Monday, January 06, 2020

Of New Year resolutions

I spent the last weekend of 2019 with two of my mentees and we had the very meaningful activity of setting New Year Resolutions together. I enjoy specifics, so we broke them down into quite a few categories: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Financial, Career Development. That should cover most facets of life.

One of my emotional goals was to blog at least once a week.
I suppose writing is some form of a sustenance for me, as well as an outlet for my constantly troubled idealistic INFP mind.

I've got a lot of personal goals this year.
But I have to chart the systems to get what I want to be at the end of this year.
Hopefully my efforts to break everything into bite-sized pieces of life will help me move a little step ahead at a time.

Friday, July 05, 2019

One day at a time.

It's been a while since I've last written and I thought I should at least post an update...after all, my last post was pretty depressing.

This is a good juncture to also add that most things on social media - blogs included - often don't portray a holistic version of one's life. At least for me, this blog often contains either informative things I thought to share, or emotions too much for me to bear and needed to spill out somewhere. I suppose that last post fell into that "I needed to spill somewhere" category.

The truth is, last year was pretty rough for me... in fact, the past few years have been.
For something like the past 8 years now, every year brought with it something more devastating to me than the last. It's almost as if life was trying to turn me into an armadillo of sorts... except I don't think I have been recovering fast enough to be able to deal with the next blows.

A big break up, an unexpected law suit, a major surgery, having almost lost my father (twice), business troubles, and last year having some psychotic person stalk and harass me (plus later understanding there was barely any legal protection available for harassment cases unless I was willing to fork out so much money to control some mentally unstable human...)... that was pretty much my breaking point. I simply couldn't take it anymore.

(I don't know if you can empathize with my feelings of hopelessness in that case of harassment - when you listen from a third party cautioning you that there is a human alive relishing in their ability to spark fear in you by harassing you. I am probably stronger from that and would tell her to "F-off" if I ever see this human again...but I would wish it on no one. It is not a good experience. It is enough to know there are weird people out there, without having to experience it for yourself.)

I guess that last post came at some point of some night I was just feeling really sorry for myself.

It's kind of like reaching a place of helplessness where you feel abandoned by God, and by humans, and you just seek the last place where you found security... and then realized that that's not there either. It was a hopeless place... I suppose it was worse when throughout all these years, I've found that I've had to hide all this brokenness. I had to keep up with appearances, and try to be strong...and when I faltered, and decided to stay home and just be real with myself, I felt guilty and irresponsible.

Have things gotten better since last year?

Yes and No.

Yes, in the sense that my harasser has stopped (although she is still on the loose somewhere in this country and probably still needs psychiatric help).

But no, in the sense that I've developed sporadic panic attacks..which are probably from the cumulative amount of traumatic experiences I haven't had time to process.

Since last year I made quite a few changes though... I dropped out of a lot of groups. I tried to distance myself away from people who made me uncomfortable in any way (I say this because sometimes, in business/social groups, this is a pain I believed I had to tolerate people that had very different value systems from mine. But I realized that that just wasn't true.).

I'm still not done yet. There are a lot of things I'm still cutting out of my life... and there are days where I do wish I could just move far away from all my daily sources of stressors, to restart someplace else and try to figure life out in a more peaceful place, at my own pace, before the next crazy thing hits.

And perhaps I will.

But for today, here's an update saying that things are not perfect...nor are they all better, but they just aren't as bad as they used to be. I think I've lost myself somewhere in between, but now, in the small chunks of peace I can find, I'm trying to rebuild.
And for that, I'm thankful.

One day at a time.

Tuesday, October 09, 2018

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.