Saturday, July 23, 2016

from a place of mistrust

Today I'm writing from a place of mistrust. It's as if a glass of hot water has been poured over a flame that I expected to set off fireworks. Or rather that I found the flame more harmful than helpful as I had hoped and expected it to be. I thought it was a blessing - a light to guide the way - and yet, I've been getting burned.

I've come to a crossroads where I realize that a lot of life is a game of cards... and that trust is underrated - with all certainty.

I suppose I have learned a few things - though I wish it weren't this costly a lesson:
1. Never fully trust a sweet talker.
2. Always look for actions.
3. Be ready with a contingency plan - always.
4. Trust your gut and the wisdom of many. Listen to it. Trust those thoughts - more than the excuses.

I feel like part of me is changing... like the idealistic me is becoming more aware of how not-idealistic the world actually is.

God, what are Your thoughts?
 Please make things clear.

Monday, July 11, 2016

On love and singlehood

It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm blogging in Singapore Changi airport whilst waiting for a staff to arrive.

It was a pretty interesting past weekend... What with me taking on a challenge of meeting someone random from an online dating site, and having a real-life brush with being hit on by some guy in a GrabCar. This weekend I was posed with some questions that I never really had to give an answer for - at least not to non-aunties.

I was commented on and asked questions by these two men...
"I think you're very pretty, why are you still single?"
"I'm sure you have a lot of guys chasing you."
"You don't look single. Such a pretty lady cannot be single."
"Are you picky? Or just oblivious?"

And other random stuff like that.
Of course there was some creepy stuff that ensued with the GrabCar guy - including "Where do you live? Where do you work? Can you add me on Facebook?..." To which my super-introverted self pretty much freaked out to.

It's a pretty weird feeling for me, tbh.
Contrary to what these guys seem to think, I really haven't had too much experience with guys... Nor have I had the experience of being hit on so directly. I am honestly so inexperienced that the only social-defense-ammunition I had in my head was to try to answer politely and yet find a way to disengage from the conversation (which seemed a far better option to jumping out of the moving car). Perhaps it may seem weird to some (considering I'm "supposed" to be a grown woman of some sort), but it was an utterly terrifying experience to inexperienced-me.

Beyond terrifying, what the experiences did was that they created a certain disconcerted feeling within about my singleness. Disconcerted for the fact that I was caught off guard with no social rules for how to respond to such uncomfortable advances, and disconcerted for the types of questions that I was posed with and an uncertainty to why I've been apparently so "unlucky in love" when these guys apparently thought that I shouldn't be.

I ended up spending the evening talking to my sister and my father about these encounters and gleaned some insights (I believe that a 3rd party point of view can be a lot more accurate, and provide a quicker access to truth, than introspection sometimes).

This is what I gleaned from their perspectives:
- I've apparently have had guys hit on me before, but I was oblivious and/or have forgotten
- My sister thinks that the observation that I am pretty is accurate (which I actually disagree with)
- My father believes that because I treasure loyalty so much, that part of me is still sillyly thinking that I need to continue to be faithful to my ex-boyfriend (which I partially disagree with. "partially" for the fact that I don't know if it's a blindspot in me somewhere).

I've had another chef also ask me "How old are you?" "Are you married?" "Why not?"

It's weird. I've never been asked such questions at such a high frequency over such a short period of time.
Maybe I'm starting to look old... and that I need to get on with that part of life faster. Or something.

Many thoughts.