Tuesday, October 09, 2018

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible options...as you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.

1 comment:

  1. Ariela, I am worried about you after reading this post. It sounds like you are really hurting. I implore you to think about the future. And to know that healing takes time, energy, and focus. And please take care of yourself and don't stay up until 3am. Getting to sleep early helps mood and gives energy to keep fighting.

    Sorry to be bossy and give so much advice but from reading your blog over the years, I think you are a great person and I am pulling for you to heal and come out stronger and happier. Please be selfish and choose your own happiness and health over other people or feelings.