Be Free

It's 6am in London and although I can feel that the storm in me is still more gloomy than the weather, I'm grateful to be here. It has been a long time since I woke up peacefully at 5am. And even longer that I've woken up and opted to write.

I guess being in a timezone so different from "normal life" back in Singapore helps some. I am still concerned for the kitchens and bakeries back home, but I will just have to find a way to balance out my goals for coming here (whatever they may be) as well as my responsibilities back home. 

The flight here was wonderful. I sat next to an lady in her 80s who was born during the time of the second World War. And it was so refreshing to speak to her about politics, and life in general. The conversation was natural and easy. 

I wrote some on the plane and thought to store it here...

I dont know if anyone still reads here, but if you do, tell me what you think?

"Be Free"

(Written on a plane from Singapore to London, 15 May 2024）

There are days far worse than these.

Even though life is parched in the desert, and the darkness of the void is tangible.

These days where the noise is deafening, and even the quiet blares.

There are days far worse than these.

There are days far worse than these.

Where the lines between good and evil are blurred by the pride of intellect or the charm of emotions.

And decisions are made with and above the analytical mind whilst the chained heart watches and wanes.

There are days far worse than these.

There are days far worse than these.

Where the screams for hope, for light, in the darkness are met with blindness and hallucinations of silver linings concoted by the darkness itself.

And yet they believe - it is not so bad after all.

Surely there are days far worse than these.

What good is there in believing that there are worse days?

'I am parched, but I will give life to survive."

"The darkness has befallen, but at least it has not consumed me whole."

The end has not yet come, but it is approaching.

What good is there in believing that there are worse days?

Run.

Run from these days, and the days far worse than these - for they are coming after you.

Leave them to consume themselves, and let them devour their own.

They do not belong to you, nor you to them.

Crashing cymbals, blaring horns, they rally you as a warcry to stay with the darkness.

Empty blows. A swipe at the wind.

You are not free. You are but a puppet and prisoner.

And one day you will tire and give in.

Run.

Take a deep breath and move like the wind.

Go to the places they never want to go.

They will chase you, but their strength will wane as their grip of you fails.

There is little time left, but there is still breath.

Break into the light, they cannot touch you there.

Be Free.

the deviation

I meant to write this earlier in March... but only got so far as the title (according to the date-stamp on this draft).

As I re-read my posts, I saw the deviation.

I used to live a life to inspire others. "Aspire to Inspire" was my mantra - and everything I did revolved around it. The choices I made, the activities I got involved in, the friends I chose, and the things I wrote... everything in me wanted to simply make a positive difference to the world in some small way. Even if it were some silly thoughts I randomly scribbled down and publicly posted somewhere, if I could make a little light in a stranger's life, even if I never knew about the tiny difference I made, that was good enough for me.

And yet, look at the deviation.

And with the deviation came the snowballs effects - physical, emotional, mental, social - so many things have changed since. I've put on so much weight, I'd started battling a lingering darkness, friends have come and gone, and some  -  the kind long-suffering ones - have kindly stayed. I've done my best to be a better human in this phase towards the ones I love and care about, and yet I am also aware how limited that capacity has become amidst the drain of life's circumstances. 

I've heard about the theory of how women enter this "masculine energy" because they were in circumstances that they felt they had to be this courageous protector and warrior of sorts - simply to stay alive. Perhaps that's what happened to me.

But I don't want to be this person anymore - it's tiring.

I don't want to be called "brave", or "strong" or even "inspirational", anymore.

I miss my simpler life of enjoying sundresses, and walks, and markets, and other girly things I took joy in.

As much I feel like I'm a late bloomer in a lot of phases of life - in that of relationships, and love, and learning to interact with humans in general - yet, at the same time, I feel like I've jumped a few years with the zone I'm in now. I feel like I've entered a season where I just want to have a simple peaceful life. I do not need any titles, or awards, or accolades, or praises. I just want a small space in the world where I can just be peaceful.

And when I go, I only want to be known as "kind". And, if I may be so honoured, perhaps also be remembered as "loving".

They needn't know my name. 
They need not know where I come from.
They need not even know that I made a tiny difference to them feeling like a significant being in this world.

This is how I will live out the rest of my life - to simply choose to show a little kindness, and hints of love - to humans, and animals, and to plants, alike.
And maybe that's how I will return back to aspiring to inspire...
Except, perhaps now as an unimportant stranger.

A few drinks later

My shoulders are still heavy.

And all I can think about is how I loved you.
The pain is familiar - comforting and excruciating.

What sort of cruel one-way imprint sorcery is this?
Perhaps you are the cigarette I pull when life gets too hard... a slow suicide without harming anyone but myself. Like the way one cuts to find a pain greater than the one in the present, just to distract from the current.... but pain nonetheless.

I have been a good girl pretty much my whole life. I've done everything I could to be a good human thus far in my brief fleeting life.
Why do I deserve this?


Waiter, a pint of happiness please.

#uncuratedreallife

Missing the kitchen

I'm not in my pastry kitchen today when I really should be.
They have so much to do.

But my heart is dead.

Today, repairs include sorting through my belongings and starting to pack.

I need to make progress.

The list

My heart died last week. 

It happened after a series of events and confusions that eventually ended with me going into a full-force lash out/meltdown. After that, my heart just died.

From that incident, I just had three days to help the company push through the CNY rush. I threw myself fully into it - the pastry production, the springcleaning, the work - afterall, this was all I knew... this was all my life revolved around for years on end. I gave up so many things for this, hoping I could fix this. I thought I could mend a land that was dying. I thought I could bring it to flourish. Instead, it overwhelmed me. I was simply not good enough. But I pushed myself and chose to be responsible and all till the end of the season, even if it killed me. But I am not good enough. And it did - it killed me.

At the end of it - exhausted emotionally and physically - I felt a second death inside.

I was so broken.

Having given so much to the business, I only have a very small handful of friends... of which I perhaps only trust three. At the lowest point, I tried to find help in this circle...

One, I was thankful took time to walk with me on a particularly low day.
Another was having too much fun and drinking when she picked up my call.
And the third, my most trustworthy perhaps, responded too quickly in a way that caused a lot more hurt than she probably realized.

At the end of that, I've found...perhaps isolation is not such a bad thing after all.

Perhaps it is a necessary part of my journey to just go out into the world being comfortable with it being just me and my cat... of all the statistically average 5-7 years left of his life with me (assuming he lives to 12 or so).

Now with the lunar new year break, I have had time to myself... I have decided that I will go.

But before I do, I need to finish a list.

1. Bake J's cake. Of all the guys in my life, he's probably been the one I've gone to with some of the hardest of times. I have been so thankful for him. I care for him deeply, but he's also very guarded - and I think I can understand why. I owe him a birthday cake. I don't know why he chose such a complicated cake. But I'm going to try. It's the least I could do to say thank you before I leave. 

2. Get some work stuff together that I owe some of my team - a cheque I need to find, a contract I need to locate, and the rest of the seasonal menus for the year (maybe this I can send at a later time) - just to help them tide over whilst they replace me and find their footing again.

3. A list of things that my siblings need to watch out for when it comes to the parents. There are so many things I worry about so often that I suppose comes with being the only single of my siblings and living with my parents... but I just can't bear the burden anymore. I've done all I can for the family all my life. I need to be able to trust them to care enough to now take over. Or maybe this they will figure out over time once I'm gone.

4. Extract myself from the company totally. Probably going to be the most complicated administratively as the company relied a lot on my credit score to support it through Covid and the really difficult seasons. It's going to be painful, but I have to just cut things off so they can be independent and do much better without me.

5. Donating/Selling/Throwing away stuff. If Socs and I are going to have to be mobile, I am going to have to travel very light. I don't want anything left here. If the parents can rent out my room, it might also help them. I don't need much. I just need a backpack, a pair of slippers, shoes, and boots, perhaps a rainjacket and a bottle of water... okay, I need to start a more detailed list for this, or - given the interest of time -  perhaps I should just go and wing it along the way.

I suppose that's it.

This is my closing list.

This is part of the journey. 
Even though it hurts, I choose to trust the process.

I start on this tonight.

The capacity to care

I have no more capacity to care.
Be clear, that this is different from the capacity to love.
Perhaps one is a subset of another, but for today, to protect the goodness I still hope I have, they are disparate.

I have no more capacity for passive aggressive behaviours.
I already have my own demons to fight, on somedays it takes all of me to stay alive. I'd much rather not deal with yours as well.

I have no capacity for your wounds, including the new ones you make.
I already have my own, and I am doing everything I can to not think about them.

I have no capacity for your brattish inclinations.
I already have people in my life that I love that I expend my limited energies to care for.

I have no capacity for your illogical unwise decisions.
"I told you so" no longer works, because I've already given up on cautioning you.

I guess I'm writing today because I'm concerned that my capacities are depleting...
Like a tired nurse in a war-zone with depleting supplies... sooner or later you will have to harden your heart to those you used to help, and embrace the darkness that accepts mortality wholeheartedly.

What is this darkness that lingers so long?
Has it enjoyed my company so much that it has set up camp for the long run?
Or perhaps it is on a mission - determined to douse my protected flame of idealistic kindness.

And yet I choose to struggle against it.
For darkness is insignificant in this world that is already clouded over.

What is it to be a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, and yet find oneself the exhausted lost wanderer; pillaged by the journey thus far?

Focus:

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Where is the love?

The in-between

 Have you ever found yourself in a place where you feel like you don't quite fit in?

As if in a place of tribes, except you are alone - in the void between... an invisible space where no one can detect nor consider acknowledging the possibility of its existence.

I suppose it could be a beautiful place. Like a plain where one could grow a vast orchard... where fruits would abound and flower with life. And yet, on some days (perhaps most days where one does not have the energy of optimism) it's an empty vacuum... suffocating, and relentlessly dim.

And yet, would you share this land you live in?

Would you ask for another to visit?

Surely love would shut the light out - for fearing the darkness would douse its beauty.

Outside this shifting landscape, the value of the land seems worthless.
Who would trust this space - where one day it may be a gleaming palace, and the next, a toxic wasteland.
Surely there are places safer than this... even a small patch of grass would offer more security.


And yet, this space demands to be commanded.
Can its master lay claim and chart its destiny?

The world that steals the pure

When was it that the heart became hard and the mind so set...partnered with a mouth filled with foreign words concocted from a heart of pain?

What happened to the pure heart?
What happened to the soft kindness that desired so much to just be?

How has the world robbed the pure soul of its flight - shackled to the ground to be "steadfast", and "wise".

Is there no value to a childlike naivety?
Is there no beauty in the eyes of those who only see the world with curiosity and wonderment?
Is it not joyous when a soul can live with fully open arms, and a warm heart?

When was it that the cold set in?

Was it when the warm hand embraced one so cold that the chills doused the fire of love?
Or was it when the heart entered a place so tumultuous that the winds had encrusted it with a layer of shattered ice.

How did the loving heart yield?
How could it?

Why did the mind allow the feet that only sought peace and love to walk into such a place? Why were they found in a place where the thorns twisted and strangled the goodness of the step and choked the living breath of kind intention... each step, a cold blue suffocation.

The shocked heart feared, and the icy layer thickened.
The feet turned to run, and yet each fleeing step caused the thorns to pierce deeper still.
The mind struggled so much to find its way back to freedom - to that lightness of life it used to celebrate.

The world waged war on the innocent soul.
And yet Love fought valiantly to hold it together.

Where is the place of refuge?
It has a place, and yet there is none.
Is it a place one has to build? For there is none in this world - and the eyes dare not look.

Hold it together.
Remember.
You were created to love.
You were made for kindness.

Heart, stay warm.
Mind, stay pure.
Arms, stay open.
Feet, trust. Learn to walk again.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love.

Eyes, look Up.
The greatest of these is Love.

Love courageously?

Post watching the baby sister get hitched, my mind is filled with thoughts of why the best of people are so afraid to love. 

What is it that makes them want to protect themselves so forcefully? Why build walls so high that even their vision is marred?

And yet, today I've chosen that I will now set boundaries.

Boundaries, and obstacles in between... perhaps because that fear of breaking a heart with memory of a wound may hurt so much more - or worse, not survive another stroke. 

And yet, what is a heart without love?

Mine needs an outlet, a distraction...

I need to get that cat.

Life should be beautiful

It's almost 5 in the morning, and I've been through another round of purging of some of my belongings; constantly asking myself "do I love this?" and "do I want this to be part of my future self"? Yes, I thanked a lot of things as I let them go.

Something in me is desperately searching for that certainty of who I am and who I want to be. It's been a long time now, and it feels like it has been a never-ending search for meaning.

I had an epiphany today.

For the longest time in my life, I always thought I was bad at making decisions - specifically to that to deciding whether to give up or keep trying. At some point, I was convinced that that was possibly the most difficult question to answer - "When do you give up?" But I'd just realized that all this while I had been asking myself the wrong question. 

"To give up or press on" brings one on a slippery slope of weighing an infinite number of "pros and cons". Or perhaps, that strategy simply didn't work for me. My brain would constantly present me with the other questions of - "What have I missed?" and perhaps, more specifically, "What are the considerations that my unexperienced, dull, limited human mind, may have forgotten?"

And yet, today, I realized I had been asking myself the wrong questions after all.

The question really is - "Is this (dream, business, relationship, project...) something that I want in my future life? Does this add to my ideal self that I desire to build up?" 

Many times, the answer today was "no". Why have I carried all these for so long?

Perhaps my senses have dulled to cognitive dissonance. Perhaps my spirit has resigned to what was seen as a losing battle of life.

But I'm going to do what I can to change that.

Life should be a lot more beautiful than this. 

Of Vortexes

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a never-ending vortex?

A place of constant struggle to flee, and yet the trajectory of where you find yourself does not allow an escape? 

Perhaps you wish you had wings of your own to fly.

And yet the howling winds remind you that the torture of the constant swirl has long sapped your energies and broken your spirit.

Have you ever felt that life has had its way with you... Of having flung you around like a raggedy doll - without care, or respect.

Have you felt the desire so much to want to break free.

And yet the chains of the vortex pull you deeper still.

At some point of time, you have to convince yourself that this is all in your mind.

And perhaps there needs to be a lot of work in the convincing.

Perhaps it requires a total reset.

Perhaps you have to come to a place of quiet where you can no longer hear a thing.

A place where the howling stops.

A place where the opinions stop.

A place where the expectations stop.

A peaceful place where only your mind can go.

A new place that is not a vortex.

And yet you know that your mind is not to be underestimated.

There is a brilliance there that will drive to make the vortex a permanent tangibility.

But this should not be so.

Surely your spirit isn't to be trifled with either.

With great fear presents opportunity for great courage.

Save yourself.

Still your heart and mind.

Take that bold step out.

Even though you may fall...

It is still better than staying in the vortex till it steals even your breath - at that point it will be too late to go anywhere else.

It is not too late.

Of New Year resolutions

I spent the last weekend of 2019 with two of my mentees and we had the very meaningful activity of setting New Year Resolutions together. I enjoy specifics, so we broke them down into quite a few categories: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Financial, Career Development. That should cover most facets of life.

One of my emotional goals was to blog at least once a week.
I suppose writing is some form of a sustenance for me, as well as an outlet for my constantly troubled idealistic INFP mind.

I've got a lot of personal goals this year.
But I have to chart the systems to get what I want to be at the end of this year.
Hopefully my efforts to break everything into bite-sized pieces of life will help me move a little step ahead at a time.

One day at a time.

It's been a while since I've last written and I thought I should at least post an update...after all, my last post was pretty depressing.

This is a good juncture to also add that most things on social media - blogs included - often don't portray a holistic version of one's life. At least for me, this blog often contains either informative things I thought to share, or emotions too much for me to bear and needed to spill out somewhere. I suppose that last post fell into that "I needed to spill somewhere" category.

The truth is, last year was pretty rough for me... in fact, the past few years have been.
For something like the past 8 years now, every year brought with it something more devastating to me than the last. It's almost as if life was trying to turn me into an armadillo of sorts... except I don't think I have been recovering fast enough to be able to deal with the next blows.

A big break up, an unexpected law suit, a major surgery, having almost lost my father (twice), business troubles, and last year having some psychotic person stalk and harass me (plus later understanding there was barely any legal protection available for harassment cases unless I was willing to fork out so much money to control some mentally unstable human...)... that was pretty much my breaking point. I simply couldn't take it anymore.

(I don't know if you can empathize with my feelings of hopelessness in that case of harassment - when you listen from a third party cautioning you that there is a human alive relishing in their ability to spark fear in you by harassing you. I am probably stronger from that and would tell her to "F-off" if I ever see this human again...but I would wish it on no one. It is not a good experience. It is enough to know there are weird people out there, without having to experience it for yourself.)

I guess that last post came at some point of some night I was just feeling really sorry for myself.

It's kind of like reaching a place of helplessness where you feel abandoned by God, and by humans, and you just seek the last place where you found security... and then realized that that's not there either. It was a hopeless place... I suppose it was worse when throughout all these years, I've found that I've had to hide all this brokenness. I had to keep up with appearances, and try to be strong...and when I faltered, and decided to stay home and just be real with myself, I felt guilty and irresponsible.

Have things gotten better since last year?

Yes and No.

Yes, in the sense that my harasser has stopped (although she is still on the loose somewhere in this country and probably still needs psychiatric help).

But no, in the sense that I've developed sporadic panic attacks..which are probably from the cumulative amount of traumatic experiences I haven't had time to process.

Since last year I made quite a few changes though... I dropped out of a lot of groups. I tried to distance myself away from people who made me uncomfortable in any way (I say this because sometimes, in business/social groups, this is a pain I believed I had to bear...to tolerate people that had very different value systems from mine. But I realized that that just wasn't true.).

I'm still not done yet. There are a lot of things I'm still cutting out of my life... and there are days where I do wish I could just move far away from all my daily sources of stressors, to restart someplace else and try to figure life out in a more peaceful place, at my own pace, before the next crazy thing hits.

And perhaps I will.

But for today, here's an update saying that things are not perfect...nor are they all better, but they just aren't as bad as they used to be. I think I've lost myself somewhere in between, but now, in the small chunks of peace I can find, I'm trying to rebuild.
And for that, I'm thankful.

One day at a time.

To the man who broke my heart

I miss you.
I don't know why.
It has been probably six years now, but today, at a random 3am in the morning, on a random day, I miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could say.
But I'm broken.
And broken things don't work quite well.

My heart swells and hurts at the thought of you.
It feels as if we had spent a lifetime together, and you died suddenly.
And yet we didn't. But you did die - or so you decided to from my life....six years ago.

You once told me that dealing with a woman's heart is like taking care of a glass ball; and one should never drop it - for what is broken, can never be repaired to its original form. I don't know if you would be proud to know...that you were probably right.

You are an enigma in my life -
The one thing that caused me so much pain, and yet, I am willing to give so much grace to forgive, both you and I, for everything that happened.

I miss you.

Or perhaps, it's just my heart that does.

I wish I could retrieve it.
I did everything I could, but evidently nothing has worked.
You were my world and everything revolved around you. You were my safe place, my best friend, the one human I wasn't afraid to be weird with...and somehow trust you wouldn't think I was off the rails when I was experimental with life. After all, you did meet me as a girl who had been cautious all her life before you. You were the one person I could sit with for hours at a time, and wish we had more time to talk, and that our responsibilities in life, nor our physical bodies wouldn't limit us as two souls being awake together.

Why am I still stuck here?
I have done almost everything I could. I chose all the responsible options...as you would probably know I would try.
Why did you walk away when I was so afraid - knowing that my heart had decided to love you, and it would be irretrievable if I ever told you.
And yet you did.
I never told you.
But it seems it went with you anyway.

I don't know how to fix this.
I wish you were here to teach me, because you seemed to know all the answers then....and perhaps, you have the key to this one.

I fear that this persistent pain would tempt me venture to numbing ways.
Or perhaps, just as with most of my life, I would eventually wish I had experimented with that earlier.

Would you help me with this?
Because I don't think I can fix this alone.
I wish you were here.

You only needed to be near me, and I felt safe. All my worries would melt away when you were with me.

I miss you.
https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFs

Attempts at piecing things together.

Ive just gotten back from three weeks away in Japan on business. It was supposed to be a work and holiday thing, but I suppose I'm not very good at mixing the two.

Having been struggling with the business, and my health, we thought it was good time to get out and do something to change the business model. To hopefully open new roads and change the winds a little.

We pretty much travelled through almost half of Japan - starting with Tokyo and ending down south in Kagoshima. The scenery changed so much from the towering heights of skyscrapers and bright lights of Tokyo to the farms of Kagoshima... we saw a lot. And ate a lot. :)

But in my mind, I missed England a lot. It's weird. I don't know why I feel like I have this affinity with London. I just love so much about it. The accent, the chivalry, the fruits, the food, the culture... perhaps I just have not seen the worser parts of it. Perhaps I should ask my friends in England what they dislike most about their culture and maybe I'd have a more temperate disposition toward it.

Has anyone ever wondered about the person you are?
I ask myself a lot of questions about that...and somehow I feel like I don't really know myself. Is it weird to think that I need to discover myself backward in order to move forward?

It's a little noisy in my mind now. I should try to piece things together before I write again.

WTA Finals and thoughts

Today was the first time that I have attended a professional tennis match live. I was technically there on business, but there were many thoughts I had. The game reminded me of the fencing matches I saw at the Southeast Asian Games in Singapore - the same ones I sat in feeling lost and confused about life a year or two ago. I remember sitting in the benches and texting my fencing Coach about what I should do about life...  I'll have to go back to that chat and do a little reading.

Many thoughts tonight.

Letting go of paper memories and dreams

This minimalism project has become so much of a heart issue...and so much earlier than I thought it would.

I spent this past week on books and papers.

It was a grueling task trying to get through all the memories and plans that I had stashed away over these years. After many days of going through hundreds of papers documenting many seasons of my life... decluttering meant that I had to choose what to keep and what to throw away - to decide which parts of my dreams I was willing to give up, and which I still wanted to keep.

I eventually gave up on a half-done psychology paper that I wrote and meant to finish for publishing with a professor in the States...but it has been put away so long, it was just time to let go. I also decided to give away all my textbooks for my Early Childhood course, most of the business notes from university days, and a large file documenting the set up of a club some 10 years ago which has grown into something beyond what I expected.

I suppose, if anything, this process has reinforced the notion that I need to now focus more on the present, and what I want to keep for the future. And to do that, I need to let go of the past.

Easier said than done though.

To be honest, I don't think I'm quite done yet - because I still held on to many "un-finished business". From my project for rural entrepreneurship for India, to a couple of old marketable ideas, to my family tree project, to the most random of books in fashion and embroidery... there still is a whole list of "interests" and "projects" that I chose to keep around. I guess it wasn't so easy to let things go as easily and thoroughly as I really should (as according to the "rules" of Marie Kondo).

It's already the start of the new week now and I'm hoping this process has brought some lasting peace and focus that I so need.

Happy in the moment.

I've been up since 4am, but considering that I must have slept at about midnight, I'm pretty happy that I was able to wake up so early. I pretty much prayed that God would wake me up so that I could get to my bakery today, but I surprised myself by choosing not to go. I chose instead to stay in bed, did some quiet time, listened to some minimalism videos and asked myself what I wanted to do with my life.

I stayed there for a good hour and a half or so. I eventually got up, showered and now am sitting down with a nice cup of tea and simply enjoying my little space in life now as the smells of the cool early morning rain wafts through the house.

For the past few weeks I've been working on my minimalism project. I kinda mashed a couple of minimalism and decluttering concepts together - mainly that of the 4-box method, the Konmari method, as well as the minimalism challenge of trying to get down to (hopefully) 300 things. But I've targeted first the goals of establishing exactly how many things I have and getting it down to 700 first. I'm still a little nervous about the higher 700-item target - considering that I already have slightly over a hundred items of clothing (not including all my accessories and shoes!).

I've started on clearing out my administrative life about a week back and it has been going great so far. I've finally sorted out most of my most important files of finances and insurance that were bothering me and I just have that of clearing through my personal portfolio and some other random papers I've kept since my university days. I need to go through books as well. I'll prolly get that done by the end of this week.

Interestingly, what this journey has done so far has been more uncomfortable than not. I've been challenged to look at areas of myself that I've disliked - including some kind of irrational fear of finishing or completing things... which perhaps is linked to other irrational fears I have... but that's something I think I'll have to dig deeper and figure out over time. It's a little complicated because I will think of weird things like how "complete" is "complete"? Which, perhaps sounds randomly philosophical, but it makes a little more sense when I talk about my embroidery project...or any art form. What's to say that a work is really "complete"? Only the artist knows, right? But how about the perfectionist artist? It's probably rare for them to ever say that any of their pieces are "completed".

This is a lesson about "letting go" isn't it? :)

Okay, enough thoughts for the morning. :) I shall enjoy another half an hour of it simply sitting with some of my other files and planning what tonight's organization project is going to be.

This year's motto: Simplify to Clarify.

It's good to say that I'm happy right now, even if just for this simple, quiet, moment.

To live for myself

It's almost 3 in the morning and let's just say I've come here to once again commit to a reboot.

I've decided that I'm just going to focus on my life and my stuff now. I'm not going to think about everyone else's life, issues, problems, hopes, dreams, and clutter. I'm just going to focus on mine and getting mine in order.

I've restarted my de-cluttering/minimalism project. Except that this time I'm actually going to take stock of everything I own and hopefully get down to a manageable number (whilst I try to tune out all the other rubbish that exists around me).

I have to own my own life, health, relationships and my own success.
I am choosing to run my life the way I feel it should be run - a fulfilling 5-day workweek, a clean and simple room and office, a sustainable and growing financial state, time for family friends and personal hobbies, and a healthy mind and spiritual walk with the Lord. THAT is how my life is going to be run.

I keep getting asked this question about "What is your passion?" "What would you stay up all night doing?" and taking an honest look inside... these are my weird and wonderful answers (because this is who I am).

Ariela would stay up all night
1. Organizing and Cleaning (which I LOVE)
2. Doing up a jigsaw puzzle (solving something?)
3. Playing some game
4. Blogging/Writing (as I'm evidently doing now)
5. Maybe doing some cool craft activity like embroidery or cross stich or knitting... if I had some sort of project.
6. Maybe cleaning out some data (which is much like #1)
7. Reading/researching/writing about something that really interests me.

I also have stayed up all night trying to get through some Korean drama series or movie marathon, but I doubt that's going to be revenue generating in any way.

So here we go.

I am writing this because I'm going to use myself as a social experiment subject about whether de-cluttering will really help improve one's mental, physical, emotional, and financial health. I'm going to take stock of all I own and throw out everything that is not me, or that I do not love (including relationships/friendships). And everything I'm going to focus on for the next few months would be whether I am truly interested in it and whether it brings me joy. If it doesn't, I will drop it (unless it's some sort of responsibility, of course).

But other than that, I'm just going to not give two wits about any one else's opinion on how I should run my life anymore.
I believe that I've been a good girl most of my life (that I don't intend to change), and I've got some pretty solid values I will not waver from... the only difference is that I'm now deciding that I'm not going to run my life the way everyone else would like me to.

I need to respect myself as a human. I'm not a puppet. I'm not someone else's dream/hope box. I am not someone else's crutch. I am not someone else's servant/secretary.

I am a unique individual, made with unique gifts and talents. I am a unique human blessed with dreams and hopes of my own.

I am taking back control of my life.
No other human should be given those reins.
Only God owns me and if He changes tack, I'll go with it.
Beyond that, I simply can't live someone else's expectations or try to help someone else to "straighten out their lives" for them anymore. There are too many people whom I've been trying to make happy... and it feels like I've been living life for so many people, but not really for myself.

Let me take care of mine now... and if God calls me to help you with yours, trust me that I'll come running. But for now, I need to love myself more.

First step, back to decluttering and minimizing my life to the basics of what I really love.

a little fear

Is it possible that one of the basic human fears is that of being left behind?

There's just something about the need of feeling relevant. Of feeling like you're somewhat ahead of the curve, or at least on par with the rest of the world.

Today I wonder if I've been left behind.

Perhaps it's because I've somehow reached a stage of physical maturity where people now quite often ask me if I'm so-and-so's wife, or whether I'm married. It's become so recurrent nowadays that it's somehow something that I actually have to consider how to respond to... or at least I've been somewhat tempted that I should have some sort of plethora of creative responses beyond my normal embarrassed "no"-and-blush routine.

It's weird - this stage of life.

I wonder if this is in any way normal.

I should really invest my time thinking about more useful things.