As I lie in bed contemplating the "how to run a company like that" comment my father made in passing this morning (thinking that I was asleep), I think today's the day I should quit my job... Or at least that time is coming soon.
I don't think this is an emotional nor reactive decision. Yes, even though it was pretty hurtful to hear after I've been sick so often but still working, but last night's insomnia coupled with the running nose, fever, and headache kept me in bed. There was no mercy. But I guess that's normal with my father unless you're diagnosed with some terminal illness or something.
As I look back, I cannot help but realize how sad I have been. I've been struggling with depression and lack of sleep for the longest time. I've barely been able to cope with the stress. My health has been bad, my hair has been falling out, my mind has been really weighted. I've also constantly been running away from things.
I suppose this is the failings of an idealist... Not really knowing where you're going. The is a saying that goes "don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
But what makes me come alive?
There are these endless questions about finding one's life purpose. For example, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" Or "what would you do if money were not an issue?"
And today, as I lay sick on my bed (not "on my sickbed" which sounds mildly morbid), I'm pondering these questions.
What would I do?
Would I stay in Singapore? Maybe.
Would I travel. Most definitely.
Would I go back to school? Maybe.
Would I want to write research papers? Umm... Maybe. Though I'm really half and half.
Okay, I need to take another tack.
What in the world makes me come alive??
Animals. Most definitely. But for a career... I'm not so sure anymore.
Fashion. Maybe, but I think the superficiality of some facets of the scene might kill me.
Performing arts? I did love drama at once, but it has been a long time since I did any acting. Also, I'm really out of shape.
What makes me come alive????
This is hard!
Okay, what would I do if money were not an issue? Although this is a totally frivolous and seemingly irresponsible question (and perhaps impractical to the point of imaginative scales), I suppose it demands its merits. What would I do? What would I do if I I had a ton of money....
I would settle all my dad's future medical bills for one.
I'd make sure all my family members were properly covered by insurance and were all well trained financially.
I'd hire a HR consultant to come in and restructure my entire company, as well as call in branding consultants to rebrand all three of our brands and develop two others I've been toying with.
I'd put aside money to buy our own factory to be tip top and equip all my department heads with a nice fat budget they can work with.
I'd buy a new house for my family.
I'd get my own place.
Then I'd go backpacking.
I'd get a good pair of walking shoes and I'd take a train from Singapore into Malaysia. I'll travel all the way up to Russia and stay there for a while. I'd explore the city, then head into Germany and travel and stay there for a while. After Germany, maybe I'd head to Paris, Madrid, then up to London, Scotland and Ireland. I'd definitely want to complete my crazy Southern Ridges walk.
Then over to Iceland just to see the Northern lights, over to Canada, down to Seattle, Cali, then across to Chicago. I'd prolly get a small place in Chicago, that'd be nice. I liked that city... Or at least parts of it. There were parts that were scary too. We'll avoid those parts.
Then I'd prolly head down to Brazil, meet some friends there, work in a cafe there for a while, and cook lots of delicious foods, then head backward across to New Zealand, stay and travel Australia for a while... Then, depending whether I preferred Australia or NZ, would get a nice little place there. Perhaps a farm or an orchard, or both.
And perhaps if I find love any step of the journey, I'd screw all travel plans and settle down and enjoy the joy of "mundane" day-to-day life. Ah, the good ole thoughts of 30 (plus minus)-year olds
Yes, I'd travel. After all, money is not supposed to be a concern right? The question is, "to what end or for what reason would I be traveling for?" Surely not for some frivolous reason like "experience"?
And that would also unfortunately be just a spending spree. Not to mention that I'd actually want to include the Maldives, Madagascar and Sri Lanka on that list... And a spending spree just wouldn't be practical.
What would I love doing for work?
According to some paper I read on my MBTI profile, these are the "career suggestions":
2. Counselors / Social Workers
3. Teachers / Professors
7. Clergy / Religious Workers
Hmm. Now I already know I can scrap the ideas of 2,4&5 because I really don't think I can deal with the crazies of humans. I've been warned by my psychology professor not to consider it as I apparently "take things too hard". And I've also found humans to be extremely complicated and stressful to deal with. 6 is out because instruments have never really been my thing... Other than playing the Jazz set when I was younger, but that was about it. And 7, I've tried and apparently I'm not specifically called to that... So that leaves us with writing and teaching.
Sigh. I think maybe I just need a sabbatical from work or something. Perhaps for a year or so and just figure out what I'm made to do.