Monday, January 11, 2016

7am wandering wonderings

So I've made it to 7am without a wink of sleep... I'm now convinced it's jet lag.

I've put some leftover Vietnamese summer rolls from the refrigerator into the toaster oven and covered them with a slice of cheese... some sort of a treat to celebrate the new week I suppose. So whilst they're baking, here I am wondering. My wandering thoughts have been bothering me for the past few hours even though I've been trying to distract myself with more Big Bang Theory, random YouTube videos, and sporadic attempts of trying to declutter my iPhone.

The thoughts bother me though - the latest one being that maybe what I need is to learn to say "F*ck you" to some things that bother me. It's a crude word, and honestly I always felt that people who cussed were just expressing in such a generic sense for lack of vocabulary, or effort in expressing themselves more clearly. But I suppose today, my mind thought that such an expression was the most succinct way of summarizing both how I feel, and how I should respond. Urban vocabulary - interesting isn't it?

So yes, back to my mind encouraging me to tell these things to f*ck off.

I suppose the root comes from some anger that I have buried inside of me. Perhaps a culmination of remnants of emotions from many experiences in life for which I have felt unjust... and never expressed for fear they would cause social rejection... or perhaps kept inside for such language and thoughts were simply unbecoming for a lady; very ungracious and with much lack of virtue.

And yet at this juncture I am tempted to begin what could be an hour-long tirade of how much pain there is in the things I remember... to share the injustice in the experiences I've encountered.... for the people whom have hurt me... for the things that have been stolen from me - from an emotionally stable childhood at some point, to my faith in my parents, to my first kiss. My idealistic world has set standards probably unachievable by this world and has obviously caused much dissatisfaction in me...

But all my mind compels me to say right now is "F*ck you".
Although the proper, wiser, lady in me believes in the power of saying "Thank you" instead.

There has never been much fruit that arose from much anger...that's why I never entertain it for long. And I truly believe in the power of being grateful and loving instead.
And yet today, I just feel like flipping one at the universe.

I have never thought this way.
What is wrong with me? :(

At the end of my recent trip...whilst I was having a quick meal in HongKong, I noticed something about myself.
This was the way I started and ended my meal with happiness.

I did not adjust them for the shot. It's just the way I ended happily.

It's not that big and deal...and it's not something new to me. I've always known that disorganization and clutter bothered me and how much peace and calm I find in simplicity and clean lines. But I just haven't been able to do anything about it... Living in a house with seven other people (and a mother of a hoarder) makes it pretty much impossible.

My sister has been encouraging me to see a therapist for a while because she has seen the brunt of how depressed and upset I can get when I have a super low day... thing is:

  1. I've tried to see a therapist once before when I was much younger, but ended that session feeling like the therapist was wasting my time and money by just sitting and nodding and asking questions. My friends and family can do that too - for free.
  2. My mind runs really quickly and before I respond to a therapist, I already know the possibilities of responses that they will have... and it kinda erodes my respect for them when I'm right. 
  3. I've also been trained as a facilitator and counselor... so i know how non-committal it "should" be so that the client will take their own decisions and risks and that one would not be liable for any "advice" given during a session - for all answers would be from the client themselves. This knowledge has given me a great distrust for psychologists - for they are just people interacting with you with as little risk on themselves as possible.
  4. I also don't want to "officially" tarnish my personal medical record with something I don't want in my historical medical records like OCD or some other anxiety disorder of some sort.

Maybe I just need exercise.
Or maybe I just need to remember when I was happiest - the moments of great happiness and purpose in my life.
Perhaps I should really consider this year-by-year of life documentation project seriously..maybe it will give me some answers.

But for today, I just need to get through today.
I don't have much energy now for the lack of sleep... but I have to get through today.
I have to walk into my office with a smile. I have to meet decisions with frowns, and questioning questions, and force my brain to think critically and scold staff whom have been underperforming... and encourage those who are down. I have to start my day with my to-do list and end the day with as much organization and productivity and joy as I can muster. Fake it till you make it right?

I have to.
I need to.

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