a little fear

Is it possible that one of the basic human fears is that of being left behind?

There's just something about the need of feeling relevant. Of feeling like you're somewhat ahead of the curve, or at least on par with the rest of the world.

Today I wonder if I've been left behind.

Perhaps it's because I've somehow reached a stage of physical maturity where people now quite often ask me if I'm so-and-so's wife, or whether I'm married. It's become so recurrent nowadays that it's somehow something that I actually have to consider how to respond to... or at least I've been somewhat tempted that I should have some sort of plethora of creative responses beyond my normal embarrassed "no"-and-blush routine.

It's weird - this stage of life.

I wonder if this is in any way normal.

I should really invest my time thinking about more useful things.

Whole30 Journey: Ravenous and Stressed!

W30 Day 10

How I'm feeling: Grr...

I had a bad day today.
I think it was a bad day.

I ended up getting off work early to just get home to cook something to eat.

I was RAVENOUS.
But I was determined not to pick up carbs so late at night... I rummaged through my pantry and fridge and played the "what can I cook up in my head that tastes good" game. I eventually decided on a tuna sushi roll and this was it:

Curried Tuna Seaweed roll with japanese Cucumbers and Pomegranate Rubies.
Sorry that the lighting wasn't great.

This was the inside.

Start with
1 can of tuna in spring water (drained)
1 medium white onion (chopped)
Half a red bell pepper (chopped)
Some sliced white button mushrooms
Stir fry in a little coconut oil with
Cracked black pepper
A dash of sea salt
Paprika
Garlic powder
Curry powder
Finish with
Sliced Japanese cucumber
Pomegranate seeds
Roasted seaweed

I usually only can finish half a can of tuna, but I pretty much ate up the entire recipe... of which the filling lasted me something like 5 seaweed rolls? :) Curry is my new garlic powder and I love it! Part of me did wish that I could have eaten it with some cheese or sour cream of some sort... but hey, I enjoyed the flavours anyway.

I had frittata for breakfast. :)

I'm pretty sure today was mainly a day of stress eating.

I did question whether it might have been the tea or something.
I just felt really tense, stressed, and generally irritable. I don't know why... but I think I should monitor this.

I'm headed for my first ever Yoga class tomorrow.
I have generally stayed away from Yoga because of the possible spiritual symbolisms behind it, but somehow I've rationalized to think that perhaps it's not all that bad after all and honestly, my heart is about exercise and stretching my body and very much not about worshipping some random God with stretches.

I'd obviously stop if I found it too weird though... let's see how it goes.

A lot of thoughts in my mind today.

It's also midnight and I'm still awake. I think it's the lack of sleep that's getting to me. :(

Whole30 Journey: I WANT CHOCOLATE

It is random, but I want chocolate.

I also would like a doughnut.

And cheetos puffs. I feel like I could eat a whole bag.

Oh, or those Tostitos scoops with a nice fresh salsa...with melty cheese. You have to have melty cheese.

Aaand... now I'm thinking of Tacos.

All this whilst I'm also feeling like I'd like to just lie down and sleep.

I'm not hungry. I shouldn't be - considering how I had a huge frittata in the morning. Plus I had a huge bowl of watercress soup at lunch, and fruits. Why am I feeling so emotional and stressed out?

Oh what I would give for a choux puff right now. I don't need any fillings in it.. just a nice, big, crisp, buttery choux puff.
Oh, or a croissant.
Or a pastry crust...a quiche perhaps?

What is happening?!

Whole30 Journey: Dark Days?

Lunch today:
Grilled chicken with some baked sweet potatoes with a side of
fresh raspberries, mangoes and salad leaves. :)

W30 Day 9
Can't believe I could be at Day 20 if I didn't have to keep restarting. >_>

How I'm feeling: 
Sticky from a walk (and random aerobic exercise in the park) earlier this evening... and sleepless cause I just ate some homemade sweet potato crisps, a couple of mango cubes, and a bunch of cashews.

W30 Dark Days?
I'm not too sure, but I think I've gone down a dark road since my two overnighters at the office this past week...that, coupled with the comments on weight loss and seeing the numbers at my recent health check... something has changed.

As much as I'm still treasuring the discipline and all that has come from doing the W30, somehow the comments about my weight loss has shifted something in my psyche to be very much conscious about that indirect resultant part of this journey - which was not my initial intent. Anxiousness about work has also thrown me off and I'm back to sleeping at 2am in the morning. :( This is not good. I have to somehow reset this. My focus was about health, regaining control over different areas of my life, and just...getting life back on a happy road again. :/ Okay, I'm going to focus on getting back into momentum again this week.

Food wise I've still been pretty disciplined though.
I went back to Parkway this week and picked up two more Larabars. Bought some seaweed, asparagus and restocked on my organic mulberries (that I now really love to snack on) :). I just need to get into the momentum of three square meals. It seems tough to 1) not miss meals at work, and 2) not to snack.

But I'm going to try.

I've decided that I'm also going to try to chill a little more, and try to "get a life" more.
Things at work are still crazy and terrifying, but I'm choosing to prioritize things that ALSO matter to me. Things like family, my relationships with my friends, my relationship with God, trying to get more integrated into church-life, practicing my German and prepping myself for other languages I want to pick up... stuff like that.

This W30 process has made me start thinking about my "ideal life" vs life as it is now.... as well as my "ideal self" vs who I am right now. I guess physically I'm on the right path... but emotionally and intellectually, I seem to have shelved a lot of things for my work. There were/are a lot of things that matter to me - climate change, animal welfare, making a difference in the lives of others, learning languages, living simply and efficiently (if that doesn't sound too weird). I guess part of me is starting to realize that I have to care for myself too.

Life is not all about work and scary life things.
I need to remember that - and focus on that.

Okay, it's past 1 am. Time to hit the shower and hopefully catch some shut eye.
It's Monday tomorrow. It's the start of a new week.

God, please give me the grace, favour, and wisdom to weather this season through.

Whole30 Journey: I think I might be at the "I need a nap" phase

Day 4
(though it could actually be Day 15 if I didn't have to restart so many times)

How I'm feeling:
A little tired

Breakfast:

Grilled chicken, avocado and cherry tomatoes in roasted seaweed

Peppermint, Nettle & Gingko Tea

Lunch: 

(yay, I got hungry! At about 12ish)

Some almonds and mulberries 

A handful of pistachios

Same as breakfast except in a smaller portion, with some salmon on the side, and topped with shredded seaweed.

I didn't enjoy my lunch at all because I was so stressed by work. :(

Snack 

(about 430pm)

About 20 grapes

I actually think  I might have been stress eating. :(

Dinner

I'm not sure if I'm going to have any today. I honestly would just like to read and get to bed early today.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I woke up at 7ish again today. Hurrah!

I've begun to prioritize sleep over a lot of things. Sleep is for healing. Healing is good.

Tbh, the chicken was leftovers from last night's dinner. I'm not sure if the chicken had honey or sugar on it, but it had a weird sweetness on it. But for today I'm not going to question it. I doubt it was sugar. I just don't want to have to restart this again! 

I'm surprised I'm actually eating avocado. I used to avoid them like the plague because of the fats I know they contain. I really can't believe I'm actually eating them now...but I guess I've learned to appreciate them. Perhaps they exist to teach me that fats really make one full! It's a wonder though how we can eat so many fries, crisps, and KFC. I wonder if one can get jelat on avocado.

I've also begun to drink more water. I think I'm slowly introducing disciplines of my ideal life back into my current life. Disciplines like drinking water, journaling, trying to leave work on time, having walks at night... These are habits that make me happy.

I was somehow really peckish today. I think it was the stress.

Even though I have two bars which have cocoa in them, and I even have a can of unsweetened cocoa now, I've somehow developed a dislike toward the thought of eating them. I really haven't been in a chocolate mood at all. Maybe this is how I really feel about chocolate. I'm not sure if this should be a bad day.

Quite a few people have told me that I've lost quite a bit of weight. I'm not going to step on a scale anytime soon - as per the "rule book". But I do look forward to the day I can wear my jeans again. :)

I am convinced that losing weight is pretty simple - eat protein, sleep early (like, 10 or 11pm), drink lots of water, and get exercise. That's about it.

I'm looking forward to getting to a supermarket tonight.

I know it's only been a few days, but I am tired of tuna and eggs.

I'm going to get me some bacon, bamboo shoots, mushrooms, and whatever cool things I can find tonight. Maybe that'll be better.

In a bind.

My mind is filled with so many thoughts and things to do I just needed to pop by to write and dump all this out so that I can get on with my day.

I feel incapacitated.
As if everything has caught me in a bind and I can no longer move....nor do I have any motivation to.

My life feels like some sort of lie of some sort. :(
I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down...and like I'm just falling into this pit that I can't crawl out of or stop myself from falling.

It's a pretty terrible feeling.
What brought me here?

I took a walk today...

It's probably been a year or two since I took a proper "let's go out and exercise" walk.
And I guess it felt good.

There has been a lot of things on my mind lately - from worries about personal issues, to finances, to family finances, work finances, career development, staff, my parents' health, my own health - it seems like these past three years have been non-stop torture. Okay, so there have been some nice rests in between, but yes...I needed that walk.

I guess part of me still feels like I'm stuck.
As if I'm stuck in some moment in time, or in some memory, or in a bad place which I can't get out of... and all this whilst the world is just chugging all ahead around me. It's that dreaded feeling as if you know your body is in terrible shape and completing that 2.4km run is going to take you forever... but you HAVE to do it because at some point it was a requirement in life. So you start running anyway, you give it all you've got for the first 400 metres or so, but at some point you realize the rest of the class is pulling away so far ahead of you with so much more ease and the imminent danger (and fear) of being tired, wrecked and alone is about to hit you... and you physically just can't do anything about it except to just drag your pathetic body along and hope you'll be alive at the end of it.

It's not a nice feeling.

(Comically, at this point of my writing, I feel like I should put on a Katy Perry song about plastic bags and fireworks. But honestly, what use is that going to be? Also, am I the only one thinking that the firework-shooting bralet she wore in her MTV was really unnecessary and inappropriate?)

Perhaps it's typically INFP, but I often feel like I'm living a life where I'm not quite playing the main character in. It's like that sinking feeling when you meant to choose the awesome dashing Ryu, but you just pushed the joystick a little too far and punched the OK button a little too fast, and suddenly you're Ken - with a disgusting unkempt mop of bleached-out hair and you hate the fake tan and gross red outfit you're in. You were supposed to be mysterious, not angry dammit! (Yes, I always chose the guys in Street Fighter. It needed to be either Ryu or Vega. Chunli's voice and hair buns annoyed the heck out of me. Okay, she gets some stars for that upside down helicopter kick, but that's all she was good for.)

I miss gaming.
And I'm rambling.

But yes, I feel like I'm not the person I want to be...or the person that I should be... or the person that I am.

I've had so many thoughts recently that I've pretty much come to a point where I'm almost afraid to sleep. It's an irrational fear. Well, I suppose part of it is rational - I've been having a couple of nightmares of losing my dad (after a heart attack episode that happened a few months ago) and other weird dreams... and also because I know that once I get to sleep, I will have to wake up, and when I wake up, it'll be another day of SO much to do.

It's rational and irrational.
It'd be so much wiser if I just sleep early because I will have to get up anyway, but at least I would be a lot more rested. But no... here I am pretty much fighting sleep.

On other notes, here's an awesome Tedtalk about the effects of sleep deprivation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqONk48l5vY

Okay, I'm just going to lie in bed now and try to think about nothing in particular so that I'll hopefully get bored and fall asleep... and get my 4 hours of sleep. Hurrah.

Well, at least I took the effort to write today. I think writing somewhat helps to heal me.
And I'm probably going to take another walk tomorrow. That's probably going to turn out to be a great idea.

Unwell.

I am unwell.

I woke up today with the chills, aches, a bad runny nose, and a terrible fever. The fever was so high that washing my hands gave me the chills, and putting on my jeans in the morning felt as if I had retrieved them from having been left outside on a cold winter's day. And mind you, that this is tropical Singapore where our temperatures probably average at about 28 degrees Celcius throughout the year.

I have never been unwell so often in my life.

Today, possibly for the first time in my life, I popped two Panadols. It was a shocking experience for me because I usually avoid self-medicating like the plague. I hate meds and hate the thought that I cannot have full control over my body and have to rely on a pellet of crushed compacted concocted powders from goodness knows where, to heal my body. Maybe it's OCD, but I hate meds.

But today, I had to pop them because of all the work I have to accomplish today. And surprisingly, after huddling up in my down-feather comforter for an hour and shivering whilst I slept, I woke up without the chills by the end of the hour. THANK GOD. I still have a mild fever, aches, and a runny nose, but I CAN WORK. Yay!

Being unwell has really gotten me thinking about my life though and how my health has gone to the dogs - what with this high stress, sedentary life. Even with having gone back to fencing, it's not enough to get me back in shape. I've been putting on weight in fact! :(

The last thing I want to be is a Debbie Downer when it comes to life!
There's is so much in life to live for. And so much that life has to offer!

Day 144: Trying to deal with life now.

Pain Level: 0 - Guess most things are healed up. 

Swelling: My right cheek felt really tight yesterday and a little swollen. I wonder if it's because I've begun sleeping on my side again.

Other weirdness: Seen a few bone spurs in my gums.

Mood: Heavy-hearted.

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a tough time on the company and in my life. I haven't had time for myself or to think about rest or taking care of myself. My diet has gone to the dogs and my scalp is still sad. I'd also given up grad school in the midst of this hurricane of life.

Going to be quiet for a while here whilst I try to get life in order.

I can't wait for Christmas to come and for 2014 to be over already.

Day 109: Learning to love myself more.

Pain Level: 1 - A little bump of a bone in my upper palate hurts sometimes, but otherwise things are alright.

Swelling: Right cheek still tight. Same part of lip and chin still numb.

Sleep last night: Not too good. Been having trouble sleeping. Not sure why.
Other weirdness: I stutter sometimes as the jaw goes a bit wonky. Surgeonman says it's normal and it takes time to adjust.

Mood: A little tired.

Something has been affecting my energy levels and even Surgeonman was a little concerned about that. I suppose with my dropping hair and really bad rashes, I've begun to be increasingly concerned about my health. 

Chopped off something like 5 inches!
Had to do something to stop
the dropping!

This week, I popped by the polyclinic to check if my rashes was some issue with my immune system - because everything seems to be showing up only on the left side of my body. Two hours later (with a lot of waiting in between), the doctor's diagnosis was that my rashes and dry skin and scalp (which is apparently is what is causing the hairloss) were probably due to stress than a problem with my immune system or my stylist's guess of hormonal fluctuations. Surgeonman seemed to similarly guess the same - that it might be from stress due to the major changes in how I look and adapting to that.  I didn't think stress was that big an issue, but I suppose with all that's been happening, they might be right. And it doesn't help that I haven't been getting much exercise and that my diet hasn't been very good for me. I have yet to sign up for the Pilates classes that I've been wanting to do for a while, but I somehow feel like too much is going on in life right now for me to take anymore on.

I cleared a couple of questions with Surgeonman today too... including:

• Q: When can I get my plates out?A: Preferably not. It's not necessary. If anything, maybe one year later.
• Q: I think I have a cavity cause one tooth really hurts when I brush.A: <was referred to an in-house dentist who took a little xray and showed no cavity> Might be a sensitive tooth. Consider swapping to a toothpaste for sensitive teeth.
• Q: What's the bump on my upper palate that hurts sometimes? It feels like a bone.A: Turned out to be some hook thing that's connected to some muscles. Surgeonman says that it's normal because the upper jaw was moved up, but the hook wasn't, so it just needs time to adapt. 
• Q: I've been having weird rashes. Does the surgery affect the hormones or the immune system?A: No. It's probably from stress. Think about what might be the cause of it. (Surgeonman was really nice about it saying they have the resources and stuff... but I don't think I want to go to a therapist. Issues might shift to old memories and I don't want to go there.)

The doctor at the polyclinic has referred me to the National Skin Centre for them to take a closer look at my rashes (which are honestly really gross with little bubbles). My appointment with them is scheduled for December... I hope I'll still have some hair come December. Please stop dropping! Oh, did I also mention that I decided to chop my locks to try to reduce the amount of hair that falls? Hasn't quite worked because I think the same number of strands are dropping....except that it doesn't look as scary as before because they are slightly shorter. 

Sorry, little roti prata. :/

About the memory lapses - things are a little better now. At least I can shower properly without weird "second-takes". The latest victim to my memory lapses was a piece of roti prata that I forgot on the stove though. :/ 

The plan is for me to try to take things a bit easier... I probably have to tell my sister and staff that I am under doctor's orders to breathe easier. I'm going to start a habit of taking walks in the mornings. Maybe that will help some. That, and to pray that the situation with my factory improves that would help to take some stress of life for a bit. 

Gotta remember that I'm still healing!

Day 96

Pain Level: 2 - Teeth somehow feel really raw today.

Swelling: I am convinced that my face looks swollen, but it's actually fats.

Sleep last night: Meh. Woke up to my little sis banging on a lot of metallic stuff. Wasn't a good start.

Other weirdness: When I drink cold water or use mouthwash, very specific parts of my cheeks feel cold. It's as if there are "cold spots".

Mood: Tired

Please excuse the caps in the previous post. I was trying to use the Blogger app on my iPhone to test it out to see if it made blogging easier. The post looked completely fine on the app preview, but I was so shocked when I opened it today on the laptop. I have no idea how it became that way. I guess that's the last time I'm using the app.

I did go back and adjusted the font size, but it's a little too much for me to delete and retype everything sans-capitalization, so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I wasn't drunk writing that, I promise.

My body has been really tired these few days....and I'm starting to worry about the rate of my dropping hair. It's so bad that even my staff commented about it. Part of me is wondering if it's actually the supplements that I'm taking that is causing my hair to drop. Or more likely not enough sleep...

I think I'll start taking my "Sleep by 10pm" seriously.
Okay, off to try to get some rest.

Day 83: Identifying with other types of sick people and weird stuff.

It's 4am in the morning and here I am writing a post because my sleep cycle has somehow been turned on its head a bit for the past few weeks. I don't know if it's stress from work, or just part of the recovery journey, but I haven't been able to sleep early.

It's been a tough few weeks in the sense that I've grown to identify with some aspects of three types of sicknesses in the world...well, two sicknesses, and one aging problem. With the issues I've faced, I've felt like an old lady, an Alzheimer's patient, and a cancer patient.

The Old Lady

There are a lot of things age takes away from you, and one of those abilities are that of chewing properly... except that my current inability to chew isn't from aging. I think it's a combination of the sensitivity of my jaws and teeth, as well as my fear of biting into something that will mess everything up, that has left me - at almost 3 months post-op - still tearing/cutting things into itty bits and swallowing them whole.

I met with Surgeonman last week, and when I told him that I can't seem to chew, he seemed a little shocked and joked that he didn't want me turning into an "auntie" (which is the local slang for an old woman). Thing is, I'm totally not used to my new bite and it really freaks me out that I might bite something and find my jaws locked in some weird position or something. Maybe it's a confidence issue that will build over time.

I haven't been losing weight though - in fact, I've put back 4 of the 10 kilos I lost from the first couple of weeks of syringing. I think after those first few weeks of close to nothing in my body because I had no appetite at all, my metabolism is probably at a rock bottom low and everything now that is put into my mouth now immediately goes into some "just in case" fat storage or something. Silly body. Stop it!

The Alzheimer's Patient

I now have an even deeper appreciation for the parts of the movie "The Notebook" where it shows Ally getting all worked up because of Alzheimer's. Being unable to remember is THOROUGHLY frustrating.

Not funny.

I have been forgetful. REALLY forgetful. And it feels horrible... especially when I forget things that I should remember. Names, people, plans, things to do, stuff I was just talking about and lost my train of thought mid-conversation... it's terrible. I literally asked my staff "What was I just talking about?" at least 4 times today in a span of 3 hours during our discussions. And today, I met a girl and asked her who she was, and as the group discussion went on and I listened to the comments she made and the little snippets she shared about herself, I realized that I might have had a really long conversation with her a few weeks back and had given her a ride home. I don't remember when or where that happened, but it was like a vague memory... and I honestly don't often forget people - especially when I've spent a while with them and heard from them. This forgetfulness makes one feel silly, stupid, and somewhat irresponsible. It's not fun and I really don't enjoy it.

I did a little search today and found that there's a real medical post-operative forgetfulness thing called "Post Operative Cognitive Dysfunction" otherwise known an POCD which is caused by general anesthesia... un-fun fact: its effects can be long-term. :( There goes my dreams of becoming a university professor. :(( The recommendation I've read so far is to take a gingko-biloba supplement. Great, ANOTHER supplement. I'm already taking a Vitamin C + D tablet, an Omega 3 capsule, a Vitamin B tablet, and another for my hair.

From zero supplements to popping seven a day... maybe I should explore natural remedies.

The Cancer Victim

There are a lot of things I remember about watching my sister's experience with cancer, but one of the tough parts of that was seeing her hair shaved off and how that affected her self-esteem. There was a lot in that phase of life for her, but I remember that the day she decided to allow my mum to just shave it all off, it really hurt me watching her suffer through that. But I guess I'm now experiencing a tiny little hint of what that felt like for her.

Even with my silica hair supplements, my hair has not stopped dropping. It literally drops so much, I am now afraid to wash it daily. Even tonight, the little drain hole in my shower got clogged because of all the hair that decided to leave me. It isn't a positive experience at all, especially as a woman. My hair is supposed to be my "crowning glory" darn it!

I'm thinking I should go and see a trichologist or something now... :( It's terribly depressing.

Other Weird Stuff

Imagine this sound
flowing through your bones. Yuck.

I have found myself VERY sensitive to the sound and feeling of metal on metal, or generally things that involve some sort of metal vibrations. Like when the metal zipper of my bag accidentally scratched against my Macbook pro cover, or when I hold a metal fork or spoon whilst eating and it taps on my ceramic plate. The sound/feeling somehow gives me the goosebumps and I feel like I can feel the vibrations through my bones or something!

It's really weird. I'm starting to think I'm one of the weirdest jaw surgery patients around. >_>


On Happier Notes...

• My jaw can now open almost two fingers apart! Surgeonman says my lack of ability to open as wide (my sister can open her jaw 4 fingers apart!) is due to a jaw rotational thing I have to work on... but I think in time, with the exercises, things should improve.
• I have now gone back to using my normal sized tooth brush. I didn't quite choose that - because what really happened was that I accidentally bumped my baby toothbrush straight into the toilet - but I guess it's a good thing somewhat. Not a big deal, but just something more "normal" I've graduated back to.

Okay, enough writing...time to try to get to sleep. It's almost five in the morning! And I have work today!

Day 43: What sugar does...is BAD.

Pain Level: 0 - Not that I can really remember.

Swelling: Patience...

Sleep last night: Still not too good... maybe 2 am? Woke up for work at 9am though.
Other weirdness: Still ravenous this evening.

Mood: Tired and a bit frustrated that I ate SO much.

Tonight I went to a party and it was an interesting experience. It was my first time meeting up with some people since the surgery and a lot of them hadn't seen me since. It was a big risk, but I knew I would have to get out some day. For one, I decided to go with a closer friend of mine because I was a bit nervous about meeting people again. What I remember was that she hadn't seen me since the surgery, and what I didn't expect was that totally couldn't recognize me. :/ Later in the evening, I even had a guy whom I knew from the sports union in my university (because I was a fencer) ask me about my reasons for doing the surgery... and went on to talk about veneers and plastic surgery. =_= 

I left the party wondering if I was happy with now looking quite different. I didn't quite have an answer... guess I'm still a work in progress and that this stage of acceptance is still ongoing.

I totally believe what the Primal Living says about carbs and sugars now because I went nuts after my Nutella mix this evening... I can't believe all that I ate tonight. I came home thinking "I'm hungry" and battled with the "I think I might just shower and sleep... either that, or eat". And "eat" won out... TEN TIMES over. I was so hungry, just kept going. And half the things I didn't even really like! Nor was it pleasurable to eat! :( I honestly don't think that I would have stopped if I didn't just say "No, enough." I can't believe just a couple of weeks ago I was freaking out about my lack of food, and now I'm freaking out about how ravenous I am. It's ridiculous.

I have a retreat on the weekend and I needed to prepare for it, but I haven't packed and I'm so tired. :/ I don't know if it's stress, or that time of the month, or what else it is that's going on with me, but I can't wait to get over this phase!

Food Report

Breakfast

• 1 egg salad sandwich (white bread. :()
• Supplements: HiOmega3, CalcD, Vitamin B, Redoxon+Zinc, Floron Iron Tablet

Lunch

• 2 scrambled eggs with Almond Milk with a tomato, a few bits of onion and carrots

Dinner (Went berserk after the Nutella!! :((()

• 2 Tbspn of Nutella with Black Sesame and Almond Milk
• One Char Siew Pau, 1 Steamed Prawn Dumpling
  (Really didn't have to have this. I could have stopped here.)
• Half a cup of Quinoa with 3 slices of smoked salmon
  (The salmon was good, but the Quinoa went EVERYWHERE in my mouth. I usually would just stop because I would panick about the stitches, but I didn't today. :()
• 4 chicken drumsticks
  (Considering I just tore bits and pieces and stuffed them through the gap in my teeth and swallowed the pieces whole, this wasn't very appetizing to eat. The spices were nice, and the fats were nice, but it generally was pushing the limits for me.)
• Half a yam puff, Half a siew mai, 2 pieces of rice noodle dim sum
  (There were hard bits. This tasted so bad. :()
• Supplements: CalcD, Hi-Omega3

Day 33: Unmotivated

Pain Level: 1 -  Got weird electrocutey feelings in my chin and lip (where it's currently numb) on my walk out to the supermarket today. Other than that, nothing much bothered me today.

Swelling: I've pretty much given up on keeping track now.

Sleep last night: Was okay. I think I got about 6 hours. Weird dreams.
Other weirdness: Pee tonight was a neon yellow today. I think it's because I've added a Vitamin B supplement to my diet. #0_o# Rash below nose still there. One little rash seems to have developed into a bump.

Mood: Unmotivated.

I've recently become very disinterested in work issues and a lot more interested in the activities that I feel are more important in my life. It's hard to put a finger on it, but I think I've just become very much jaded by all that has been going on around me - dealing with legal issues, trying to figure people out, considering business options.... is this the life I want to live?

Today my mind just focused on what was a serious, but perhaps silly question, "Is it possible to grow taller at this age?"

I've been researching a couple of different options - including this weird, but seemingly very wide-spread one called "Grow Taller for Idiots", and there's another one which works with a pill and stretches. I'm a little skeptical, so I'm going to hold on to the purchases for a while and talk to one of my aunts. My aunt actually did visit a doctor who prescribed her sons with some growth hormone pills and now they are REALLY tall. I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday to ask her about it... I figure that if there is something out there that works, even if it's just exercise and proper sleeping patterns, I might just give it a go. If I'm serious about exploring modeling, I need to break into the 5'4 or more.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I suppose it is a good thing that there is a certain level of commitment and passion to getting to this goal of mine. If it works, it might just open new doors for me. Maybe. But at least I try.

I'll have to get back on track tomorrow. A lot of people are depending on me.
I also need to start thinking about the future (beyond all the whirlwind of stuff at work) soon.

In the meantime, I've keeping myself well occupied with research and writing... and thinking of new syringe-friendly foods so that I will keep myself satiated as I can feel my body starting to craving to chew on things again. I've been encouraged by a friend that I should really be posting up my photos and recipes of my plethora of syringe-friendly foods... Maybe I'll do a food, or "food", post soon. :) Gotta watch my weight though... I still have about 8 kilos to lose to get to my target weight.

Food Report

Brunch (Woke up a little late today)

• 1 bowl of preserved olive porridge with a dash of cajun spices and paprika (this was SO good!)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule, Redoxon (Vit C+Zinc)

This was dinner tonight. :)
Herb-baked salmon with
spinach in egg drop soup.
I was SO happy how protein-packed
it was... and that I had VEGETABLES!

Tea

• 1 can of coconut water (Yuck. Wish it were fresh. It tastes so different (see: disgusting) in a can.)
• Supplements: Vitamin B

Dinner

• 2 bowls of herb-baked salmon with spinach in egg drop soup
• One piece of fried breadcrumb crusted fish which was one of the dishes for the family dinner today.  (I tore it into tiny bits and put it into my mouth... yes, I even tried to chew a bit. But it didn't work. Tasted nice though... even though I had to swallow it like a pill at the end.)
• Supplements: CalcD tablet, Hi-Omega3 capsule

Exercise

• Walked out to the supermarket

High point of the day
I think getting some outside-work work done.
Low point of the day
Not getting much real work done.

Closing Day 23: Low-low-low.

Pain Level: 1 - Had weird pains. I think they're stress-induced.

Swelling: Not tracking today.

Other weirdness: My warm compress brings the tingling sensation to my chin back.

Mood: Very stressed from work and other responsibilities. Feeling really lonely.

Sent an SOS to my friends today. No one had time. 
Had a stressful day today.
Had what might be considered a big dinner at the end of the day.
A lot on my mind. I really don't feel like writing.

So much work today that I don't feel like doing.

I miss my best friend (whom I can't talk to anymore). :(
It's a low day.

Food Report

Breakfast

• 1 McVities Digestive in Soy Almond Milk
• 1 cup Redoxon
• 1 CalcD tablet

Lunch Missed because of work. :(
Dinner

• 6 Orgran Rotondo Biscuits in Soy Almond Milk
• 1/2 cup Creamier Earl Grey and Lavender ice-cream with some Nutella stirred in
• 1 CalcD tablet

Day 21: The dark side of jaw surgery

Pain Level: 1 - Some aches (maybe due to stress), tingling in my chin. 

Swelling: I don't know.

Other weirdness: Too tired to think if anything weird is happening.

Mood: Really stressed and feeling really low

It hit today, the post-surgery woes.

And I just need to get it out.

• I feel really ugly now
• I feel like I now look as if I have an overbite (instead of my pre-surgery underbite).
• I keep wondering if something went wrong with the surgery and whether my surgeon made a wrong call to not do the genioplasty. (though I really debate about this too because inside, I really trust Surgeonman a lot)
• With my 3-6 mm impaction, my face/head looks too small for my body
• My shortened face makes me feel like some sort of imp
• I really dislike it how there looks like there's so much fat on my face now because of my cheeks sticking out
• My smaller face/head makes my body look a lot bigger and fatter
• Because my body suddenly feels bigger/fatter, I'm afraid to put on weight, and in fact feel like I need to lose a lot of weight to balance it out
• I think it's because I'm afraid to put on weight that I'm having problems eating now
• I'm afraid my lack of eating is going to affect my healing
• I miss my sharper chin
• My chin looks really fat
• My face shape looks weird and octogonal
• I miss my oval shaped face, even if it were a little long
• I don't know why, but I now have blackheads
• It looks as if my nose is a lot wider and a little more upturned. :(
• I've lost a lot of hair and they are still dropping, I am now afraid to wash/tie my hair 
• I'm really affected by a comment a woman whom I don't know made on FB that she thought I used to be gorgeous and "wished I appreciated what I had." :((((
• I'm thinking I've lost my beauty that I might have had before the surgery
• I'm really wondering whether I really look more Chinese. No offense to my ancestral culture, but it really isn't a compliment to me to look more Chinese. I've always been used to be mistaken to be Eurasian. : :(
• I'm starting to be afraid to go out
• I just want to sleep and not do anything
• I feel like I don't know myself anymore
• I am so busy and stressed by work issues, I don't have time to deal with all this right now
• My best friends are overseas and I'm feeling really alone
• I have friends here, but I think they're really too busy and I don't think I want to bother them with my issues

It's been a pretty rough day for me. I really tried to get out of it by getting out of the house and going for a walk to the library. It took me almost a half hour to walk there and it took so much out of me that I took a long nap after I got back. I was so superbly unproductive and there was so much stress on me that I just couldn't function... and having my dad constantly ask me questions about work issues isn't helping. I feel like my memory and brain function has been somehow hindered since the surgery.

I couldn't take it anymore and I told him "I need to manage my stress levels, I am losing so much hair" and I showed him where my hairline has been affected (it's so ugly)... and all he said was "it will grow back". :(((

I just want to crawl into a box today.

Food Report

Breakfast
1/2 bowl Banana, Soymilk and almond blend with cinnamon
Cal+D Tablet

Lunch
1 bowl Seaweed and egg soup

Dinner
150mls 100% Pure Apple Juice
1 cup Redoxon
Too stressed by work to eat anything else.
Cal+D Tablet

High point of the day
Went for a walk to the library and got my hands on the Primal Blueprint book. :)
Low point of the day
Psychological struggles with the darker side of the surgery. Stress.

Day 16: Work stress and Hairfall :(

Pain Level: 0 - Left side of chin just getting little prickles.

Swelling: About the same. Fat chin. :(

Other weirdness: Left lower lip still numb.

Mood: A little tired. 

Other than really stressful work situations, I've spent most of the day watching youtube videos on transformations. Stress really got to me today and it really affected my appetite. :( Everything I ate today, I really had to force myself to eat.

I don't know if this lack of appetite is common post-surgery. Part of me knows that I really need nutrition in me, and yet I really just feel no desire to eat. I'm past two weeks post-surgery, I just got off my meds yesterday (because Surgeonman said it was not necessary anymore as I was already 2 weeks postop), I'm off painkillers... so I really don't know what is getting to me. I do need time to just relax though.

Hope it helps.

My hair has been falling quite a bit these past two weeks too. It might have been due to the meds, or "post-surgery stress" as the clinic calls it. I went out the pharmacist's today in hopes of finding something that might help and came back with a Calcium & Vitamin D supplement, as well as a hair supplement containing Biotin - which I hope will help. I also got a new Hairfall-prevention shampoo in hopes to save my poor traumatized hair.

I think I'm just going to get a lot of sleep tonight and see how tomorrow goes.

Food Report

Breakfast
1/2 cup of Banana Nutella Smoothie

Lunch
1/2 bowl of yogurt
1 cup of Fybogel (to help with the fibre)

Dinner
1 bowl of Egg and Spinach Soup (without salt)

High point of the day
Walk out the supermarket and getting the supplements I need.
Low point of the day
Getting very upset about a work issue