Tuesday, October 09, 2018

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible options...as you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.