Be Free

It's 6am in London and although I can feel that the storm in me is still more gloomy than the weather, I'm grateful to be here. It has been a long time since I woke up peacefully at 5am. And even longer that I've woken up and opted to write.

I guess being in a timezone so different from "normal life" back in Singapore helps some. I am still concerned for the kitchens and bakeries back home, but I will just have to find a way to balance out my goals for coming here (whatever they may be) as well as my responsibilities back home. 

The flight here was wonderful. I sat next to an lady in her 80s who was born during the time of the second World War. And it was so refreshing to speak to her about politics, and life in general. The conversation was natural and easy. 

I wrote some on the plane and thought to store it here...

I dont know if anyone still reads here, but if you do, tell me what you think?

"Be Free"

(Written on a plane from Singapore to London, 15 May 2024）

There are days far worse than these.

Even though life is parched in the desert, and the darkness of the void is tangible.

These days where the noise is deafening, and even the quiet blares.

There are days far worse than these.

There are days far worse than these.

Where the lines between good and evil are blurred by the pride of intellect or the charm of emotions.

And decisions are made with and above the analytical mind whilst the chained heart watches and wanes.

There are days far worse than these.

There are days far worse than these.

Where the screams for hope, for light, in the darkness are met with blindness and hallucinations of silver linings concoted by the darkness itself.

And yet they believe - it is not so bad after all.

Surely there are days far worse than these.

What good is there in believing that there are worse days?

'I am parched, but I will give life to survive."

"The darkness has befallen, but at least it has not consumed me whole."

The end has not yet come, but it is approaching.

What good is there in believing that there are worse days?

Run.

Run from these days, and the days far worse than these - for they are coming after you.

Leave them to consume themselves, and let them devour their own.

They do not belong to you, nor you to them.

Crashing cymbals, blaring horns, they rally you as a warcry to stay with the darkness.

Empty blows. A swipe at the wind.

You are not free. You are but a puppet and prisoner.

And one day you will tire and give in.

Run.

Take a deep breath and move like the wind.

Go to the places they never want to go.

They will chase you, but their strength will wane as their grip of you fails.

There is little time left, but there is still breath.

Break into the light, they cannot touch you there.

Be Free.

the deviation

I meant to write this earlier in March... but only got so far as the title (according to the date-stamp on this draft).

As I re-read my posts, I saw the deviation.

I used to live a life to inspire others. "Aspire to Inspire" was my mantra - and everything I did revolved around it. The choices I made, the activities I got involved in, the friends I chose, and the things I wrote... everything in me wanted to simply make a positive difference to the world in some small way. Even if it were some silly thoughts I randomly scribbled down and publicly posted somewhere, if I could make a little light in a stranger's life, even if I never knew about the tiny difference I made, that was good enough for me.

And yet, look at the deviation.

And with the deviation came the snowballs effects - physical, emotional, mental, social - so many things have changed since. I've put on so much weight, I'd started battling a lingering darkness, friends have come and gone, and some  -  the kind long-suffering ones - have kindly stayed. I've done my best to be a better human in this phase towards the ones I love and care about, and yet I am also aware how limited that capacity has become amidst the drain of life's circumstances. 

I've heard about the theory of how women enter this "masculine energy" because they were in circumstances that they felt they had to be this courageous protector and warrior of sorts - simply to stay alive. Perhaps that's what happened to me.

But I don't want to be this person anymore - it's tiring.

I don't want to be called "brave", or "strong" or even "inspirational", anymore.

I miss my simpler life of enjoying sundresses, and walks, and markets, and other girly things I took joy in.

As much I feel like I'm a late bloomer in a lot of phases of life - in that of relationships, and love, and learning to interact with humans in general - yet, at the same time, I feel like I've jumped a few years with the zone I'm in now. I feel like I've entered a season where I just want to have a simple peaceful life. I do not need any titles, or awards, or accolades, or praises. I just want a small space in the world where I can just be peaceful.

And when I go, I only want to be known as "kind". And, if I may be so honoured, perhaps also be remembered as "loving".

They needn't know my name. 
They need not know where I come from.
They need not even know that I made a tiny difference to them feeling like a significant being in this world.

This is how I will live out the rest of my life - to simply choose to show a little kindness, and hints of love - to humans, and animals, and to plants, alike.
And maybe that's how I will return back to aspiring to inspire...
Except, perhaps now as an unimportant stranger.

A few drinks later

My shoulders are still heavy.

And all I can think about is how I loved you.
The pain is familiar - comforting and excruciating.

What sort of cruel one-way imprint sorcery is this?
Perhaps you are the cigarette I pull when life gets too hard... a slow suicide without harming anyone but myself. Like the way one cuts to find a pain greater than the one in the present, just to distract from the current.... but pain nonetheless.

I have been a good girl pretty much my whole life. I've done everything I could to be a good human thus far in my brief fleeting life.
Why do I deserve this?


Waiter, a pint of happiness please.

#uncuratedreallife

The list

My heart died last week. 

It happened after a series of events and confusions that eventually ended with me going into a full-force lash out/meltdown. After that, my heart just died.

From that incident, I just had three days to help the company push through the CNY rush. I threw myself fully into it - the pastry production, the springcleaning, the work - afterall, this was all I knew... this was all my life revolved around for years on end. I gave up so many things for this, hoping I could fix this. I thought I could mend a land that was dying. I thought I could bring it to flourish. Instead, it overwhelmed me. I was simply not good enough. But I pushed myself and chose to be responsible and all till the end of the season, even if it killed me. But I am not good enough. And it did - it killed me.

At the end of it - exhausted emotionally and physically - I felt a second death inside.

I was so broken.

Having given so much to the business, I only have a very small handful of friends... of which I perhaps only trust three. At the lowest point, I tried to find help in this circle...

One, I was thankful took time to walk with me on a particularly low day.
Another was having too much fun and drinking when she picked up my call.
And the third, my most trustworthy perhaps, responded too quickly in a way that caused a lot more hurt than she probably realized.

At the end of that, I've found...perhaps isolation is not such a bad thing after all.

Perhaps it is a necessary part of my journey to just go out into the world being comfortable with it being just me and my cat... of all the statistically average 5-7 years left of his life with me (assuming he lives to 12 or so).

Now with the lunar new year break, I have had time to myself... I have decided that I will go.

But before I do, I need to finish a list.

1. Bake J's cake. Of all the guys in my life, he's probably been the one I've gone to with some of the hardest of times. I have been so thankful for him. I care for him deeply, but he's also very guarded - and I think I can understand why. I owe him a birthday cake. I don't know why he chose such a complicated cake. But I'm going to try. It's the least I could do to say thank you before I leave. 

2. Get some work stuff together that I owe some of my team - a cheque I need to find, a contract I need to locate, and the rest of the seasonal menus for the year (maybe this I can send at a later time) - just to help them tide over whilst they replace me and find their footing again.

3. A list of things that my siblings need to watch out for when it comes to the parents. There are so many things I worry about so often that I suppose comes with being the only single of my siblings and living with my parents... but I just can't bear the burden anymore. I've done all I can for the family all my life. I need to be able to trust them to care enough to now take over. Or maybe this they will figure out over time once I'm gone.

4. Extract myself from the company totally. Probably going to be the most complicated administratively as the company relied a lot on my credit score to support it through Covid and the really difficult seasons. It's going to be painful, but I have to just cut things off so they can be independent and do much better without me.

5. Donating/Selling/Throwing away stuff. If Socs and I are going to have to be mobile, I am going to have to travel very light. I don't want anything left here. If the parents can rent out my room, it might also help them. I don't need much. I just need a backpack, a pair of slippers, shoes, and boots, perhaps a rainjacket and a bottle of water... okay, I need to start a more detailed list for this, or - given the interest of time -  perhaps I should just go and wing it along the way.

I suppose that's it.

This is my closing list.

This is part of the journey. 
Even though it hurts, I choose to trust the process.

I start on this tonight.

The capacity to care

I have no more capacity to care.
Be clear, that this is different from the capacity to love.
Perhaps one is a subset of another, but for today, to protect the goodness I still hope I have, they are disparate.

I have no more capacity for passive aggressive behaviours.
I already have my own demons to fight, on somedays it takes all of me to stay alive. I'd much rather not deal with yours as well.

I have no capacity for your wounds, including the new ones you make.
I already have my own, and I am doing everything I can to not think about them.

I have no capacity for your brattish inclinations.
I already have people in my life that I love that I expend my limited energies to care for.

I have no capacity for your illogical unwise decisions.
"I told you so" no longer works, because I've already given up on cautioning you.

I guess I'm writing today because I'm concerned that my capacities are depleting...
Like a tired nurse in a war-zone with depleting supplies... sooner or later you will have to harden your heart to those you used to help, and embrace the darkness that accepts mortality wholeheartedly.

What is this darkness that lingers so long?
Has it enjoyed my company so much that it has set up camp for the long run?
Or perhaps it is on a mission - determined to douse my protected flame of idealistic kindness.

And yet I choose to struggle against it.
For darkness is insignificant in this world that is already clouded over.

What is it to be a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and yet find oneself the exhausted lost wanderer; pillaged by the journey thus far?

Focus:

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Where is the love?

The in-between

 Have you ever found yourself in a place where you feel like you don't quite fit in?

As if in a place of tribes, except you are alone - in the void between... an invisible space where no one can detect nor consider acknowledging the possibility of its existence.

I suppose it could be a beautiful place. Like a plain where one could grow a vast orchard... where fruits would abound and flower with life. And yet, on some days (perhaps most days where one does not have the energy of optimism) it's an empty vacuum... suffocating, and relentlessly dim.

And yet, would you share this land you live in?

Would you ask for another to visit?

Surely love would shut the light out - for fearing the darkness would douse its beauty.

Outside this shifting landscape, the value of the land seems worthless.
Who would trust this space - where one day it may be a gleaming palace, and the next, a toxic wasteland.
Surely there are places safer than this... even a small patch of grass would offer more security.


And yet, this space demands to be commanded.
Can its master lay claim and chart its destiny?

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible options...as you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.
https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFs

Attempts at piecing things together.

Ive just gotten back from three weeks away in Japan on business. It was supposed to be a work and holiday thing, but I suppose I'm not very good at mixing the two.

Having been struggling with the business, and my health, we thought it was good time to get out and do something to change the business model. To hopefully open new roads and change the winds a little.

We pretty much travelled through almost half of Japan - starting with Tokyo and ending down south in Kagoshima. The scenery changed so much from the towering heights of skyscrapers and bright lights of Tokyo to the farms of Kagoshima... we saw a lot. And ate a lot. :)

But in my mind, I missed England a lot. It's weird. I don't know why I feel like I have this affinity with London. I just love so much about it. The accent, the chivalry, the fruits, the food, the culture... perhaps I just have not seen the worser parts of it. Perhaps I should ask my friends in England what they dislike most about their culture and maybe I'd have a more temperate disposition toward it.

Has anyone ever wondered about the person you are?
I ask myself a lot of questions about that...and somehow I feel like I don't really know myself. Is it weird to think that I need to discover myself backward in order to move forward?

It's a little noisy in my mind now. I should try to piece things together before I write again.

WTA Finals and thoughts

Today was the first time that I have attended a professional tennis match live. I was technically there on business, but there were many thoughts I had. The game reminded me of the fencing matches I saw at the Southeast Asian Games in Singapore - the same ones I sat in feeling lost and confused about life a year or two ago. I remember sitting in the benches and texting my fencing Coach about what I should do about life...  I'll have to go back to that chat and do a little reading.

Many thoughts tonight.

Happy in the moment.

I've been up since 4am, but considering that I must have slept at about midnight, I'm pretty happy that I was able to wake up so early. I pretty much prayed that God would wake me up so that I could get to my bakery today, but I surprised myself by choosing not to go. I chose instead to stay in bed, did some quiet time, listened to some minimalism videos and asked myself what I wanted to do with my life.

I stayed there for a good hour and a half or so. I eventually got up, showered and now am sitting down with a nice cup of tea and simply enjoying my little space in life now as the smells of the cool early morning rain wafts through the house.

For the past few weeks I've been working on my minimalism project. I kinda mashed a couple of minimalism and decluttering concepts together - mainly that of the 4-box method, the Konmari method, as well as the minimalism challenge of trying to get down to (hopefully) 300 things. But I've targeted first the goals of establishing exactly how many things I have and getting it down to 700 first. I'm still a little nervous about the higher 700-item target - considering that I already have slightly over a hundred items of clothing (not including all my accessories and shoes!).

I've started on clearing out my administrative life about a week back and it has been going great so far. I've finally sorted out most of my most important files of finances and insurance that were bothering me and I just have that of clearing through my personal portfolio and some other random papers I've kept since my university days. I need to go through books as well. I'll prolly get that done by the end of this week.

Interestingly, what this journey has done so far has been more uncomfortable than not. I've been challenged to look at areas of myself that I've disliked - including some kind of irrational fear of finishing or completing things... which perhaps is linked to other irrational fears I have... but that's something I think I'll have to dig deeper and figure out over time. It's a little complicated because I will think of weird things like how "complete" is "complete"? Which, perhaps sounds randomly philosophical, but it makes a little more sense when I talk about my embroidery project...or any art form. What's to say that a work is really "complete"? Only the artist knows, right? But how about the perfectionist artist? It's probably rare for them to ever say that any of their pieces are "completed".

This is a lesson about "letting go" isn't it? :)

Okay, enough thoughts for the morning. :) I shall enjoy another half an hour of it simply sitting with some of my other files and planning what tonight's organization project is going to be.

This year's motto: Simplify to Clarify.

It's good to say that I'm happy right now, even if just for this simple, quiet, moment.

To live for myself

It's almost 3 in the morning and let's just say I've come here to once again commit to a reboot.

I've decided that I'm just going to focus on my life and my stuff now. I'm not going to think about everyone else's life, issues, problems, hopes, dreams, and clutter. I'm just going to focus on mine and getting mine in order.

I've restarted my de-cluttering/minimalism project. Except that this time I'm actually going to take stock of everything I own and hopefully get down to a manageable number (whilst I try to tune out all the other rubbish that exists around me).

I have to own my own life, health, relationships and my own success.
I am choosing to run my life the way I feel it should be run - a fulfilling 5-day workweek, a clean and simple room and office, a sustainable and growing financial state, time for family friends and personal hobbies, and a healthy mind and spiritual walk with the Lord. THAT is how my life is going to be run.

I keep getting asked this question about "What is your passion?" "What would you stay up all night doing?" and taking an honest look inside... these are my weird and wonderful answers (because this is who I am).

Ariela would stay up all night
1. Organizing and Cleaning (which I LOVE)
2. Doing up a jigsaw puzzle (solving something?)
3. Playing some game
4. Blogging/Writing (as I'm evidently doing now)
5. Maybe doing some cool craft activity like embroidery or cross stich or knitting... if I had some sort of project.
6. Maybe cleaning out some data (which is much like #1)
7. Reading/researching/writing about something that really interests me.

I also have stayed up all night trying to get through some Korean drama series or movie marathon, but I doubt that's going to be revenue generating in any way.

So here we go.

I am writing this because I'm going to use myself as a social experiment subject about whether de-cluttering will really help improve one's mental, physical, emotional, and financial health. I'm going to take stock of all I own and throw out everything that is not me, or that I do not love (including relationships/friendships). And everything I'm going to focus on for the next few months would be whether I am truly interested in it and whether it brings me joy. If it doesn't, I will drop it (unless it's some sort of responsibility, of course).

But other than that, I'm just going to not give two wits about any one else's opinion on how I should run my life anymore.
I believe that I've been a good girl most of my life (that I don't intend to change), and I've got some pretty solid values I will not waver from... the only difference is that I'm now deciding that I'm not going to run my life the way everyone else would like me to.

I need to respect myself as a human. I'm not a puppet. I'm not someone else's dream/hope box. I am not someone else's crutch. I am not someone else's servant/secretary.

I am a unique individual, made with unique gifts and talents. I am a unique human blessed with dreams and hopes of my own.

I am taking back control of my life.
No other human should be given those reins.
Only God owns me and if He changes tack, I'll go with it.
Beyond that, I simply can't live someone else's expectations or try to help someone else to "straighten out their lives" for them anymore. There are too many people whom I've been trying to make happy... and it feels like I've been living life for so many people, but not really for myself.

Let me take care of mine now... and if God calls me to help you with yours, trust me that I'll come running. But for now, I need to love myself more.

First step, back to decluttering and minimizing my life to the basics of what I really love.

a little fear

Is it possible that one of the basic human fears is that of being left behind?

There's just something about the need of feeling relevant. Of feeling like you're somewhat ahead of the curve, or at least on par with the rest of the world.

Today I wonder if I've been left behind.

Perhaps it's because I've somehow reached a stage of physical maturity where people now quite often ask me if I'm so-and-so's wife, or whether I'm married. It's become so recurrent nowadays that it's somehow something that I actually have to consider how to respond to... or at least I've been somewhat tempted that I should have some sort of plethora of creative responses beyond my normal embarrassed "no"-and-blush routine.

It's weird - this stage of life.

I wonder if this is in any way normal.

I should really invest my time thinking about more useful things.

from a place of mistrust

Today I'm writing from a place of mistrust. It's as if a glass of hot water has been poured over a flame that I expected to set off fireworks. Or rather that I found the flame more harmful than helpful as I had hoped and expected it to be. I thought it was a blessing - a light to guide the way - and yet, I've been getting burned.

I've come to a crossroads where I realize that a lot of life is a game of cards... and that trust is underrated - with all certainty.

I suppose I have learned a few things - though I wish it weren't this costly a lesson:
1. Never fully trust a sweet talker.
2. Always look for actions.
3. Be ready with a contingency plan - always.
4. Trust your gut and the wisdom of many. Listen to it. Trust those thoughts - more than the excuses.

I feel like part of me is changing... like the idealistic me is becoming more aware of how not-idealistic the world actually is.

God, what are Your thoughts?
 Please make things clear.

On love and singlehood

It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm blogging in Singapore Changi airport whilst waiting for a staff to arrive.

It was a pretty interesting past weekend... What with me taking on a challenge of meeting someone random from an online dating site, and having a real-life brush with being hit on by some guy in a GrabCar. This weekend I was posed with some questions that I never really had to give an answer for - at least not to non-aunties.

I was commented on and asked questions by these two men...
"I think you're very pretty, why are you still single?"
"I'm sure you have a lot of guys chasing you."
"You don't look single. Such a pretty lady cannot be single."
"Are you picky? Or just oblivious?"

And other random stuff like that.
Of course there was some creepy stuff that ensued with the GrabCar guy - including "Where do you live? Where do you work? Can you add me on Facebook?..." To which my super-introverted self pretty much freaked out to.

It's a pretty weird feeling for me, tbh.
Contrary to what these guys seem to think, I really haven't had too much experience with guys... Nor have I had the experience of being hit on so directly. I am honestly so inexperienced that the only social-defense-ammunition I had in my head was to try to answer politely and yet find a way to disengage from the conversation (which seemed a far better option to jumping out of the moving car). Perhaps it may seem weird to some (considering I'm "supposed" to be a grown woman of some sort), but it was an utterly terrifying experience to inexperienced-me.

Beyond terrifying, what the experiences did was that they created a certain disconcerted feeling within about my singleness. Disconcerted for the fact that I was caught off guard with no social rules for how to respond to such uncomfortable advances, and disconcerted for the types of questions that I was posed with and an uncertainty to why I've been apparently so "unlucky in love" when these guys apparently thought that I shouldn't be.

I ended up spending the evening talking to my sister and my father about these encounters and gleaned some insights (I believe that a 3rd party point of view can be a lot more accurate, and provide a quicker access to truth, than introspection sometimes).

This is what I gleaned from their perspectives:
- I've apparently have had guys hit on me before, but I was oblivious and/or have forgotten
- My sister thinks that the observation that I am pretty is accurate (which I actually disagree with)
- My father believes that because I treasure loyalty so much, that part of me is still sillyly thinking that I need to continue to be faithful to my ex-boyfriend (which I partially disagree with. "partially" for the fact that I don't know if it's a blindspot in me somewhere).

I've had another chef also ask me "How old are you?" "Are you married?" "Why not?"

It's weird. I've never been asked such questions at such a high frequency over such a short period of time.
Maybe I'm starting to look old... and that I need to get on with that part of life faster. Or something.

Many thoughts.

Whole30 Journey: More shopping and home-cooked tuna cakes :)

Yay! Tuna Cake success!
Recipe Below.

How I'm feeling:

Peaceful

Sunday

Breakfast: 

Tuna Cakes with half an avocado and some tomato

Lunch: 

Lemongrass tea

Snack: 

A small apple and some cashews

Dinner:

Leftover breakfast :)

Monday

Breakfast: 

Tuna Cake Sushi - Tuna with Alfalfa and Cherry Tomatoes rolled in roasted seaweed

Some pineapple slices

Lunch: 

Green Tea

Dinner:

Carrot Cake LaraBar (so delish!)

Tuna seaweed roll with cherry tomatoes (I ran out of alfalfa >_<)

I have to say I had a really good weekend. One solid "me-time" weekend (even though I popped into office for just a little bit on Saturday). I haven't had a solid weekend to myself in a really long time. Perhaps it's this awareness that I have to take care of my health that I've started realizing the importance of taking care of other areas of my life too. Work has somehow now taken a secondary place in my life. Stuff needs to get done, yes, but health needs to come first.

The discipline that has come with doing the Whole 30 has helped me tremendously in this I suppose. I've become more aware of the things I eat and of getting some exercise into my daily routine...even though it's mainly been just walking.

I pretty much spent most of my Saturday with my father (which I really appreciated because I haven't spent time with him in a REALLY long time). We just went out and I tried to teach him about nutrition along the way. He's really been struggling with this new daily routine of having to take heart and diabetic pills after his heart attack. It pretty much demands a lifestyle change that's totally unfamiliar to him. He has never really had to take pills in his life. I suppose it doesn't help either that his favourite foods are amongst the likes of chicken rice, char kway teow, and prata (standard delicious Singaporean fare).

So I've finished the Whole30 book (though I think the first book - "It Starts with Food" - was a much more useful "left-brain" kinda book for me) and I've left it with my mother in hopes that her understanding of nutrition will also help influence the foods we choose to put in our house. I'm hoping it will educate her a little so she will stop eating really unhealthy things like Fish & Chips and letting my dad gobble up her leftovers. I really worry for his health a lot. I love my dad and would like him to live a long time. <3

Sunday was an awesome day of spending time with girlfriends and supermarket shopping at Parkway Parade!

I think since the Whole30, I've been obsessed with supermarkets and what my food options are. I didn't get to pick up the canned mushrooms and bamboo shoots because they were too heavy for me to lug around, but I got a whole ton of other stuff. I can't wait to get my hands on some bamboo shoots though! I miss eating crunchy non-nuts things. :)

Here's some pics from my Sunday shopping trip and my haul!

I got them from Cold Storage, Fish Mart Sakuraya, and this awesome store called Four Seasons Organic Market. They're all at the basement of Parkway Parade in Katong. :) I was a happy girl.

Here's Four Seasons Organic Market.
I was happy with all the options!
It was like a little paradise for me... but you still gotta read your labels here.

I wasn't sure if I could eat this, but I took a picture anyway just for reference. 

This place has the largest variety of LaraBars that I have seen in Singapore so far. :)
Hurrah! Gold mine!

They had other brand options too but it seemed only "The Primal Pantry" ones that were Whole30 compliant.

I've been wanting seaweed so I bought some to make some non-grain sushi. :)
Only the Roasted ones were compliant. All the 'Seasoned Seaweed"s had sugar and soy in them.
I did see one seasoned seaweed in the Korean market that was made with only Sesame Oil,
but that's grey area I don't want to play in.

Here's my final haul for the day (other than the seaweed).
The bars and the coconut slices were from Four Seasons, the cocoa was from Cold Storage.

These were from Cold Storage! Don't they sound delicious? Not to mention they were on clearance...
but it turns out that sprouted flaxseed is not really Whole30 so I had to give it away. :(

STUFF I COOKED/ATE

This was the making of my Tuna Cakes.
In there I have:

1 can of tuna chunks in olive oil (drained)
5 cloves of garlic (finely diced)
1 medium onion (diced)
1 large stalk of celery (diced)
About half a cup of coconut flour
Paprika
Garlic Powder
Cracked Black Pepper
2 eggs

It tasted...mainly of coconut at first, but the garlic powder (not salt!) and the paprika evened it out.
I need to have a less pungent binder. Maybe I'll try with less coconut flour and more egg next time.

This was what my plate looked like. It was SO filling.
I actually was full at that first cake and some avocado later.

This was what I totally couldn't eat anymore.
I think I definitely should have stopped earlier.
Interestingly, I thought the hot sauce spoiled the natural flavours so I didn't quite touch it in the end.

This was breakfast this morning.
I LOVE seaweed and I thought to make things more interesting today.

I definitely miss sushi, but this will have to do. And it was pretty good actually.
I think it'd have tasted better with some avocado...or cheese. I miss cheese. >_<

This was my delicious Carrot Cake LaraBar.
I love it that I can actually see bits of carrot in it. :)

PHYSICAL WINS

I've been waking up at about 7ish am in the morning that hasn't happened for a long time. I believe the quality of my sleep has also improved. I slept in for an hour more this morning though... but I think it was more of a Monday-morning thing. Also cause I could. :)

Another interesting (and hopefully not TMI) thing that I've noticed is that it seems my toilet-time regularity has improved. It looks like my body now knows to empty itself of waste first thing in the morning. I used to be constipated for a couple of days and probably averaged number 2s something like 3 times a week? So I suppose it's quite nice to have a daily "emptying" in the morning for the past few days. It's a nice start to the day.

The first week of me embarking on the Whole 30 saw me having some weird tummy troubles, but I wasn't sure if it was because of my flu. But anyway, I'm glad that that has kinda cleared up.

WEIRD THINGS

A friend I met yesterday said I was looking "pale". I didn't think that it was too much of a compliment. I thought I was supposed to have rosy cheeks or something with the clean eating. Maybe it's just a process. :)

I've gotten two bumps on my back. I don't think they are "back pimples" but I really hope not. I haven't ever gotten things like that in my life. In fact I've probably only ever gotten like 2 pimples in my life, so this is really weird for me. Please go away soon!

CHALLENGES

I know I'm supposed to be eating three square meals a day, but I realized that that part of discipline has been really hard for me - especially at work. Thing is, I usually have breakfast around 10am and somehow this new "protein-loading" in the morning keeps me full for a really long time...and when it hits something like 4 or 5pm, it's pretty much almost dinner time so I usually just have a snack (which I know is not supposed to be allowed) or weather it out till dinner. I'm going to perhaps try to plan to eat a smaller breakfast and see how that works out. I gotta try to get my body in a rhythm. I'm just so used to a eat-"focus on work that I don't notice I'm starving"-snack cycle.

And just to be more objective, here's a category I thought would be important to add so I can check in on that progress:

STUFF I HOPE CLEARS UP BY THE END OF THIS MONTH

- Hypothyroid stuff (blood tests out in 3 days!)

- Other stuff related to autoimmune problems: scalp issues, dropping hair (stop please!), dry skin, this irritating patch on my leg, this huge random weight gain, lethargy (which seems to now be clearing up). Please go away!

To be honest, I believe it may take me closer to 3 months to really "heal up". But I whatever it is, I'm just looking forward to better health.

And cheese at the end of this.

I miss cheese.

Please body, don't be allergic to cheese.

Whole30 Journey: Done in by green tea! :(

Just when I thought I was doing pretty well with my home-made omelettes at breakfast and nuts and fruits throughout the days (though I've been REALLY hungry at points), I was done in today by a silly cup of hot green tea. The irritating part though was that as my friend was tucking into a wonderful Japanese meal (of which pretty much all of the menu contained soy, grain, or sugar), I opted for green tea. Even more annoyingly, I even told her (as I prepared the cup of green tea), "Actually there are some green teas that might have flour in them, so this might not be a safe option either." But I thought it was a pretty decent Japanese place so I "tucked in" anyway.

As we were at the cashier, I saw they were selling some packets of the green tea they served, and I curiously decided to look at the ingredients...

ARGH! That second ingredient after "green tea" is "brown RICE"
RAWR!

I can't believe I was done in by a cup of green tea.
At least last week I had to reset due to two whole saba fish meals that had soy in them. That's at least a little more worth the reset. >_>

Part of me is thinking "It's just a tiny bit of brown rice in a few cups of green tea, don't be so dogmatic." and the other part of me says "no cheats, no slips, no excuses".

Sigh.

Reset.

Welcome back again to Day One, TOMORROW.
AGAIN.

Apparently this is normal for noobs to restart a couple of times. I've read that somewhere.
They should also empathetically include that this is also irritating for noobs.
Rawr.

Now to decide whether I should have something naughty for dinner today since I'm resetting tomorrow. :)

Whole30 Reset: Back to Day One

I took the Sunday off and spent the day doing things I loved the most - I walked to the library, read, borrowed the two Whole 30 books, and went supermarket shopping.

So it turns out my last week was a "half-baked" Whole30. I really should have read the book first to be certain whether I was following it correctly (So if you're planning to start the Whole 30, I'd encourage you to first read "It Starts with Food" to understand the science and what it's really about, then to go on to the other book). I think I've gathered enough from the first book to know I'm pretty much on the right track now, so I'm not going to cheat, today I'm back to Day One.

I'm back to Day One because I had legumes on the first day last week, I had saba covered with soy sauce twice, as well as ate out - which probably meant that I had consumed canola/vegetable oil as well as sugars somewhere in there. But it's okay, I'd rather know that I REALLY completed the Whole30 to a T than have a half-baked experience.

I shopped at Cold Storage thinking that they'd give me more options, but it was pretty tough. With the Whole30, the entire bread, cakes, pastries and cookies section is out. Dairy is out. Most frozen things are out. So are the alcohol and beverages as well as the cereals and snacks aisles... suddenly one realizes that your only options in a supermarket are in - 1) the fresh fruits and vegetables section, 2) the nuts and herbs section, 3) eggs, 4) SOME meats - actually the Cold Storage that I was at didn't have any grass-fed options, and 5) some canned vegetables, fruits, or fish. I don't know what else was available... but they didn't have my plantain chips. :( So yeah, life gets.... simpler.

It's been quite an interesting experience so far... though I'm pretty early in the journey so my creativity is likely to be limited.
This was my sad dinner last night:

I mainly felt...like a cat.

I ate about half a can of this. It basically was tuna chunks in spring water, with some cracked black pepper, paprika, and nori (roasted seaweed). I had some almonds with this... and I can only say that almonds don't seem to go very well with canned tuna. I think I shall fry up the tuna next time...perhaps with some onions. :)

I have to say that though that I slept really well last night at 1130 (which was a surprise because I have been having bouts of insomnia), and I surprisingly woke up at 4am. That has not happened for a VERY long time. I went back to some reading, and fell asleep again till 9am. I'm not sure if that was fortunate or not that I had a second round of sleep, but I shall be thankful anyway.

I think it was the time at the library that really helped me destress. It was amazing how much lighter (in terms of stress and anxiousness) I felt just being in a corner of the library and reading. I think I even had a 5 minute nap in between my reading. I love libraries. It's like being in the company of many brilliant minds and people with extraordinary lives... and picking up a book is like having the privilege of a one-on-one with them as they share their experiences and wisdom.

Breakfast this morning was a bit more eventful than last night's dinner. I had my househelper help me make it as I washed up (as I was in a rush!). :) I chose a base of olive oil to fry two eggs with the remainder of the tuna last night, some black pepper, and paprika. I think topped it all off with some lovely alfafa sprouts and nori. :)

It felt like happy food.

I didn't really get a chance to sit down at a table to have breakfast. I had it in the car on the way to work, but I did try to ensure to enjoy it as much as possible in that moment. A handful of cashews later, I was happy. :) I didn't finish all of it though and polished the rest of it off for lunch, along with some cherry tomatoes I keep in my office pantry and a handful of almonds... and a few dried mulberries just for a little sweetness. :)

I do need to plan for dinner though...
Maybe I'll just have a nice little pear and some cashews. :)

So far the day has been going well. I'm happy, I'm rested.
I do forsee that I might get sick of eggs somewhere in this journey, but I feel like I might have the discipline to pull through. :)
Not being able to eat out is going to be tricky, but hopefully, with enough planning, I'll make it through.

Whole 30 Day 5?

Okay, it might be Day 4 considering that I totally forgot Edamame was a legume on the first day, but hey... I was doing pretty well otherwise.

But today, I AM HUNGRY.
I want a potato chip.

After my alcohol poisoning scare last Saturday morning that left me with a fever and in bed for almost 24 hour stretches, something just snapped in me to want to just do something for my health. This actually started with me losing my appetite over the post-alcohol poisoning lung infection/flu where I literally lay in bed and didn't want to eat or drink anything...but I missed my vegetables, so I started with that. Somehow the rice and porridge just turned me off, and even the thought of it now still does... I had loads of time to think about how crappy my health has been, so I decided that I should perhaps do something about my health. So I decided that I should try the Whole 30.

So far things have been going alright... also considering that I haven't had much of an appetite due to this flu that has changed me into this green mucous-spewing being (of which I have to say the reason why your mucous sometimes comes out green when you are unwell is really pretty cool). I've mainly become somewhat of a Prescetarian/Fruitarian. I've mainly been eating fruits for the past few days... a small gala apple for dinner, berries for breakfast... it almost feels like I'm back to "food?meh~" jaw surgery days.

Tbh, even though it's only been 4 days, I miss having a croissant or potato chips option.
I think the no-grains part is the worst for me though. It's not really new news, but I LOVE BREAD.
And cheese.
But bread more than cheese.
And pastry more than bread.

Why does everything have flour in it?!
Like seriously, I had to give up this amazing looking tempura the other day (which was like, just in this past week)... :((

I am thankful for how disciplined I have been though. I do believe a lot of it is about the lack of appetite and the sickies.

Okay, I need to get out and go grocery shopping. I need to get a whole load of nuts and plantain chips or something.
On other notes, mulberries are an amazing snack if you're craving for some sugar.

What makes me come alive?

It seems like I revisit this question very often.

As I lie in bed contemplating the "how to run a company like that" comment my father made in passing this morning (thinking that I was asleep), I think today's the day I should quit my job... Or at least that time is coming soon.

I don't think this is an emotional nor reactive decision. Yes, even though it was pretty hurtful to hear after I've been sick so often but still working, but last night's insomnia coupled with the running nose, fever, and headache kept me in bed. There was no mercy. But I guess that's normal with my father unless you're diagnosed with some terminal illness or something.

As I look back, I cannot help but realize how sad I have been. I've been struggling with depression and lack of sleep for the longest time. I've barely been able to cope with the stress. My health has been bad, my hair has been falling out, my mind has been really weighted. I've also constantly been running away from things.

I suppose this is the failings of an idealist... Not really knowing where you're going. The is a saying that goes "don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

But what makes me come alive?

There are these endless questions about finding one's life purpose. For example, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Or "what would you do if money were not an issue?"

And today, as I lay sick on my bed (not "on my sickbed" which sounds mildly morbid), I'm pondering these questions. 

What would I do?

Would I stay in Singapore? Maybe.

Would I travel. Most definitely.

Would I go back to school? Maybe.

Would I want to write research papers? Umm... Maybe. Though I'm really half and half.

Okay, I need to take another tack.

What in the world makes me come alive??

Animals. Most definitely. But for a career... I'm not so sure anymore.

Fashion. Maybe, but I think the superficiality of some facets of the scene might kill me.

Performing arts? I did love drama at once, but it has been a long time since I did any acting. Also, I'm really out of shape.

What makes me come alive????

This is hard!

Okay, what would I do if money were not an issue? Although this is a totally frivolous and seemingly irresponsible question (and perhaps impractical to the point of imaginative scales), I suppose it demands its merits. What would I do? What would I do if I I had a ton of money....

I would settle all my dad's future medical bills for one.

I'd make sure all my family members were properly covered by insurance and were all well trained financially.

I'd hire a HR consultant to come in and restructure my entire company, as well as call in branding consultants to rebrand all three of our brands and develop two others I've been toying with.

I'd put aside money to buy our own factory to be tip top and equip all my department heads with a nice fat budget they can work with.

I'd buy a new house for my family.

I'd get my own place.

Then I'd go backpacking.

I'd get a good pair of walking shoes and I'd take a train from Singapore into Malaysia. I'll travel all the way up to Russia and stay there for a while. I'd explore the city, then head into Germany and travel and stay there for a while. After Germany, maybe I'd head to Paris, Madrid, then up to London, Scotland and Ireland. I'd definitely want to complete my crazy Southern Ridges walk. 

Then over to Iceland just to see the Northern lights, over to Canada, down to Seattle, Cali, then across to Chicago. I'd prolly get a small place in Chicago, that'd be nice. I liked that city... Or at least parts of it. There were parts that were scary too. We'll avoid those parts.

Then I'd prolly head down to Brazil, meet some friends there, work in a cafe there for a while, and cook lots of delicious foods, then head backward across to New Zealand, stay and travel Australia for a while... Then, depending whether I preferred Australia or NZ, would get a nice little place there. Perhaps a farm or an orchard, or both. 

And perhaps if I find love any step of the journey, I'd screw all travel plans and settle down and enjoy the joy of "mundane" day-to-day life. Ah, the good ole thoughts of 30 (plus minus)-year olds

Yes, I'd travel. After all, money is not supposed to be a concern right? The question is, "to what end or for what reason would I be traveling for?" Surely not for some frivolous reason like "experience"?

And that would also unfortunately be just a spending spree. Not to mention that I'd actually want to include the Maldives, Madagascar and Sri Lanka on that list... And a spending spree just wouldn't be practical. 

What would I love doing for work?

According to some paper I read on my MBTI profile, these are the "career suggestions":

1. Writers

2. Counselors / Social Workers

3. Teachers / Professors

4. Psychologists

5. Psychiatrists

6. Musicians

7. Clergy / Religious Workers 

Hmm. Now I already know I can scrap the ideas of 2,4&5 because I really don't think I can deal with the crazies of humans. I've been warned by my psychology professor not to consider it as I apparently "take things too hard". And I've also found humans to be extremely complicated and stressful to deal with. 6 is out because instruments have never really been my thing... Other than playing the Jazz set when I was younger, but that was about it. And 7, I've tried and apparently I'm not specifically called to that... So that leaves us with writing and teaching.

Sigh. I think maybe I just need a sabbatical from work or something. Perhaps for a year or so and just figure out what I'm made to do.