It's almost 5 in the morning, and I've been through another round of purging of some of my belongings; constantly asking myself "do I love this?" and "do I want this to be part of my future self"? Yes, I thanked a lot of things as I let them go.
Something in me is desperately searching for that certainty of who I am and who I want to be. It's been a long time now, and it feels like it has been a never-ending search for meaning.
I had an epiphany today.
For the longest time in my life, I always thought I was bad at making decisions - specifically to that to deciding whether to give up or keep trying. At some point, I was convinced that that was possibly the most difficult question to answer - "When do you give up?" But I'd just realized that all this while I had been asking myself the wrong question.
"To give up or press on" brings one on a slippery slope of weighing an infinite number of "pros and cons". Or perhaps, that strategy simply didn't work for me. My brain would constantly present me with the other questions of - "What have I missed?" and perhaps, more specifically, "What are the considerations that my unexperienced, dull, limited human mind, may have forgotten?"
And yet, today, I realized I had been asking myself the wrong questions after all.
The question really is - "Is this (dream, business, relationship, project...) something that I want in my future life? Does this add to my ideal self that I desire to build up?"
Many times, the answer today was "no". Why have I carried all these for so long?
Perhaps my senses have dulled to cognitive dissonance. Perhaps my spirit has resigned to what was seen as a losing battle of life.
But I'm going to do what I can to change that.
Life should be a lot more beautiful than this.
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a never-ending vortex?
A place of constant struggle to flee, and yet the trajectory of where you find yourself does not allow an escape?
Perhaps you wish you had wings of your own to fly.
And yet the howling winds remind you that the torture of the constant swirl has long sapped your energies and broken your spirit.
Have you ever felt that life has had its way with you... Of having flung you around like a raggedy doll - without care, or respect.
Have you felt the desire so much to want to break free.
And yet the chains of the vortex pull you deeper still.
At some point of time, you have to convince yourself that this is all in your mind.
And perhaps there needs to be a lot of work in the convincing.
Perhaps it requires a total reset.
Perhaps you have to come to a place of quiet where you can no longer hear a thing.
A place where the howling stops.
A place where the opinions stop.
A place where the expectations stop.
A peaceful place where only your mind can go.
A new place that is not a vortex.
And yet you know that your mind is not to be underestimated.
There is a brilliance there that will drive to make the vortex a permanent tangibility.
But this should not be so.
Surely your spirit isn't to be trifled with either.
With great fear presents opportunity for great courage.
Save yourself.
Still your heart and mind.
Take that bold step out.
Even though you may fall...
It is still better than staying in the vortex till it steals even your breath - at that point it will be too late to go anywhere else.
It is not too late.
