Monday, May 23, 2016

My insomantic brain dump.

It's almost two in the morning and here I am. I'm doing this mainly because I can't sleep, but also because when I googled "I can't sleep" the main results showed that if one can't fall asleep within 20mins, one should get up and do something instead of lying in bed and tackling an increasing level of anxiety. I was there for a freaking 2 and a half hours! 

I should have googled earlier.

Writing is also probably a wiser choice than sneakily watching my security cams of my office or mindlessly flipping through my constantly updating newsfeed on Facebook and catching glimpses of random news like who was the most stunning dresser at the Cannes and reminiscing the gorgeous dress Kandall Jenner wore to the Met. Then again I also learn cool things like the emergence of AquaFaba. :D

But yes, writing it is.

What a past week it had been... Tbh, it wasn't an easy week. I spent most of it wondering what in the world I was doing, and the rest of it trying to piece together everything that I believe I needed to do. Then there was Friday night. A night of me heading out with my staff which ended us up in some shots bar to which I ended up downing SEVEN shots. Now this may not seem like a big deal, until you find out that I've only ever had one shot of tequila which I sipped at during a university event. Seven was my all time record.

I guess I was pushing myself a little - wondering how far my body could go. By the fourth shot I knew my body was getting a little woozy, but I knew I could process it, so I went for three more. Truth be told, at the end of it, I was pretty sure I could have downed three more. After all, I was still walking straight and talking serious. But by something like 5 or 6am my body started to burn up with a really high fever that lasted through the night. I'm pretty sure I charred some brain cells there. I googled it in the morning and it turns out I might have had alcohol poisoning.

Alcohol and I never went well together.
Part of me wishes I did throw up everything.

And now, early Monday morning, I'm still grappling with a dumb fever which honestly feels like the flu. Not fun.

On the topic of burning braincells though, I'm starting to wonder if I had enough bouts of super high fevers that I really might have burned a load up. I've been known to forget names of people, and today, when I went out with a bunch of close friends, I really forgot one of their names. I just stood up dumbfounded because I couldn't recollect the name. :( I wonder if this is because I have a lazy brain or whether there's some sort of brain ozone hole that I've burned and it's cause some leak... But it's honestly pretty scary to think of.

And here I am, on my couch with a glass of water, blogging from my mobile. Pathetic much? Isn't the anxiety supposed to be going down, Mr Google?

I've had a lot of questions this past week about being a woman, about self worth, and about whether being a demure and resolute woman is really all the dramatic lace and royal icing it's "supposed" to be (I really couldn't use the visuals of fireworks and confetti cause that felt more frivolous, but I hope you get what I mean). 

It's a pretty long debate to begin with... In short, I have a friend who's pretty frivolous in her dealings with men and she seems to be getting all sorts of attention, whilst I'm noticing that the women who have chosen to be more demure and virtuous have seemed to be facing more issues of loneliness and basically struggling with the possibility of being what the Chinese call 剩女 (translated "leftover women", implying the state of being left on a shelf).

I had many questions in this debate in my head, including but not limited to:
1. Are such girls really so attractive to men
2. Are men really that silly to want to chase after such girls
3. Assuming that these men had a hint of their reputations, why do they still try? Are they overly optimistic that they will be the "only one" chosen?
4. What are the values of society now?
5. Why am I born in this era?

Amongst other random questions.

I surprisingly was bothered enough today to pose this to my parents. Don't ask me why, but I was totally emotional. I shall blame it on PMS . But yes, I did. 

I shared it with my father and he tried to talk to me some standard "dad talk" stuff like "you're very beautiful", "don't think like that",  "they are just in it for the short fling", "you wouldn't want men like that anyway"... And random stuff like that.

But the data that I see just doesn't show me the evidence that virtue is something that men care for so much anymore. In fact, I'm starting to think that most men that think that way were all from a different era and have died, and the current crop believe all women who do believe in such values have as well. 


Because this argument becomes their excuse for misbehavior too (and perhaps of both males and females. You know, the typical playground "if XX person has done it, why can't I" argument). "Misbehavior",  of course, defined by what society deems my "prudish mind of centuries past". Am I stepping on too many toes here? Sorry. (Please stop reading if you are offended. We just think differently and that's okay. You can leave. I won't be offended.)

I'm sorry friends/sisters who have held your grace and manners well, until I solve this puzzle in my head it looks like a pretty bleak road.

And this is where we all turn to God because the road is dark and bleak. Now we know why so many women are in church. :D 

Okay, I'm kidding. I'm sure there are a few good men out there. Somewhere. Maybe distant. Hiding. 

Maybe we should put cookies on our front porches. Who can resist cookies? Right?

And if all else fails, pray.
Because "With men it is impossible, but with God all things are possible". *snigger* okay, no more biblical jokes. I'm Christian too and I honestly love God so it's not meant to be offensive. Relax. This is just my insomantic brain dump. Relax.

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