thoughts.

It's a full day of clearing through all my paperwork from the past month. My office is a huge mess with paperwork from so many departments all over and project after project popping up. I'm starting to realize that I might have some sort of irrational fear of follow through or finishing... perhaps for fear of failure or that all will be to waste at the end. It really takes a lot in me to push things to completion.

Is this normal?

quick update

Each challenge has brought with it change.
Going through a season of constant changes...
This time, it was my hair colour.

I haven't written for a long time... for so many reasons. In short, the main reason has been that life has been tumultuous due to some legal issues my factory's landlady has gotten into with the superior landlord. It's too complicated a case to explain...except that I've had to deal with a tornado of challenges...all sorts of threats, aggressive construction guys, police, lies, and all that jazz. It hasn't been fun (no, not at all), but I've done everything I could to be brave to stand up to such aggressive behaviour. It has taken a lot out of me emotionally and mentally, but has also probably built a small courage and wisdom in me... but honestly, if I had a daughter I would never want her to go through all that drama. It's really too much for a single girl to bear. At one point, it got so much for me that I decided that I needed to do something drastic to myself to arm myself with some courage... so I went and dyed some of my hair purple and red. Pretty lame huh? But it did help a little.

I saw Surgeonman earlier this week about the surgery reschedule, and I'll be seeing Orthoman in a couple of hours as I once again prep to reschedule the jaw surgery. Orthoman just needs to tell me everything is still in good order and nothing has messed up (after all, it's now been 3 months since I was supposed to have my surgery). I really hope the surgery happens this time...and that nothing screws it up - no problems with the anesthetist, no blood problems, no insurance issues...PLEASE - I've been waiting so long. Interestingly, in the in-between of the reschedule, I've had days where my jaw has started acting funny too... perhaps it has been due to the peaked levels of stress in my life. I've somehow had days where I've had a tightness in my jaw...almost like an ache...which I hope will be gone forever once my jaw is set aright. Not to mention how much I hate carrying around all this weight that I purposefully put on for the surgery! It's honestly disgusting, and I can't fit into any of my jeans anymore! :(((

I've decided that once the surgery is over, I'm going to get rid of all this stupid weight, take up my pilates/yoga classes, as well as the modeling classes I've been loooong overdue to attend, get back on my German classes again...and just start to try living life happy again. It's been almost two years I've been carrying around a heavy burden of a broken heart and emotional reclusiveness. Life wasn't meant to be lived like this. I really can't wait for all this to be over.