Sunday, December 29, 2013

preparing for 2014

The last weekend of the year and a great time for a proper closure. I have a habit of setting goals every year and at the end of the year, I close it by looking at what has been accomplished, and what hasn't.

This was what was left outstanding at the end of this year:
  • Get to the next business achievement bracket (Goal:3GAV) (60% completion)
  • Receive at least one award this year
  • Read the whole Bible through (about 30% completed)
  • Take part in one fencing competition
  • Clear student debt
And this was what was completed:
  • Remove the dots (10/1)
  • Take a class in Bahasa Indonesia (24Mar-16Jun)
  • Do one thing on the bucket list (Cruised)
  • Renovate the office (Done)
  • Volunteer in something I believe in
  • Travel out at least once (BKK 8Mar, Hawaii)
  • Serve in a ministry
  • Read at least 12 books (Read:14)
  • Set date for jaw surgery
Nine out of fourteen. At 65%, I suppose more could have been done this year. And yet, looking back at the year, I think I'm finishing alright. The balance sheet is closing well, my heart is still healing, but at least I'm still alive. 

What I've learned (or lessons I was reminded of) from 2013
  • You cannot run away from anything inside of you - no matter how far you go, how much you try to change your environment, how much you try to change yourself, if something is unresolved in you, you can never run far enough.
  • Love hurts sometimes - but if there is any hurting, it's always internal to yourself, never to another.
  • Other than the hand of God, you have some control of your life and you just need to stop thinking and take action sometimes.
  • Sometimes the right answer cannot be found anywhere else but inside your heart.
  • Sometimes the right answer isn't to be made by you.
  • Time doesn't heal, hope does.
  • There are times in life where you need to decide who are the people you want to stay in your life, and who you want to stay with. "Be where you are celebrated, not just tolerated."
  • Be grateful for the people who love you.
  • Remember that where there is life, there is hope. As long as you are still alive, you have a purpose.
  • Between giving and receiving, always choose to give. 
  • You cannot nurture someone who doesn't want to grow.
  • You cannot give everyone all of yourself, or anyone all of your heart. Choose wisely.
  • Life can change drastically at anytime. Be grateful for everything you have.
Totally unglamourously taken,
but this is the widest smile I could pull.
Now I know why the photographer
kept saying "don't smile so wide".
Point taken? Gosh, 2 weeks...
2014 is expected to be a year of change and adjusting to a new road ahead. Next year will be a year of big personal changes and of business and personal (intellectual, emotional and physical) development. Perhaps next year will be the year where I finally find stability in the business and take one step out of the door and test the waters outside a little. I believe I'm scheduled for a trip to Cambodia, India and Sri Lanka in 2014. And hopefully, will get a chance to visit England if I can.

One of my biggest goals is to have one of my staff receive an award next year - I think that will be one of my greatest rewards next year. And perhaps I'll head toward understanding and getting involved in some sustainability work in terms of food security. 

But for now, or at least for the next month ahead, my focus is going to be about my surgery and perhaps getting used to a new life.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

post-surgery projection mould

I finally got one of these shots of my post-surgery projection moulds (which everyone else seems to have).
The white curve is where my jaw is now, and the green is where it should/will be after the surgery.
Do you see that lower jaw difference?! Shocking. 0_o"
So I've gone for my "final consultation" with Surgeonman and all that's left before the surgery are the tests with the anesthetist and the blood donation sometime next week. My surgery has been moved to the 10th of January because of some administrative scheduling shifts so now I have an extra week to get things in order (*phew*).

Interestingly, my jaw has somehow randomly been very stiff these two days - specifically in my lower jaw around the hinge area. I don't know if it's a pure physical coincidence that signs of jaw-stress is happening now, whether it's caused by psychological stress from the fact that the surgery is approaching, or whether it's just stress in general from work and trying to get everything in order that's getting to me, but it's really uncomfortable. It's almost like experiencing a closed locked jaw of some sort and that the stress of prolonged tight clenched teeth is headed to the hinges. Is this normal?

Less than two weeks to the surgery now...

Sunday, December 22, 2013

closing the year

It’s the weekend before Christmas and a good time to wrap up the year.

2013 has been a year of struggles – working through the shock of a relationship torn apart, depression, mole excisions, losing an astounding amount of weight, facing difficult situations, running to Hawaii for a few months of healing, heading back to renewed vision for the business, and now two weeks to my jaw surgery… it’s been a year of challenges and changes.

At the same time, I suppose it has also been a year that I can be grateful for – for friends who have stood by me and fought with me regardless of the crap life has thrown my way, for family who have been patient with me working through new challenges this year, for new friendships who have entered and inspired me, to a new sense of power and control over some of life (instead of a depressive, defeatist cloud that shrouded my life for several months). Not to mention how I've learned to treasure myself a little too.

As I close this year, and look forward to a new year ahead, I can’t help but wonder what 2014 is going to hold for me – and what I shall plan to achieve in the year ahead. These two weeks shall be weeks of "springcleaning" - of clearing out everything from the year and preparing for a lean, mean start to 2014. 

I still have that box of memories I haven't had the courage to throw out yet, but I'll eventually get there. Eventually. ALright, back to the end-of-year clearing of the room. Going to spend some time writing resolutions later too...

Exactly 2 weeks to the surgery now.

Monday, December 16, 2013


Today my sister told me, "You try to be hard on the outside, but you're really soft inside. And when you let people in, they have a lot of power over you."

The comment didn't quite solve the issue at hand (at all), but it's amazing how much insight sisters/family members can have.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

freaking out, like really.

I am officially freaking out about the surgery.

Maybe it's misaligned emotions. Maybe it's for the fact that I have so much work to do and the stress is just getting out of hand and is spilling over into the fact that I am going for a major surgery that may alter me forever! (emo much?) Still, I AM freaking out.

I think it started with when I tried to explain to the sisters about the procedure and showed them a video about how the surgery will go... and one of my sisters asked "Won't the plates hurt when you're older?" And I realized, I didn't think about stuff like that. I just thought "There's going to be a possible future problem which will be better to fix now", and therefore started this journey. I never thought I might be SOLIDIFYING and CREATING a problem NOW for myself for the REST OF MY LIFE. Yes, I think that's when the freaking out started. :(

I started Googling all sorts of related topics - including "surgery plates hurting" and the like. And I freaked out MORE. And then I went into googling stuff like "regret jaw surgery" and "would you do jaw surgery again"... and I think it was pretty much a slippery slope from there.

I'm freaking out. I suddenly feel like I can't do this anymore.

It's such a big change...and I have SO MANY "what ifs" in my brain right now. Like, what if I'm one of the 20% who hates their faces for life, or what if I never regain feeling in my face, what if I don't really necessarily have arthritis in my old age and am wasting money now, what if I come out really REALLY ugly...



Saturday, December 07, 2013

latest profile shots and another week closer...

The teeth as of today. (Yes, I still get stuff stuck in them)
And yes, as you can see, I have put on so much weight,
that my collarbones are almost inexistent! :((
It's Saturday again! And we're another week closer to the surgery! 0_0

Here are my current profile shots - that I think haven't changed for a while now since my braces are all set in place now.

Right Profile.
Flat cheeks. Yes, I automatically force my lips close.
Left Profile.
Flat cheeks. Same auto-close...I wonder if we (under-biters)
automatically learn to close our lips for fear of bugs getting in. XD
Straight on Still forcing close... at least it doesn't look too bad.
Please excuse the parched lips...all I have had today has been coffee and some bread. :D
Lippy Shot
Here's what I really look like when I'm spacing out and not thinking about closing my lips.
Yes, I've always been more of a mouth-breather. #^_^#
Right - 45 degrees.
Today, I understand why Orthoman and Surgeonman needed 45 degree shots.
My underbite is so obvious at this angle!
Left - 45 degrees.
See?! :((
And here is where the real problem shows -
My slanted, tilted, underbite jaw.
It's okay jaw and little teeth, we'll be all better in a month. <3

Today's, the day I shall actually show the gory details of the surgery to prep my family. Yes, I'm prolly going to show some of the photos from fellow jaw-surgery buddies (see: survivors.) that have gone ahead of me. (Thank you! :D) I'm not sure what their reactions are going to be, but I'm expecting that I will have a lot of questions to answer - as I also had to do with some of my close friends over dinner last night. But given with what they know so far, I think they should be taking the news alright...maybe except the mother - my mum's not too good with caring for people I think, so she's been asking me to consider extending my stay in the hospital for four nights instead of two. =_= (Yay,  for independent self-sufficient (EXPENSIVE) living. X_X)

There is so much to do in so little time! I think I'm going to spend at least an hour or two this weekend thinking about all the things I want to do whilst I'm stuck at home recovering post-surgery (so far, it looks like a TON of movies, dramas, books, and...organizing paperwork or something. :)).

Friday, December 06, 2013

Being under doctor's orders to put on weight. :D

I love this please-eat-more-and-put-on-weight season!
And under doctor's orders too! :D
I can't believe the amount of rubbishy foods I have been eating! It's so sinful! But absolutely rebelliously glorious how there are no more rules to what I will and will not allow myself to eat. This is probably one of the perks of going for the surgery!

Then again, I stepped on a scale yesterday and I've put on 6 kilos! AND I could barely fit into my jeans this morning. Boo... 

Okay, I think that's enough weight for now. Sorry doctors, I can't put on anymore! STAWP!

*dreams of glorious junk food*

Sunday, December 01, 2013

weekend thoughts

I'm spending my Sunday at home, keeping the germs to myself, whilst the rest of the family has gone to church. The house is all quiet except for the gentle whirring of the fan, and the grumblings from my little water boiler that's preparing me for a lovely cup of Chamomile tea.

There's something very therapeutic about being alone with a cup of tea on a weekend. I'm spending the day studying "Health and Society" from HarvardX, as well as finishing up the last week of my "Law and Entrepreneur" course on Coursera (that I am very proud to say that I've been very consistent about! :)) I love studying, I really do.

Yesterday night, after a conversation with a new friend I've made, I decided to check in if my personality has changed. I took an online general version of an MBTI test and I was surprised by the results:

I used to be the Idealistic INFP!
I guess perhaps it's due to the position I've been in of running the business that has pushed the judging scores a little more. I spent some time looking at how my change from an INFP to INFJ have changed my "ideal career" matches a little, and it was a little reassuring to know that it wasn't that big of a leap. Interestingly, psychology, teaching and counseling were still on the list. But what really excited me, was that options for business and environmental activism were added in too (so maybe my interests and current job isn't that far off from ideal). Perhaps the increase in the "judging" aspect is because as people get older, they start to realize how much more is in their power to actually do - that you don't need to stay simply as a dreamer, but to be able to actually act on those idealistic values and make them a reality.

Hmm... what do I want as my reality?

Here's the link to the general MBTI-esque test, if you want to check in on your own personality.