Day 194: Almost at the end of 2014!

Pain Level: 0.2 - I think I'm bleeding somewhere behind my lower left molar because I got irritated that I couldn't brush it properly (as my teeth are a bit too far back into my jaw - which makes brushing really difficult because it's a really tight spot). Using the interdental brush somehow made something bleed...again. I think it's the plaque that keeps getting stuck there that makes my molar-gums upset and prone to bleeding.

Swelling: Somehow the right side of my face is still tight. Still feels weird.

Sleep last night: Caught a bad bug and ended up with a burning fever. It's gone now. Thank God for water and Vitamin C.
Other weirdness: My right cheek feels weird and I think it's because of this weird clump of something in the inside of my cheek. I don't really know what it is, but when I press my tongue on it, it feels like it has nerves connected to the right corner of my lip or something. Also, I still can't quite chew naturally. My teeth feel like they are crashing together and it freaks me out a bit. Left part of lip and chin are still numb. Sigh.

Mood: A lil sleepy.

The end of the year is almost here and I'm not quite ready for it. When I take a quite glance of a stock take of the year, I feel as if a lot of my plans had stopped in their tracks because of 1) the jaw surgery, 2) the crazy issues at work. And yet, at the same time of feeling unaccomplished, I feel very much otherwise so - because I've learned so much through these experiences. This year I learned about courage, about friendship, faith, and hope. I learned that there is power in networks. I learned that as much as you give of yourself into the lives of others, there is no shame in asking for help when it is required. I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable...but as the saying goes "Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

This was my quote for the year:

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

Before and after.
I'm always somehow back to this cabinet.
It's tough trying to keep things organized
when you live with 7 other people.

Beyond all that, I've been trying to get my house in order again - after it became this huge storeroom dump during a crazy time when we had to move the factory - and that has been quite therapeutic. It almost feels like I'm reclaiming my life back one box/bag at a time. There's still a lot more to go, and it's probably going to take me at least half a year to get through all of it, but it's a joy knowing that it will all be settled in time.



I'm going to spend some time later tonight thinking about how to close off this year and set goals for the next... there are so many things I want to get done. 2015 will be a better year. After a horrible end to 2012, an emotionally draining 2013, and a harsher 2014, 2015 has to be a better year. It has to be. God, let it be, please. I will do everything in my capacity to make sure it will be.

On other happier notes, Mummy bunny gave birth on the 16th of December, and I lost most of the litter (probably because of the conditions they were born in, or maybe Marshmallow (my 3 month old) got to them :(). I was distraught, but as I decided to clean up, I discovered that one little warrior bunny survived because he had somehow rolled out of the cage! And true to his character, he was named Warrior. Well, at only 14 days old, he's more like a little Warrior. :) He (yes, I assume he's a boy) has been my daily dose of happiness watching him grow. It's amazing how they grow so quickly! Just slightly over a week ago, he was this pink little hairless body...and probably only half his size that he's grown to now. :)

Warrior at 11 days. <3

At 13 days. :)
He grows so fast!

Marshmallow and her treats from the pet store that was giving out goodie bags. :)

It's going to be tough to let them go soon though... because it turns out that my sister-in-law who lives with us is allergic to animal fur. :( I've got to find a safe, loving family for my little family of bunnies...I don't even know where I'm going to find someone with such a big heart to adopt all four of them. Miss them already. :,( Well, going to treasure them as long as I can have them with me. #totallyenjoyinglovingandspoilingmypets <3

Day 184: 6 months!

Pain Level: 0 - No pain, just still numb in my lower left lip and chin. 

Swelling: I'd like to think I'm still a bit swollen, but it may be just fats.

Sleep last night: I haven't been sleeping too well... bad working and life habits I think.
Other weirdness: When I wash my teeth with mouthwash and leave it in for a few seconds, my jaws feel like dentures floating in a glass. It's REALLY weird. Oh, and chewing is still weird. I somehow feel like my teeth are a bit spastic and I'm not sure where to fit them when crushing things in my mouth.

Mood: Tired

It's really early in the morning and I'm still awake. I had a really rough week as I'm trying to get life back on track. Tis' one of those days where I wonder what I am doing with my life and what needs to be done. 

It's weird, really, that even after 6 months post-surgery, when people tell me "you look really different", I don't know how to react. There's a certain sense of fear or apprehension in receiving such comments - even if they were meant to be complimentary. Even in telling the story, I always make sure to emphasize that I didn't quite have a choice - given it was told to me that I had only two options 1) either to do the surgery now, or 2) wait ten years when I would probably have worn out jaw hinges, arthritis and slower bone growth. The inability to react well is weird though. Perhaps it's an insecurity of some sort.

Yesterday, I stumbled across a Postsecret and it scared the heck out of me for a bit. 

This was it:

I know this particular PostSecret was probably made for a person who had some sort of plastic surgery, but I couldn't help but wonder if some of the people whom I speak to might think the same of me (and not say it).

But hey, there are bigger issues in life to think about aren't there?

I've finally gotten back in touch with my fencing coach, took my gear out and gotten it washed. I'm back to fencing next week! Hopefully, no one will hit my face (please don't!). I'm going to get back to running again, and Pilates. I got to get back some discipline and tenacity in my life.

Fencing next week! I can't wait!

God gives and takes away.

Taken just this afternoon...

I took in two 8-week old bunnies and two adult rabbits about a week ago, and tonight I just lost one of the little ones. She was sick by the time I got her. I knew something was wrong because she wasn't walking and she seemed to have breathing difficulties. I brought her to the vet two days ago and she was diagnosed with a cold, bone growth problems, and some infection on her ears.

For the past two days, I had been mothering this baby...and tonight, I lost her.

Her body was cold and limp when I got home, She was really weak. She start gasping, squealing, a seizure...then she was gone. I tried giving her some nutrition, I tried a hot water bottle, I tried to call an emergency animal clinic... but I knew she couldn't make it. And there was nothing medical or skillful that I could do.

I was so distraught I held her lifeless body and insisted there was still life in it as she was still warm. I put her limp body in my lap and sped halfway across Singapore to the 24-hour emergency animal hospital praying praying praying that God would revive her. But she had no more heartbeat. I just stood at the counter of the hospital and cried. Right now, I don't even have the heart to bury her.

I remember a time when I saw a litter of abandoned newborn kittens left in a box out in the scorching sun. When I spotted them, I panicked as I looked through the litter of six - hunting for some life left in them. I saw movements in three of them, so I shooed the flies away, picked up their little bodies reeking of excrement and brought them into my office. I remember praying so hard as I held them and took a warm damp cloth and cleaned each one of them. I remember out of the three I cleaned, only two showed signs of life and breathing so I eventually cleaned them up, prayed over them, and put them in a box with me in my office. They didn't survive till the end of the day.... I don't think their bodies could take the cow's milk that was all I had on hand... but it hurt to see how cruel people could be.

Then there was a time when I heard that some crazy neighbour was abusing some kittens and my brother heard it and went to save it. By the time he got to the kitten, it was completely wet (the crazy neighbour was trying to drown it) and unconscious. I remember seeing it in a box my brother found as I called the SPCA and watched the kitten as my heart pounded with every second that passed as we waited for the SPCA to arrive. I still remember how they just looked in the box and said "it's dead" and turned to leave. I also remember how I told them "LOOK CAREFULLY! See! It's moving!" as the little kitten twitched slightly. I was worried sick as they took the box and the kitten from me. I didn't know if I could trust them with that little life, though I had just met it, with as much care as I wish I could have offered.

I remember the bird with the broken wing, the baby bat hurt in the middle of a footpath, the turtle that was abused... animals have been a big part of my life.

When I was 16, all I wanted to do was become a vet. I remember the passion that I had and the deep desire to have the skills and ability to heal animals. There was nothing more i wanted... but Singapore simply didn't have that course back then. I even went to Australia and met the Dean of Murdoch university to explore the possibility of studying veterinary medicine...but eventually gave it up because I knew it was too expensive for my parents - and that I had two younger siblings whom had yet to go to university.

My heart hurts today. It hurts because I once again feel helpless that I couldn't save that little life. I really wish I could have watched her grow and overcome her illness.

But I guess God gives and takes away.