of close to nothing in my body because I had no appetite at all, my metabolism is probably at a rock bottom low and everything now that is put into my mouth now immediately goes into some "just in case" fat storage or something. Silly body. Stop it!

The Alzheimer's Patient

I now have an even deeper appreciation for the parts of the movie "The Notebook" where it shows Ally getting all worked up because of Alzheimer's. Being unable to remember is THOROUGHLY frustrating.

Not funny.

I have been forgetful. REALLY forgetful. And it feels horrible... especially when I forget things that I should remember. Names, people, plans, things to do, stuff I was just talking about and lost my train of thought mid-conversation... it's terrible. I literally asked my staff "What was I just talking about?" at least 4 times today in a span of 3 hours during our discussions. And today, I met a girl and asked her who she was, and as the group discussion went on and I listened to the comments she made and the little snippets she shared about herself, I realized that I might have had a really long conversation with her a few weeks back and had given her a ride home. I don't remember when or where that happened, but it was like a vague memory... and I honestly don't often forget people - especially when I've spent a while with them and heard from them. This forgetfulness makes one feel silly, stupid, and somewhat irresponsible. It's not fun and I really don't enjoy it.

I did a little search today and found that there's a real medical post-operative forgetfulness thing called "Post Operative Cognitive Dysfunction" otherwise known an POCD which is caused by general anesthesia... un-fun fact: its effects can be long-term. :( There goes my dreams of becoming a university professor. :(( The recommendation I've read so far is to take a gingko-biloba supplement. Great, ANOTHER supplement. I'm already taking a Vitamin C + D tablet, an Omega 3 capsule, a Vitamin B tablet, and another for my hair.

From zero supplements to popping seven a day... maybe I should explore natural remedies.

The Cancer Victim

There are a lot of things I remember about watching my sister's experience with cancer, but one of the tough parts of that was seeing her hair shaved off and how that affected her self-esteem. There was a lot in that phase of life for her, but I remember that the day she decided to allow my mum to just shave it all off, it really hurt me watching her suffer through that. But I guess I'm now experiencing a tiny little hint of what that felt like for her.

Even with my silica hair supplements, my hair has not stopped dropping. It literally drops so much, I am now afraid to wash it daily. Even tonight, the little drain hole in my shower got clogged because of all the hair that decided to leave me. It isn't a positive experience at all, especially as a woman. My hair is supposed to be my "crowning glory" darn it!

I'm thinking I should go and see a trichologist or something now... :( It's terribly depressing.

Other Weird Stuff

Imagine this sound
flowing through your bones. Yuck.

I have found myself VERY sensitive to the sound and feeling of metal on metal, or generally things that involve some sort of metal vibrations. Like when the metal zipper of my bag accidentally scratched against my Macbook pro cover, or when I hold a metal fork or spoon whilst eating and it taps on my ceramic plate. The sound/feeling somehow gives me the goosebumps and I feel like I can feel the vibrations through my bones or something!

It's really weird. I'm starting to think I'm one of the weirdest jaw surgery patients around. >_>


On Happier Notes...

• My jaw can now open almost two fingers apart! Surgeonman says my lack of ability to open as wide (my sister can open her jaw 4 fingers apart!) is due to a jaw rotational thing I have to work on... but I think in time, with the exercises, things should improve.
• I have now gone back to using my normal sized tooth brush. I didn't quite choose that - because what really happened was that I accidentally bumped my baby toothbrush straight into the toilet - but I guess it's a good thing somewhat. Not a big deal, but just something more "normal" I've graduated back to.

Okay, enough writing...time to try to get to sleep. It's almost five in the morning! And I have work today!

Day 72: Just walking through life.

I can't quite chew yet, but I've been pretty much eating anything. My jaws are still pretty tight and I can barely open more than one finger wide.... but hopefully with daily jaw exercises, things will loosen up and get better. My lip has been stinging quite a bit recently - especially when I am worked up about something and speak in an upset/angry tone. I guess it's stimulation that affects the nerves.

Yesterday, I felt as if something was stuck at the back of one of my lower molars (or that it was some gross plaque that was building up) so I decided to be a little more thorough with brushing around that area... and I don't know what I did, but when I rinsed my mouth out, I found that I had a considerable amount of blood in my mouth. It took me quite a few mouth rinses and it freaked me out quite a bit because the water kept running out a copper blood-stained colour, but I think it clotted up soon after. But gosh! Not fun.

Been in a very much reflective mood recently. The stress of work and life has been getting to me, and it's not very healthy. Part of me feels like I've lost myself somewhere these past five years - with entering the business, losing one of my best friends, the big break up, depression, surgeries, issues with work... it's just been a bit too much for me I think.

Part of me is just so tired of life right now. Overwhelmed, maybe.
It just feels like I've lost a big part of myself for a long time and I don't really know where I am at or who I am/want to be. It's like I just need a breath of fresh air of life, or a holiday by myself or something.

Day 62: Bands and Hooks are off!

Pain Level: 1 - Was pretty bad at Orthoman's when he was doing a lot of work on my teeth, but the pain has now dissipated down to just the little electrocutey zaps on my numb lip area and a little aching in the back of my jaws.

Swelling: Apparently going down by the day according to my staff.

Sleep last night: Went to bed REALLY tired.

Other weirdness: I think most of my stitches have dropped out though I think some are still in hiding somewhere. The other day, one of my stitches dropped out in the middle of an important meeting I was at. I figured I couldn't imagine holding it in my mouth for 2 hours, so I swallowed it. Yay fibre. =_=

Mood: Contemplative.

So I finally got to see Orthoman yesterday (after missing the appointment last Wednesday) and it made me a really happy girl. :)

At a little over 2 months post-op, my bands are off! And now all I need to focus on now is

1. Getting my jaws to open wider by exercising and stretching my jaw muscles
2. Getting my nerves in my chin and lip to heal back into full operational ability

All bands, surgical hooks
 and thick wires off. :)

The appointment with Orthoman was a pretty painful one though as there was a lot of stretching and pulling. What he basically did was take out the wires that he had banded in pre-surgery, as well as removed the surgical hooks. I never knew how sensitive my chin, lips and some of my teeth were till he had to do so much work on them! I could somehow feel everything so much more! And once, he pressed down on something that really hurt, I couldn't help but wince and made a pained sound. I guess Orthoman heard me, and he whispered a gentle "sorry", and that totally kept me alright for the rest of the process. It's amazing how a gentle apology and indication of genuine care totally carried me through the whole process - pain and all. I'm such a softie :). But I'm totally thankful for Orthoman. :) <3

So my bands, wire holds, and surgical hooks are off...and I think he also changed out my main holding wires (the main ones that bend around the teeth). No more snapping or digging into my cheeks and creating ulcers! Yay! I guess this is a good place to be.

On the softer, more emotional side of things, these days I've still been struggling with getting back on track in life.

I somehow seem to have lost my sense of drive and determination regarding work and life in general. I've been headed into the office, but with a lack of passion. I've been going to meetings, but with a lack of follow up. I've been talking to people, but with a lack of commitment. I have been trying to get some exercise in, and to regulate my sleep patterns, but with a lack of discipline. It's pretty frustrating. Part of me wonders if I'm carrying a low-grade depression that I refuse to acknowledge. It's really easy for others to judge and say "just force yourself to do this and that", but it's really much harder (or at least it feels like it) when you're on this side. And I guess it's especially knowing that there will be people who will judge and say nasty things, that people who struggle choose not to express or tell people about their depression - which really isn't healthy.

Today, I'm home from work to focus and try to overcome this. Perhaps it's just a matter of cleaning out my environment and just getting things in my scheduler and being able to see into the next few months ahead.

Okay post-surgery depression, I'm going to overcome you!

---------------------

Oh, and regarding the alumni gathering. It went alright. I was pretty brave that I even dared to take pictures. Even a selfie with a friend. :) As so:

We got some hats at the photobooth and just had to take a photo. :)

It amazed me how many people knew about my surgery and asked me how I was. :) Thank God people have transitioned through with me! I am so thankful! And thank God for the reach of Facebook. I've also recently changed my FB profile pic to a new post-op one too...I suppose I'm starting to accept the changes. And based on the fact that people actually like the photo, I've been encouraged that this post-op transition is going to be alright. :) I am humbled and thankful.

Day 57: New Haircut! :)

Pain Level: 0 - No pain. :) And jaws are a lot less sensitive.

Swelling: I don't really know anymore, but I'd like to think there's more to go down.

Sleep last night: Only slept at 630 this morning as I got too excited about work. :) But got something like 5 hours after... and under-eye circles. :(
Other weirdness: Been snapping bands like no one's business. Yay eating. :)

Mood: Happy. :)

Nothing much to report...except that I happily went to the hair salon and got a haircut today! 

A new haircut was supposed to be Month 3's reward, but I just had to do something about my hair to prep for my event tomorrow. I was so glad to see my hair stylist and visiting the salon always makes me super happy. Next Hair Salon at Holland Village has THE BEST hairwash in Singapore (at least that I know so far in all my life). :) I did have a weird creepy experience with my hairwasher this time though... In the middle of the hairwash, whilst my eyes were closed, he leaned in and kinda said in my ear "Am I too hard?" (referring to the pressure of the massage that is part of the hairwash) with a weird deep voice...it was creepiness central, but other than that, the hairwash was still awesome. :) 

I love how awesome my stylist is. He just makes me so happy... there's just something about getting my hair cut and blown well. :) I was a bit hesitant about getting bangs...especially when my stylist made reference to Taylor Swift, but I'm glad I just courageously did it. I think it was a pretty great decision.

Gonna see Orthoman tomorrow morning! Can't wait!

Just another happy day at the salon.