Sunday, October 30, 2016

a resigned birthday

Commitment - something I nor my family are not very good at.

I woke up this morning expecting to read a slew of birthday wishes that I'm used to receiving over my phone, but instead the first one I read was a resignation text from a staff that I really wanted to retain. I suppose she had good reasons to leave - including a lack of commitment from the company to send her a job offer in a most timely way.

I've lost a lot of staff simply because of this lack of commitment - that crossing over from "temp" to "full-time" has been so difficult to get from the company... even though I'm not in HR, I probably should have done something about it. My parents have warned me many times about offering her a job quickly, but HR has never been my priority (nor really my area of responsibility) at work. Instead, I spent the whole of yesterday freaking cleaning and organizing my workplace. I'm starting to think that cleaning in my coping mechanism, It is my place of comfort when I don't know what to do... that even though my mind is whizzing with a whole sh"tload of things, at least I have some control over the aesthetics and predictability of my environment.

I don't know why I have this problem with committing to humans. Perhaps it's my fear of humans. Fear of being hurt. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of failure.

But I suppose that lack of commitment creates fear in people too because of the uncertainty.

It's interesting how the fears from the top translate through the organization... and whatever it is, it isn't good for the company right now. Interestingly, and partly out of some form of cowardice, one of the thoughts I also had was that I myself should resign. I simply don't think I am the best person for the job. I don't know how to retain people, I don't know how to interact well with them, I don't know what to say to love people... or at least I think so. I'm not good at human relationships. I never commit fully - not to anyone, not even my parents. If anyone were to pass away, I would be in deep sadness, but it was only reinforce walls I already have I believe.

This is not normal is it?

I have a lot of staff who leave showing deep gratitude and respect. They say things like they don't want to lose me as a mentor. But what for if you're going to leave anyway? Why leave if you deeply treasure everything that the company has offered you so far?
This is a part of humans I do not understand.

I'm tired.

Happy birthday.

I probably will spend the day in thoughts.
I need to do something to turn this around. :(

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

WTA Finals and thoughts

Today was the first time that I have attended a professional tennis match live. I was technically there on business, but there were many thoughts I had. The game reminded me of the fencing matches I saw at the Southeast Asian Games in Singapore - the same ones I sat in feeling lost and confused about life a year or two ago. I remember sitting in the benches and texting my fencing Coach about what I should do about life...  I'll have to go back to that chat and do a little reading.

Many thoughts tonight.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Letting go of paper memories and dreams

This minimalism project has become so much of a heart issue...and so much earlier than I thought it would.

I spent this past week on books and papers.

It was a grueling task trying to get through all the memories and plans that I had stashed away over these years. After many days of going through hundreds of papers documenting many seasons of my life... decluttering meant that I had to choose what to keep and what to throw away - to decide which parts of my dreams I was willing to give up, and which I still wanted to keep.

I eventually gave up on a half-done psychology paper that I wrote and meant to finish for publishing with a professor in the States...but it has been put away so long, it was just time to let go. I also decided to give away all my textbooks for my Early Childhood course, most of the business notes from university days, and a large file documenting the set up of a club some 10 years ago which has grown into something beyond what I expected.

I suppose, if anything, this process has reinforced the notion that I need to now focus more on the present, and what I want to keep for the future. And to do that, I need to let go of the past.

Easier said than done though.

To be honest, I don't think I'm quite done yet - because I still held on to many "un-finished business". From my project for rural entrepreneurship for India, to a couple of old marketable ideas, to my family tree project, to the most random of books in fashion and embroidery... there still is a whole list of "interests" and "projects" that I chose to keep around. I guess it wasn't so easy to let things go as easily and thoroughly as I really should (as according to the "rules" of Marie Kondo).

It's already the start of the new week now and I'm hoping this process has brought some lasting peace and focus that I so need.