And the answer I'm looking for isn't "Singapore".
Two weeks ago, just two days before Christmas, I got up and left Singapore to come to this side of the world to spend time with my cousins and to see Finland whilst helping set up a proposal... But the overarching reason of my leaving was really because I felt like I had lost myself somewhere and I felt like I was on the brink of a totally epic emotional collapse. Thing is, I don't know if these two weeks helped any.
Don't get me wrong. I've had amazing experiences in a short two weeks. Coming back to London itself was momentous for me. It had been 8 years since I last saw some of my English friends and it was such a pleasure to see them again. And Finland - with learning to ski, hot saunas and ice-hole swimming in minus 17 degree weather - are memories that I will save for a long time to come.
So I went through the check list of goals I had for this trip. Getaway, check. Visit Finland, check. Help with cousin's proposal, check. Meet up with friends from a long time ago and catch up, check. Visit markets, check. But that one big thing on the list - on finding out what I want to do - remains a box still tugging at both my heart and mind.
In hopes of finding an answer, I brought up the quest and question with almost every single friend on this trip. The quest being that I had flown thousands of miles away from home to find some peace and direction in life, and the question being what peace would look like to me in my life and where I would be able to find it.
Interestingly, these past two weeks have been ironic as I struggled with these existential questions whilst trying to put out fires back in Singapore at work over hundreds of text messages... As well as worrying the hell out about my seemingly suicidal ex-boyfriend (whom is suicidal not from my doing, but from circumstantial pressures and a generally bleak and melancholic perspective on life.... And his choice of a bi-polar ex-girlfriend after me. Just putting it out there that his depression is not my doing... Just in case you were wondering. I have my views on depression in general, and I would digress on how not knowing God really makes those life experiences far worse than they need to be... But this post isn't about that, or about him.).
But yes, isn't it ironic that the helpless is trying to help others? Haven't I listened to enough safety briefs to understand the concept of helping oneself first before attempting to help another? Apparently not.
So here I am, threatening the ruin of my 20/20 (or is it 6/6) perfect vision as I type in the dark on a plane en route to my stopover in Hong Kong. All this whilst hugging my down winter jacket for some comfort. Yes, humans sometimes subconsciously try to find empathy in inanimate objects. And honestly, whoever invented down-jackets - like deliciously wearable duvets - is definitely one of my favourite people.
I spend a lot of time trying to be a lot of things for others. Happy, joyful, courageous, strong, wise, decisive... But the truth is, that when I'm alone, I'm often not what I strive so hard to be. The truth is, I'm sad. I'm sad because I don't know where I'm at and what I'm doing with my life and whether it's going anywhere. I'm sad because I'm still hurting from my stupid breakup 3 years ago because my silly heart still chooses to love this man who hurt me so deeply. I'm sad because I feel so far away from the person that I want to be physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The truth is I'm not strong nor courageous at all. In fact, if anything, I'd think I'm a bigger coward than people know. I often run from problems and when I don't know what to do, and perhaps - if I were to be so honest - somewhere in my mind I sometimes blame others for the person I am now. (Lame, isn't it? I really dislike it when I find myself responding to life with such irresponsibility.) The truth is, I'm afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. The truth is I'm far from qualified to possess true wisdom... There are simple social protocols that I have yet to understand... And so much that I really don't.
Call it "imposter syndrome" if you will, but honestly, I am not who you or others think I am. If anything, I'm this sad, lost girl wearily trying to figure out her way in life.
Have you ever had a feeling like part of you inside wished that you could just scream out loud at the top of your lungs and bawl your eyes out at the world for a very long time? I often do.
But I don't.
I don't because I don't know what use that would be. Nor do I know what I would do after that.
I suppose reflecting on these two weeks, I was most thankful for the questions I encountered during my random introspective moments with myself.... Questions like:
Would I want to live in a house like that?
Do I even have a dream house?
How in the world do certain types of girls find life partners so easily?
How are these entrepreneurs so passionate?
How can I emulate such discipline and passion?
What am I going to go with my personal life that seems to be going no where?
What would I be happy with?
What are the things that are truly important to me as well as to the world?
And at this moment, as I struggle to type in the dark, currently more about...
Why is it bothering me so much that these people next to me are coughing without covering their mouths... And that they look so unkempt?
Why do I feel like punching this guy who's bothering me so much? I have rarely considered punching anyone, or anything, in my life...ever.
Stuff like that.
It feels really unkind, but I guess questions that randomly present themselves to a person don't necessarily go through a "kindness filter". I suppose questions that come to us come from a feeling of imbalance when the world presents itself differently to ones ideals - including that of morals and values. And for that, they are very telling. For one, this current struggle with myself not to punch the person snoring away next to me as he's sleeping - I was upset because I value harmony and being considerate to others, and him keeping me awake throughout the night wasn't any of that. But the punching would have undone my own values.
As I spend a good 6 hour layover in Hong Kong, hopefully I'll find some answers before I get to Singapore. Otherwise I'll have to make a point to get out again without any tech on me sometime in the next few weeks to figure this all out.
No punching in the meantime. I promise.
No punching in the meantime. I promise.