identity debate

Can't believe I've been watching this... but I've been learning a lot.

Having not been able to sleep, I somehow ended up watching the whole first season of the Jersey Shore.  It was interesting just watching how differently this group of men and women behaved and thought. It was just interesting seeing how they processed situations and responded to them.

There was so much partying, drinking, hooking up in the show... it was a totally new exposure to a new culture for me. Lifestyles I've never seen, thought processes I've never understood...it's weird watching a group of adults from such different backgrounds, values and lifestyles. I guess I'm learning a new point of view.

None of these people are me.
I think the last time I actually
clubbed was something tame
and "legit"...I think it was a
wedding entourage party. ;)

Sometime a year ago, part of me really wanted to just rebel and "live it up". Perhaps it was even as far as two years ago that I already had the rebellious itch. I wanted to go out clubbing, go traveling, dance...and just let go. Even though I technically never did act on it. Maybe the itch was due to having been sheltered and being the "good girl" all my life. "Safe", that was who I was...and still am. Take the safe route, no risks, no regrets...But at the same time, I guess I can't help but wonder whether I missed out on life...or "life".  It's as if something in me believes that all these trashy experiences were to teach you lessons, and so many peers of mine seem to have got it by my age...and I'm still catching up. Perhaps it's a wrong understanding of life that I have.

Do I want to be like one of these girls in Jersey Shore?  No. Do I want to meet guys like that? No. Do I really want to be in such situations? Probably not. But at the same time... I don't know if it makes any sense, but it feels as if that I can choose to be anyone I want to be after my surgery on Friday and I guess I'm trying to decide right now. But right now, I'm 30, single, pretty much independent, and am about to have one of the biggest scariest surgeries in my life in a few days... I guess there's just a lot running through my mind right now.

I thought this "self-identity" debate was supposed to happen after the op whilst adjusting. :/
Thinking too much, much?