the deviation

I meant to write this earlier in March... but only got so far as the title (according to the date-stamp on this draft).

As I re-read my posts, I saw the deviation.

I used to live a life to inspire others. "Aspire to Inspire" was my mantra - and everything I did revolved around it. The choices I made, the activities I got involved in, the friends I chose, and the things I wrote... everything in me wanted to simply make a positive difference to the world in some small way. Even if it were some silly thoughts I randomly scribbled down and publicly posted somewhere, if I could make a little light in a stranger's life, even if I never knew about the tiny difference I made, that was good enough for me.

And yet, look at the deviation.

And with the deviation came the snowballs effects - physical, emotional, mental, social - so many things have changed since. I've put on so much weight, I'd started battling a lingering darkness, friends have come and gone, and some  -  the kind long-suffering ones - have kindly stayed. I've done my best to be a better human in this phase towards the ones I love and care about, and yet I am also aware how limited that capacity has become amidst the drain of life's circumstances. 

I've heard about the theory of how women enter this "masculine energy" because they were in circumstances that they felt they had to be this courageous protector and warrior of sorts - simply to stay alive. Perhaps that's what happened to me.

But I don't want to be this person anymore - it's tiring.

I don't want to be called "brave", or "strong" or even "inspirational", anymore.

I miss my simpler life of enjoying sundresses, and walks, and markets, and other girly things I took joy in.

As much I feel like I'm a late bloomer in a lot of phases of life - in that of relationships, and love, and learning to interact with humans in general - yet, at the same time, I feel like I've jumped a few years with the zone I'm in now. I feel like I've entered a season where I just want to have a simple peaceful life. I do not need any titles, or awards, or accolades, or praises. I just want a small space in the world where I can just be peaceful.

And when I go, I only want to be known as "kind". And, if I may be so honoured, perhaps also be remembered as "loving".

They needn't know my name. 
They need not know where I come from.
They need not even know that I made a tiny difference to them feeling like a significant being in this world.

This is how I will live out the rest of my life - to simply choose to show a little kindness, and hints of love - to humans, and animals, and to plants, alike.
And maybe that's how I will return back to aspiring to inspire...
Except, perhaps now as an unimportant stranger.

A few drinks later

My shoulders are still heavy.

And all I can think about is how I loved you.
The pain is familiar - comforting and excruciating.

What sort of cruel one-way imprint sorcery is this?
Perhaps you are the cigarette I pull when life gets too hard... a slow suicide without harming anyone but myself. Like the way one cuts to find a pain greater than the one in the present, just to distract from the current.... but pain nonetheless.

I have been a good girl pretty much my whole life. I've done everything I could to be a good human thus far in my brief fleeting life.
Why do I deserve this?


Waiter, a pint of happiness please.

#uncuratedreallife

Missing the kitchen

I'm not in my pastry kitchen today when I really should be.
They have so much to do.

But my heart is dead.

Today, repairs include sorting through my belongings and starting to pack.

I need to make progress.

The list

My heart died last week. 

It happened after a series of events and confusions that eventually ended with me going into a full-force lash out/meltdown. After that, my heart just died.

From that incident, I just had three days to help the company push through the CNY rush. I threw myself fully into it - the pastry production, the springcleaning, the work - afterall, this was all I knew... this was all my life revolved around for years on end. I gave up so many things for this, hoping I could fix this. I thought I could mend a land that was dying. I thought I could bring it to flourish. Instead, it overwhelmed me. I was simply not good enough. But I pushed myself and chose to be responsible and all till the end of the season, even if it killed me. But I am not good enough. And it did - it killed me.

At the end of it - exhausted emotionally and physically - I felt a second death inside.

I was so broken.

Having given so much to the business, I only have a very small handful of friends... of which I perhaps only trust three. At the lowest point, I tried to find help in this circle...

One, I was thankful took time to walk with me on a particularly low day.
Another was having too much fun and drinking when she picked up my call.
And the third, my most trustworthy perhaps, responded too quickly in a way that caused a lot more hurt than she probably realized.

At the end of that, I've found...perhaps isolation is not such a bad thing after all.

Perhaps it is a necessary part of my journey to just go out into the world being comfortable with it being just me and my cat... of all the statistically average 5-7 years left of his life with me (assuming he lives to 12 or so).

Now with the lunar new year break, I have had time to myself... I have decided that I will go.

But before I do, I need to finish a list.

1. Bake J's cake. Of all the guys in my life, he's probably been the one I've gone to with some of the hardest of times. I have been so thankful for him. I care for him deeply, but he's also very guarded - and I think I can understand why. I owe him a birthday cake. I don't know why he chose such a complicated cake. But I'm going to try. It's the least I could do to say thank you before I leave. 

2. Get some work stuff together that I owe some of my team - a cheque I need to find, a contract I need to locate, and the rest of the seasonal menus for the year (maybe this I can send at a later time) - just to help them tide over whilst they replace me and find their footing again.

3. A list of things that my siblings need to watch out for when it comes to the parents. There are so many things I worry about so often that I suppose comes with being the only single of my siblings and living with my parents... but I just can't bear the burden anymore. I've done all I can for the family all my life. I need to be able to trust them to care enough to now take over. Or maybe this they will figure out over time once I'm gone.

4. Extract myself from the company totally. Probably going to be the most complicated administratively as the company relied a lot on my credit score to support it through Covid and the really difficult seasons. It's going to be painful, but I have to just cut things off so they can be independent and do much better without me.

5. Donating/Selling/Throwing away stuff. If Socs and I are going to have to be mobile, I am going to have to travel very light. I don't want anything left here. If the parents can rent out my room, it might also help them. I don't need much. I just need a backpack, a pair of slippers, shoes, and boots, perhaps a rainjacket and a bottle of water... okay, I need to start a more detailed list for this, or - given the interest of time -  perhaps I should just go and wing it along the way.

I suppose that's it.

This is my closing list.

This is part of the journey. 
Even though it hurts, I choose to trust the process.

I start on this tonight.

The capacity to care

I have no more capacity to care.
Be clear, that this is different from the capacity to love.
Perhaps one is a subset of another, but for today, to protect the goodness I still hope I have, they are disparate.

I have no more capacity for passive aggressive behaviours.
I already have my own demons to fight, on somedays it takes all of me to stay alive. I'd much rather not deal with yours as well.

I have no capacity for your wounds, including the new ones you make.
I already have my own, and I am doing everything I can to not think about them.

I have no capacity for your brattish inclinations.
I already have people in my life that I love that I expend my limited energies to care for.

I have no capacity for your illogical unwise decisions.
"I told you so" no longer works, because I've already given up on cautioning you.

I guess I'm writing today because I'm concerned that my capacities are depleting...
Like a tired nurse in a war-zone with depleting supplies... sooner or later you will have to harden your heart to those you used to help, and embrace the darkness that accepts mortality wholeheartedly.

What is this darkness that lingers so long?
Has it enjoyed my company so much that it has set up camp for the long run?
Or perhaps it is on a mission - determined to douse my protected flame of idealistic kindness.

And yet I choose to struggle against it.
For darkness is insignificant in this world that is already clouded over.

What is it to be a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and yet find oneself the exhausted lost wanderer; pillaged by the journey thus far?

Focus:

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Where is the love?