Thursday, December 17, 2015

In a bind.

My mind is filled with so many thoughts and things to do I just needed to pop by to write and dump all this out so that I can get on with my day.

I feel incapacitated.
As if everything has caught me in a bind and I can no longer move....nor do I have any motivation to.

My life feels like some sort of lie of some sort. :(
I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down...and like I'm just falling into this pit that I can't crawl out of or stop myself from falling.

It's a pretty terrible feeling.
What brought me here?

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I took a walk today...

It's probably been a year or two since I took a proper "let's go out and exercise" walk.
And I guess it felt good.

There has been a lot of things on my mind lately - from worries about personal issues, to finances, to family finances, work finances, career development, staff, my parents' health, my own health - it seems like these past three years have been non-stop torture. Okay, so there have been some nice rests in between, but yes...I needed that walk.

I guess part of me still feels like I'm stuck.
As if I'm stuck in some moment in time, or in some memory, or in a bad place which I can't get out of... and all this whilst the world is just chugging all ahead around me. It's that dreaded feeling as if you know your body is in terrible shape and completing that 2.4km run is going to take you forever... but you HAVE to do it because at some point it was a requirement in life. So you start running anyway, you give it all you've got for the first 400 metres or so, but at some point you realize the rest of the class is pulling away so far ahead of you with so much more ease and the imminent danger (and fear) of being tired, wrecked and alone is about to hit you... and you physically just can't do anything about it except to just drag your pathetic body along and hope you'll be alive at the end of it.

It's not a nice feeling.

(Comically, at this point of my writing, I feel like I should put on a Katy Perry song about plastic bags and fireworks. But honestly, what use is that going to be? Also, am I the only one thinking that the firework-shooting bralet she wore in her MTV was really unnecessary and inappropriate?)

Perhaps it's typically INFP, but I often feel like I'm living a life where I'm not quite playing the main character in. It's like that sinking feeling when you meant to choose the awesome dashing Ryu, but you just pushed the joystick a little too far and punched the OK button a little too fast, and suddenly you're Ken - with a disgusting unkempt mop of bleached-out hair and you hate the fake tan and gross red outfit you're in. You were supposed to be mysterious, not angry dammit! (Yes, I always chose the guys in Street Fighter. It needed to be either Ryu or Vega. Chunli's voice and hair buns annoyed the heck out of me. Okay, she gets some stars for that upside down helicopter kick, but that's all she was good for.)

I miss gaming.
And I'm rambling.

But yes, I feel like I'm not the person I want to be...or the person that I should be... or the person that I am.

I've had so many thoughts recently that I've pretty much come to a point where I'm almost afraid to sleep. It's an irrational fear. Well, I suppose part of it is rational - I've been having a couple of nightmares of losing my dad (after a heart attack episode that happened a few months ago) and other weird dreams... and also because I know that once I get to sleep, I will have to wake up, and when I wake up, it'll be another day of SO much to do.

It's rational and irrational.
It'd be so much wiser if I just sleep early because I will have to get up anyway, but at least I would be a lot more rested. But no... here I am pretty much fighting sleep.

On other notes, here's an awesome Tedtalk about the effects of sleep deprivation:

Okay, I'm just going to lie in bed now and try to think about nothing in particular so that I'll hopefully get bored and fall asleep... and get my 4 hours of sleep. Hurrah.

Well, at least I took the effort to write today. I think writing somewhat helps to heal me.
And I'm probably going to take another walk tomorrow. That's probably going to turn out to be a great idea.