The list

My heart died last week. 

It happened after a series of events and confusions that eventually ended with me going into a full-force lash out/meltdown. After that, my heart just died.

From that incident, I just had three days to help the company push through the CNY rush. I threw myself fully into it - the pastry production, the springcleaning, the work - afterall, this was all I knew... this was all my life revolved around for years on end. I gave up so many things for this, hoping I could fix this. I thought I could mend a land that was dying. I thought I could bring it to flourish. Instead, it overwhelmed me. I was simply not good enough. But I pushed myself and chose to be responsible and all till the end of the season, even if it killed me. But I am not good enough. And it did - it killed me.

At the end of it - exhausted emotionally and physically - I felt a second death inside.

I was so broken.

Having given so much to the business, I only have a very small handful of friends... of which I perhaps only trust three. At the lowest point, I tried to find help in this circle...

One, I was thankful took time to walk with me on a particularly low day.
Another was having too much fun and drinking when she picked up my call.
And the third, my most trustworthy perhaps, responded too quickly in a way that caused a lot more hurt than she probably realized.

At the end of that, I've found...perhaps isolation is not such a bad thing after all.

Perhaps it is a necessary part of my journey to just go out into the world being comfortable with it being just me and my cat... of all the statistically average 5-7 years left of his life with me (assuming he lives to 12 or so).

Now with the lunar new year break, I have had time to myself... I have decided that I will go.

But before I do, I need to finish a list.

1. Bake J's cake. Of all the guys in my life, he's probably been the one I've gone to with some of the hardest of times. I have been so thankful for him. I care for him deeply, but he's also very guarded - and I think I can understand why. I owe him a birthday cake. I don't know why he chose such a complicated cake. But I'm going to try. It's the least I could do to say thank you before I leave. 

2. Get some work stuff together that I owe some of my team - a cheque I need to find, a contract I need to locate, and the rest of the seasonal menus for the year (maybe this I can send at a later time) - just to help them tide over whilst they replace me and find their footing again.

3. A list of things that my siblings need to watch out for when it comes to the parents. There are so many things I worry about so often that I suppose comes with being the only single of my siblings and living with my parents... but I just can't bear the burden anymore. I've done all I can for the family all my life. I need to be able to trust them to care enough to now take over. Or maybe this they will figure out over time once I'm gone.

4. Extract myself from the company totally. Probably going to be the most complicated administratively as the company relied a lot on my credit score to support it through Covid and the really difficult seasons. It's going to be painful, but I have to just cut things off so they can be independent and do much better without me.

5. Donating/Selling/Throwing away stuff. If Socs and I are going to have to be mobile, I am going to have to travel very light. I don't want anything left here. If the parents can rent out my room, it might also help them. I don't need much. I just need a backpack, a pair of slippers, shoes, and boots, perhaps a rainjacket and a bottle of water... okay, I need to start a more detailed list for this, or - given the interest of time -  perhaps I should just go and wing it along the way.

I suppose that's it.

This is my closing list.

This is part of the journey. 
Even though it hurts, I choose to trust the process.

I start on this tonight.