Day 98: Photoshoot Fears

I had a photoshoot today for a women's group that I'm involved in, and it was absolutely terrifying.

One of the photos we took.
I was glad to hide my face with the hat.

I never realized how shocked and scared I was about photo taking... not to mention how uncomfortable I felt. I was so self-conscious and worried about the way I was smiling - or not. I was worried about whether my face looked okay, whether I was looking like an alien, whether my swelling was making my face look fat, and whether my shortened face made me look like an imp. I totally didn't like so many shots... it was absolutely terrifying. Worse that I can't always tell how widely I'm smiling. At one point, I thought I was smiling, and one of the girls watching the shoot told me to smile... =_= Cooperate with me facial muscles!

For most of the day, I felt as if all my confidence was lost with my previous face which I was more comfortable with. I used to know what worked for my face, which angles to use, what styles worked for me... Now, more often than not, I find myself feeling that I look terrible in all photos of me.

It's weird.... but I kinda feel estranged from myself.
It's as if I don't really know myself anymore.

What I'm thankful for are friends who constantly remind me that it's not what I look like, but who I am... and those who also reassure me that the surgery was for the better. But yeah, I guess I am the greatest critic of myself.

I'm already 3 months post op and I'm surprised that I can't seem to get over this phase. Hope that things will be better soon.

On other notes:
I watched an episode of Running Man today and whilst I watched them be "punished" by one of the scariest roller coasters in the world in Taiwan, I realized that I probably won't be able to get on rollercoasters for a while! :( It looked SO awesome though!

Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMC07r8Pc8M
Fast forward to 5:47 - it's called The Screaming Condor. It's like an extreme viking ride.