Friday, November 21, 2014

God gives and takes away.

Taken just this afternoon...
I took in two 8-week old bunnies and two adult rabbits about a week ago, and tonight I just lost one of the little ones. She was sick by the time I got her. I knew something was wrong because she wasn't walking and she seemed to have breathing difficulties. I brought her to the vet two days ago and she was diagnosed with a cold, bone growth problems, and some infection on her ears.

For the past two days, I had been mothering this baby...and tonight, I lost her.

Her body was cold and limp when I got home, She was really weak. She start gasping, squealing, a seizure...then she was gone. I tried giving her some nutrition, I tried a hot water bottle, I tried to call an emergency animal clinic... but I knew she couldn't make it. And there was nothing medical or skillful that I could do.

I was so distraught I held her lifeless body and insisted there was still life in it as she was still warm. I put her limp body in my lap and sped halfway across Singapore to the 24-hour emergency animal hospital praying praying praying that God would revive her. But she had no more heartbeat. I just stood at the counter of the hospital and cried. Right now, I don't even have the heart to bury her.

I remember a time when I saw a litter of abandoned newborn kittens left in a box out in the scorching sun. When I spotted them, I panicked as I looked through the litter of six - hunting for some life left in them. I saw movements in three of them, so I shooed the flies away, picked up their little bodies reeking of excrement and brought them into my office. I remember praying so hard as I held them and took a warm damp cloth and cleaned each one of them. I remember out of the three I cleaned, only two showed signs of life and breathing so I eventually cleaned them up, prayed over them, and put them in a box with me in my office. They didn't survive till the end of the day.... I don't think their bodies could take the cow's milk that was all I had on hand... but it hurt to see how cruel people could be.

Then there was a time when I heard that some crazy neighbour was abusing some kittens and my brother heard it and went to save it. By the time he got to the kitten, it was completely wet (the crazy neighbour was trying to drown it) and unconscious. I remember seeing it in a box my brother found as I called the SPCA and watched the kitten as my heart pounded with every second that passed as we waited for the SPCA to arrive. I still remember how they just looked in the box and said "it's dead" and turned to leave. I also remember how I told them "LOOK CAREFULLY! See! It's moving!" as the little kitten twitched slightly. I was worried sick as they took the box and the kitten from me. I didn't know if I could trust them with that little life, though I had just met it, with as much care as I wish I could have offered.

I remember the bird with the broken wing, the baby bat hurt in the middle of a footpath, the turtle that was abused... animals have been a big part of my life.

When I was 16, all I wanted to do was become a vet. I remember the passion that I had and the deep desire to have the skills and ability to heal animals. There was nothing more i wanted... but Singapore simply didn't have that course back then. I even went to Australia and met the Dean of Murdoch university to explore the possibility of studying veterinary medicine...but eventually gave it up because I knew it was too expensive for my parents - and that I had two younger siblings whom had yet to go to university.

My heart hurts today. It hurts because I once again feel helpless that I couldn't save that little life. I really wish I could have watched her grow and overcome her illness.

But I guess God gives and takes away.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Day 144: Trying to deal with life now.

Pain Level: 0 - Guess most things are healed up. 
Swelling: My right cheek felt really tight yesterday and a little swollen. I wonder if it's because I've begun sleeping on my side again.
Other weirdness: Seen a few bone spurs in my gums.
Mood: Heavy-hearted.

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a tough time on the company and in my life. I haven't had time for myself or to think about rest or taking care of myself. My diet has gone to the dogs and my scalp is still sad. I'd also given up grad school in the midst of this hurricane of life.

Going to be quiet for a while here whilst I try to get life in order.

I can't wait for Christmas to come and for 2014 to be over already.