It's almost 5 in the morning, and I've been through another round of purging of some of my belongings; constantly asking myself "do I love this?" and "do I want this to be part of my future self"? Yes, I thanked a lot of things as I let them go.
Something in me is desperately searching for that certainty of who I am and who I want to be. It's been a long time now, and it feels like it has been a never-ending search for meaning.
I had an epiphany today.
For the longest time in my life, I always thought I was bad at making decisions - specifically to that to deciding whether to give up or keep trying. At some point, I was convinced that that was possibly the most difficult question to answer - "When do you give up?" But I'd just realized that all this while I had been asking myself the wrong question.
"To give up or press on" brings one on a slippery slope of weighing an infinite number of "pros and cons". Or perhaps, that strategy simply didn't work for me. My brain would constantly present me with the other questions of - "What have I missed?" and perhaps, more specifically, "What are the considerations that my unexperienced, dull, limited human mind, may have forgotten?"
And yet, today, I realized I had been asking myself the wrong questions after all.
The question really is - "Is this (dream, business, relationship, project...) something that I want in my future life? Does this add to my ideal self that I desire to build up?"
Many times, the answer today was "no". Why have I carried all these for so long?
Perhaps my senses have dulled to cognitive dissonance. Perhaps my spirit has resigned to what was seen as a losing battle of life.
But I'm going to do what I can to change that.
Life should be a lot more beautiful than this.
